


Redemption

by Ermmmmmm



Series: Redemption [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:11:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 71,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ermmmmmm/pseuds/Ermmmmmm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert serves time behind bars to face up to the consequences of his actions. When he gets out, he loses all sense of identity and starts his life again. Can he ever find the strength to return to the village to put right his wrongs and return to the fold?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter was originally almost 5,000 words long, so I've had to make the story longer than I was intending. I've effectively come out of fan fiction retirement, so sorry if I'm a bit rusty! Enjoy!

Clunk.

Two and a half years to the day, he had been wondering how that would sound. So seemingly trivial, yet, in reality, so symbolic of his freedom. Leant against his cell wall, he had gone through every sound in his mental catalogue; sometimes he dreamt of it sounding like a soft, innocent _clink_ , ringing out his freedom and ridding him of his demons. Other times, he wondered if it would sound more foreboding, warning him against even thinking about doing what he did to get in there in the first place.

In the end, it was an anticlimax; the closing of the prison door to the outside world was an uninspiring and unthreatening thud. The guard on duty gave him a polite but firm nod as he clutched the few possessions he had handed in under his somewhat frail arms – certainly frailer than when he had entered, so much was his shame that he couldn't even bring himself to attend tea more than three times a week. Even then, he had tried to locate the most inconspicuous tables, although that certainly hadn't stopped him from inadvertently being shat on by trouble regardless. Or was it karma? That had certainly been a discussion he had with himself more than once at two in the morning.

The weather was also pretty unremarkable as he crossed the threshold between detainment and cautious trust into the outside world. His sentencing had been in December two and a half years prior, so now it was May; however, in typical British fashion, clouds hung dully in the air, suffocating the breeze and bringing a somewhat muggy feeling to the atmosphere. Still, the air was infinitely fresher out here than in there, so he took a deep breath and savoured it.

He had not, unfortunately, had the foresight to think about the change in weather from when he went in to when he came back out. December that year had been one of the chilliest for as long as many could remember, so he had take extra precautions with socks and jumpers to keep warm. In contrast, the muggy air strangled him by his cashmere jumper, so he took it off, revealing his unusually plain white buttoned shirt underneath. He thought that it would have been cathartic to do up those buttons once more after years of simple prison jumpers, but it hadn't. It felt fake. It felt foreign. It felt evil.

He had hoped that someone would be waiting for him upon his thankfully early release, but he knew those chances were slim. Diane had visited every Christmas, but he could tell that that had been a job for her. The depth of his betrayal of her trust and love, especially for someone who wasn't a blood relative, had proved to her that she had ran out of reasons why someone so toxic could pollute her life any further. It was the same with Vic, and they _were_ blood. She had come a couple of times when she had had important news to impart about scrapyards or letters, but she had struggled to look him in the eyes the entire time, and never lasted more than ten minutes a go. And no one else loved him enough to even consider his existence in that hole, let alone come visit him or collect him. He’d burnt those two bridges long ago.

So it was to no surprise whatsoever that he had not been greeted by anyone upon his release. As much as he was sad that no one was there to welcome him back into the fold he had so desperately avoided and craved in equal measure, he was strangely grateful as well. His embarrassment almost made him fearful of being released; at least when he was inside, the rest of the inmates had equally as shameful stories behind them. But he was different. He knew he wasn't a bad person at heart. Or at least, he had tried to convince himself that that was what he was. His psychiatrist had agreed, even though he was incredibly selective over what he had told him, such was his deep shame about his feelings and past actions.

He checked his watch for the time: five past twelve. He could do anything he wanted. He could go anywhere. This was the start of his new life, reformed, rehabilitated. Someone had pressed reset on the PlayStation, and he was starting on Level 1 again. He could do any work he wanted to work towards, he could forge new paths, unaffected by the baggage of his past insecurities. He could be a whole new person, unrecognisable to the state that he had left his life two and a half years prior. He knew where he couldn't go, though. He knew what he couldn't be. He could never go back to the village again. He could never be that dangerously ambitious young man again, leaving a blazing hot trail of destruction and sadness behind him. It wasn't even a case of deserving that second chance (he knew he didn't); it was more a case of them deserving the chance to live without him.

Taking a deep breath, he walked out of the prison gates and down the road in search of a telephone box. His phone had run out of credit and had no way of topping up, so he had scooped around in his wallet for a few twenty pence pieces and gone in search for a red phone box. Eventually, he found one in a leafy Nottingham suburb (where his prison had been), put the money in the slot carefully and dialled a number scribbled on the back of an old business card. He waited as the phone dialled. The receiver picked up. He waited for a moment, before saying, “Taxi, please”.

* * *

 

 

The cheap hotel room near to the train station was inoffensively sterile. It had a canvas of a vase of lilac tulips on the wall, and the bed linen was a rather standard shade of magnolia. But despite all of this lack of imagination, it was the single most comforting sight that he ever could have experienced. It had been two and a half long years of grey brick walls and bunk beds with gym mats for mattresses. Setting down his few clothes and belongings, he carefully sat down on the bed, as if the bedsheets were burning hot. When he finally had sat down on it with comfort, he breathed a heavy sigh. Tears started to form in the corner of his eyes as he brushed the linen lightly with the palm of his hand. He had completely forgotten what comfort and security had felt like. To not have to look over his shoulder in case he had a death warrant against him. To not have to curl up every night into a tiny ball to fit his tall body onto the short mattress. This was more than sufficient – it was perfection.

Careful not to screw up his bedsheets, he scooted up to the headboard and pointed the remote at the small flatscreen television on the desk opposite. It was quarter to four in the afternoon, so there was nothing particularly special on at this time of day. That didn't stop him from grinning with excitement as he flicked from The Weakest Link to Countdown to a repeat of Coronation Street. It was these little freedoms for which he had found such delirious joy and appreciation. He didn't need fast cars, nor large mansion houses or expensive suits. He certainly didn't need a wife just for show. His perspectives had well and truly realigned. Now he was just grateful to be safe and normal again.

Later that evening, he popped down to Tesco upon discovering a microwave and some cutlery in his room. He could have gone to some fancy gastropub or a swish cocktail bar to celebrate his freedom. He could have met some girls or guys to spend the night with and to make a proper night of it. Instead, he was sat in his pants on his bed watching reruns of The Bill eating an Indian banquet meal for one. Indeed, that was after he’d tried the power shower twice, used the Internet on his now topped up phone for the first time in years, and watched the world go by from his hotel room looking over the city, still bathed in muggy air and obstinate clouds. This was well and truly the life.

Never had the three word phrase ‘pierce film lid’ ever so sounded so enticing and warm. The linen massaged his bare legs, the hot madras warming his heart more than his throat. He was aware of his sensations in a way that he had never experienced before having them taken away from him. Every smell was a memory to savour, every touch was like a thousand Christmases coming at once. Never had he been so in love with the outside world before – he could only think of one thing he had loved more than what he was experiencing right now. This wasn't even a close second.

He had tentatively come to peace with the fact that he had lost the man he had loved most dearly. Besides, Aaron had made it perfectly clear in the lodge that he had never loved him back, so he had to come to terms with it sooner or later regardless of being banged up. That never stopped him from feeling broken beyond repair. Nothing that his ex-wife could ever have fixed. Whilst he had certainly had some romantic feelings for her, they were eclipsed as soon as he had faked a breakdown in order to get him called out. From then on, it was a slippery slope. No matter how many times he told himself this would be the last time, it was never enough. He would tell himself that if he let himself be with Aaron just one more night, he would have had his fix and could go back to Chrissie. But waking up next to Aaron just meant another day of falling in love with him, and thus the cycle started again.

He remembered turning around after he had been sentenced by the judge, looking into Aaron’s glassy expression, clouded by emotions that only Aaron could decipher. He didn't even know Aaron was there; they hadn't spoken to each other in over a month, so he must have found out from Diane about the dates and locations. He remembered the final eye contact that they shared as he was sent down by the guards next to him, burning with shame as Aaron looked down to him. He was sure that emotion was struggling to crack through his cool gaze, and had spent the next two and a half years deconstructing that moment to convince himself that that was true, but he couldn't be sure. Even though that was the last time he had seen him in person, he had haunted his dreams ever since – from the comforting to the mildly erotic, from the upsetting to the downright horrifying. He hoped to God that Aaron was alright.

By eleven that night, he had done what he had promised himself in prison that he wouldn't – look through the past photos on his phone with Aaron. Having access to all these memories reopened the wounds one by one, his heart in his mouth as he scrolled from one photo to the next. He had forgotten how many he had taken, from the sweet selfies in parks (Aaron looking very reluctant to appear in any of them) to the bizarre drunken ones with blurry lights and Aaron looking uncharacteristically excited to be photographed, beer bottle in hand, and forgetting his insecurities and his image for one evening. There was even a video of Aaron dancing to really embarrassing nineties children’s disco hits which brought a tear to his eye – he remembered Aaron threatening to disembowel his Audi if that particular video was ever leaked.

But this was the past. And that wasn't a relationship. None of that was Aaron’s fault, of course. If he had committed, if he had been true to himself, if he had just told his wife that he had fallen in love elsewhere… If. If. If. His life was punctured with ifs. If he hadn't had left for years. If he hadn't done all of the cruel and twisted things he did to keep his veneer intact. If he had been truthful with Aaron. If he had been openly in love with him, if he had treated him with love and respect. None of that happened though. And that was up to him.

Finally summoning the courage to tear himself away from the screen, he turned his phone off and laid in darkness in the double bed. I have to look forward now, not back, he thought, trying to quell any false hope that the smiles and laughs that those pictures and videos had given him. Turning over in his bed, he resolved with determination to start the job search tomorrow. To make good on his promise never to let himself down again. To make himself proud to be him. To be someone worthy of being loved.


	2. Tentative Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert leaves Nottingham to start his new life - but is he as comfortable as it seems?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically the second half of the first chapter, although the focus moves as Robert picks himself up. Hopefully you'll enjoy it! Thanks for reading :)

Considering his damning criminal record, it had taken remarkably little time for him to find a job; thanks to restorative justice, he could use his rehabilitation requirements to procure a job in an accident breakdown call centre in Leeds. It was a little close to home for him to feel entirely comfortable with the move, but he had told himself that he had to stop running away from home to find himself – here was a good a place as any.

He had managed to get a small one bedroom flat for rent just outside the centre of the city. It didn't have many bells and whistles, and was barely furnished – but it would do. Besides, it was not as if he particularly needed a big wardrobe for his five T shirts and three pairs of trousers. He wouldn't be entertaining vapid socialites with champagne parties. He wouldn't be needing an underground garage for Rolls Royces and Jags. It was somewhere to sleep, to eat, to call his own.

Had he still had the scrapyard money, he could've perhaps afforded somewhere a bit more comfortable. About a year into his sentence, Aaron had bought Robert out of the business, sending a cheque with Vic on one of her visits. It had been the full £10,000 plus 20% of the profits, to keep him away for good. Sickened with himself that he should've been given this money from when he would just flash cash willy nilly, he kept 20% of the money, and given the rest of it to charity in shame.

He had found out why this flat was cheap to rent pretty quickly; the tap always dripped a monotone beat in the kitchen, the lift to the flat seemingly worked depending on how bothered it was (not often), and the cracks in the paint of his bedroom wouldn't have made the estate agent’s window. But it was his corner of space. He had earnt it. It was him that did it, not anyone else. He could be proud that he had managed it all alone. Alone…

Work was alright. It paid decent money for the work, he could use his sales experience charm in running the Whites’ business to calm down the stressed and upset motorists from Truro to Thurso, relying on him to get their journey back on track. He felt quietly chuffed that he was able to help these strangers, like he was earning his way back into redemption one angry motorist at a time. When he thought about it for too long during the nights when he couldn't sleep, he felt a bit childish; but the more he helped these strangers, the more healed he felt.

He didn't really speak much to his coworkers initially, although he was perfectly polite with them and seemed like nice, friendly people. On his first day, the young woman two cubicles left of him had come over to introduce herself. Her semi-long blonde hair curled at the tips and she had a radiant smile.

“Hi, you're new here, right?”, the woman nudged him on the shoulder during their lunch break. “I'm Alice”. She held out her finely manicured hand as she bent down, the heels giving the woman even more height than she already had.

“Yeah, I'm Robert”, he shook her hand shyly, struggling to look into her eyes as he introduced himself. “Erm…have you been working here long?” Clearly his art of small talking had become a bit rusty since coming out of prison.

“A couple of years now,” Alice smiled. “Thought it was gonna be a bit shit, but the people here are really lovely. You'll soon find that out, I'm sure!”

Truth be told, Robert had hardly thought about making friends since his release. He’d figured any potential new friends would balk once they found out he had spent over two years in jail for a string of offences anyway. No one needed to know about that.

“Cool,” Robert tried to give a small smile back, but couldn't muster the strength to give eye contact to the confident woman in front of him, the side-glance he gave betraying the shy little boy inside. “That'd be nice”.

“Well, we all go out down the pub on a Friday after work, you're welcome to join us if you want,” Alice beamed again, putting her hand gently on Robert’s shoulder as she did. Once, Robert would have been easily able to match that confidence inch for inch; without anything to show his status, however, he had nothing to proud of, no power or legacy of which to speak - just a shy little boy desperate for acceptance and love. How Robert wished he could have her confidence; not fuelled by wealth or power, but by self-acceptance.

“Thanks,” Robert tried to smile again, succeeding a little more this time. “I'll see you around, I guess?”

“Oh. Yes, definitely,” Alice looked slightly shocked the conversation was already ending, but never stopped smiling as she returned to her desk. “See you!” 

* * *

As the days grew closer to Friday, Robert felt ever more sick at the thought of Friday evening. Back in the Home Farm days, he could talk for an hour at a time about his latest car or client, where the business was heading, how much he had earnt for the company, where his next exotic holiday was. It was so effortless, impressing family, friends, and strangers with his glamorous lifestyle. People respected him and his position in society, and nobody could argue with that. He had felt untouchable.

Somehow, trying to pass off a shitty one bed flat in the outskirts of Leeds as Buckingham Palace driving a shitty Y-reg Fiat Punto instead of an Audi R8 seemed a bit pie-in-the-sky. Sure, he was proud of the fact that he had scraped all of this together all off his own back, but what sort of person would want to be friends with this? There was nothing impressive or special about him anymore. Just a standard tall blond bloke working in a call centre. He wasn't even sure he had a personality. He felt like a shell of a man. Nothing to even be arrogant about. He was nothing special.

The only reason why Robert was going to this was because it was better than being alone with his thoughts in the four damp grey walls of his flat. At least if he went, he’d have more ammunition to shoot himself down with when he inevitably makes several faux pas in the first five minutes.

As Friday afternoon ticked away leisurely to five o’clock, Robert was stirred from his self-deprecating monologue by Janet down the corridor, a fifty-something woman with a larger-than-life personality.

“Woo hoo!”, she screeched, “Time for the weekend!”

As if Janet were a school bell, everyone switched off their computers, got to their feet, and walked quickly towards the exit to leave work. Robert took his time, trying to find any excuse to be late or miss this pub thing, and waited until the coast seemed clear to get up from his desk and walk slowly towards the door.

“There you are! We’ve been waiting for you!” Alice popped her head around the door. “Come on, slow coach, all the good seats’ll be gone!”

Mustering up his best excited smile, he breathed in deeply and hurried towards Alice. “Sorry, computer wouldn't shut down”.

“It's fine, they’re just waiting for us outside,” Alice replied. “You're a shy one, aren't you, Robert”.

Knocked for six, Robert went to open his mouth, but nothing came out, “Um…”

“Sorry, you're just a bit fidgety, I can tell,” Alice smiled again. _How does she manage that fucking smile?_ “I promise we’re a really nice bunch, just get to know us! Here we are!”

They turned round the corner and out of the front exit to be greeted by Alice’s friends in the office. She went round the group, introducing them quickly: Chris, a medium build forty-something guy with a West Country accent; Janet, the screeching woman from before; Emily, a girl around Robert’s age with sweeping brown hair and a confident demeanour that reminded him uncomfortably of Chrissie; and Owen, a brown haired mid-height guy around Robert’s age with nice blue eyes and a cute smile.

The pub was a small local in the city centre, not that different from the Woolpack. It was clear that the group definitely had a table they liked, as they rushed off to get the rounded booth before anyone else could nab it. Robert raised his eyebrows before giving a little half smile as he went to join them.

After all the drinks started coming in, conversation turned to the newcomer, Robert feeling slightly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of these new people with no way to impress.

“So, have you lived here long, Robert?”, Owen looked towards him, cocking his head slightly with interest.

“No, I've just moved here a few weeks back,” Robert replied, wary about where the conversation was heading.

“Oh, really? Where were you before?” Owen took a sip of his beer without breaking eye contact. _Fuck, it went there._

“Just around, really,” Robert said a bit too quickly, enough to put that topic to rest for now. He looked around the group nervously, hoping no one noticed too much, but everyone except Owen were busy on their drinks to have noticed. Crisis averted…

Conversation took a slightly more upbeat tone as the drinks kept pouring, and eventually, even Robert found himself to be a little bit comfortable, and was laughing with everyone else at Janet’s crazy holiday stories from her trip to Lanzarote.

“Time for another drink, I think,” Robert proclaimed cheerfully as he got up from his seat towards the bar. Owen got up from his seat and followed slowly, fidgeting slightly with the strap of his wallet as he talked.

“You're a bit of a man of mystery, aren't you?” Owen started with a smirk.

Robert froze. Owen knew, he had worked it out, surely. His new life was over already, before he had even started. He knew this was a bad idea. He should have left the country. He should have changed his name, changed his look. Thrown himself off a cliff, bathed with a toaster. This was it.

“…oh?”, was all Robert could say, his hands sweating, his heart pulsating wildly.

“Yeah. I like it,” Owen smirked again, and looked into Robert’s eyes again. It was only now that Robert noticed how captivating those eyes were, much hiding behind that light blue to be discovered. “Erm, don't freak out if I've misread this…but it'd be nice to get to know you a bit better…you and me?”

Robert heaved a sigh of relief, “um…yeah, that would be great”. He smiled, and he saw the gleam in Owen’s eyes as he returned the smile.

“Great, here tomorrow night at 8?” he suggested as he searched for around for something in his pocket.

“Yeah, that's great,” Robert nodded. Owen pulled out some paper and a pen from his pocket, scribbled down something, and passed it to Robert.

“My number if anything goes tits up,” he smiled.

“Thanks”. Owen flashed him a smirk, and turned back towards the table. Robert still couldn't quite believe what had just happened. Not only had he just got a date, but with a man, and he hadn't flipped out like in the past when they questioned his sexuality. Smiling, he took his pint back to the table, the alcohol nursing his anxiety and plastering a permanent grin on his face for the rest of the night. _I've got a date!!_

* * *

The happiness did not last long after Robert had got in from the night out. Mercifully, the lift decided to take pity on drunk Robert and worked for a change, the drunk blond stumbling in half finished Happy Meal in hand. Now, however, he was alone again. Alone to everything except his thoughts. As Robert went to sit on the battered upholstered settee, his thoughts started to turn to his impending date. On the one hand, he was flattered that someone could be interested in him when he had no smoke and mirrors to hide behind. That someone would even give him a chance when he’s vulnerable and raw. That someone cared.

_But that was Aaron. What about him?_ , the thought niggled menacingly in the back of his head as he went for a half-cold chicken nugget. That was exactly who Aaron had been to him before. Aaron loved him in spite of his smoke and mirrors, never because of them. He loved the man behind the champagne and fast cars. Behind the expensive tastes, behind the arrogance. He loved the real Robert, a cheeky guy who secretly cared a great deal about those whom he loved, even if he struggled to show those emotions properly.

Finishing his food and downing a glass of water, he tugged limply at his clothes to remove some layers in the sticky June night, and flopped into bed, pulling the duvet loosely round his shoulders. He reached again for his phone and went straight for the album with him and Aaron. He scrolled franticly through the many pictures – he knew which one he wanted. He finally found it; it was when they were arsing around Home Farm for a week when the Whites went on holiday. Aaron had fallen asleep on Robert’s shoulder whilst snuggling up on the sofa, and Robert just had to get a picture. So carefully, he had leant in to Aaron’s dozing face so that his nose was brushing Robert’s, and took the photo. Whenever Robert had felt alone before prison, he would take out the picture and just caress it slightly with his thumb. So much love in one picture. He could never bring himself to delete it.

Because even though Robert knew he only had the future coming for him, that he had to make the most of his new chance with Owen, he also knew that he could never let go of his Aaron. Not that he was ever his. With that thought, Robert curled up into a ball like he used to in prison, and cried himself to sleep. No amount of new dates could dull this pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading Robert from such a different standpoint. I always see him as a scared little boy wanting love and acceptance, and I like seeing the tragic fragile side to him than the bravado we normally get. Please do send kudos and comments if you enjoyed this, or if you have anything you think I can improve on. Hopefully I will be able to update soon! :) Thanks


	3. Rock Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert wakes up the morning after, the full extent of his mental health problems becoming clear.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: alcoholism, heavy depression, panic attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has been a while, I got absorbed by Moving On. But this is back now, although I'm afraid it's going to get angsty before it gets happy... Trigger warning for depression and alcohol abuse here. I hope you 'enjoy' this chapter!

Robert groaned, blinking the unwelcome sunlight from his eyes as it pierced through the low-quality curtains in Robert’s room. After five minutes of internal strife as to whether or not to fall back asleep, he opened his eyes slowly, his head not able to take the assault of the outside world. There were chips from a Happy Meal strewn across the floor, and his clothes were thrown across the room, as if he had been chased by them round and round until he had fallen asleep. _Oh fuck…_

Despite the sunbathed room, Robert shivered with cold as he had done every morning since he had entered prison. He had come to realise that half of it was the fact that the prison walls made the room so cold, and the other half was that he had no one else to share his bed with him. To keep himself sane in jail, Robert would try and remember any sort of memory he could from waking up next to Aaron in the morning, hoping that he could do that again one day.

His favourite thing about waking up was the smell of Aaron on the bedsheets and in the room from sleeping over. He loved Aaron’s particular smell: a mix of his shower gel, the culmination of the smells of a hard day’s work, and his raw smell in the morning, which Robert adored despite how much it took his eyebrows off sometimes. The problem was, over time, the smell had begun to become more and more foreign to his memory. Some days he could remember it better than other days, but it was never quite right. That realisation only made Robert miss Aaron more.

 _Shit, I've got a date today_ , Robert rubbed his eyes, the world spinning slightly as he turned over to turn off his alarm. He had a date, and all he could think about was Aaron. Aaron, who had probably moved on after two years of no contact whatsoever. Who had probably moved on, met somebody else, settled down, had kids, who knew? Having run out of tears long ago, Robert simply felt his heart sink into a dull ache nowadays, the realisation that he had royally fucked up still raw to the bone as it was the day he got sent down.

Reluctantly, he turned over to check his phone for the time: twenty five past two. Five and a half hours later, he’d be trying to convince a poor guy that he wasn't an unfuckable sob story and could in fact be a great catch. _Pah, fucking unlikely_ , Robert grimaced wistfully, knowing that his joker of status and fortune had been lost down the back of the sofa long back. He didn't even know what he was going to say, whether he could make any conversation at all about himself. Sure, he could just deflect all of the conversation onto Owen and listen to him, but Owen would surely want to know about Robert, that was the point of a date. The worst thing was that Robert actually was interested in Owen, making him feel more miserable when he knew that something good was about to pass him by. Missing out on two years of his life had ruined his biggest asset – his unashamed love of talking about himself. Who wanted to know an ex-convict?

Robert tried to think about the last time he’d been on a date as he searched limply for a clean pair of underwear. He had never been on a date with Aaron, oddly – they were too busy either shagging or fighting to have time for proper dates. The only time when Robert tried to arrange something for Aaron, Katie had promptly come and ruined it by sniffing around the hotel with Chrissie. Robert’s heart ached again, wondering how different that night might have been had he and Aaron been left interrupted. How they could have chilled watching a footie match drinking beer, even though Robert couldn't even explain the offside rule. How they could have stayed up all night in each other’s arms, taking turns telling their deepest secrets and fucking each other's brains out. How they could have woken up in each other's arms the morning after, Robert being able to watch Aaron’s adorable sleeping face in awe until Aaron stirred. They had managed to have that at Home Farm that week, but Robert wanted to make the most of each and every opportunity he got. He had failed that time.

The nervous optimism that had cautiously seeped through Robert when he left the hotel in Nottingham had all but been poisoned into acidic indifference. _How could you have been so naïve_ , he chastised himself as he stepped under the warm water of his intermittent shower, the water emotionlessly trickling off his wiry figure. He used to love a hot shower before he went into prison; now it was just water, a habit he had to do to cleanse himself of the evil that invaded every pore of his skin. There was no joy anymore.

Drying himself and slopping on some joggers and a plain t shirt, he stuck a Pot Noodle in the microwave and slumped on the television. Robert related with the vapid nobodies on every channel, realising how it felt to think you were everything, when in reality, when he had his status taken away, he was just a ridiculous fool. He was absolutely nobody. No goodness. Just a shell. A walking monument to foolishness. He couldn't escape from his ultimate destiny: a loser.

He had to take on the consequences of his ambition, of his restlessness, of his arrogance. His punishment was to accept his mediocrity. To accept that his life would be working in a call centre all his life, living in an ageing flat, all alone. He didn't deserve to have a date tonight. He wished Owen had never met him, never had laid eyes on him. He’d be doing himself out of a load of torture being involved with the likes of Robert Sudgen. _Robert Sudgen_ , his mind hissed in disgust as he repeated his name over and over again. _What a fraud. What a nobody. No one could love you._

The microwave pinged from the corner of the room, but Robert had no energy left to get up – he’d used it all on his self-pitying tirade against himself that had raged on since he got up. He didn't care anyway, he wasn't hungry. He didn't even know why he turned on the microwave in the first place, he didn't need to eat. He was perfectly alright sat on the sofa, he’d eat later. He just continued to sit blankly at the old nineties television on the unit, his hopes for a better life crashing down around his bare feet.

The afternoon dragged on like a stone, like an anchor that was tied to Robert’s leg, forcing him to move forward with such pain and suffering. Having finally eaten the cold Pot Noodle around an hour before, it took all Robert’s strength to stand up from the mould he had created on the sofa to get ready for this date. Despite his head feeling like a hornet’s nest on aching shoulders, he decided to go, if not only to collect more ammunition for his self-hate. He wished he were drunk, he seemed more optimistic when he was drunk. No Glenfiddich in these cupboards though – there was barely any beer. Just a cheap own-brand whisky that Robert had brought from Nottingham. Robert had had to budget much more carefully nowadays; gone were the frivolous days of spending money because he could. Now he had a rent to pay.

Gone were the vast array of shirts as well. Yes, when Robert thought back to them, he felt wrong and disgusted…but at least people noticed him. When was anyone going to notice him if he was just wearing a plain work shirt and jeans? _You look like you deserve to, Robert_ , the smug voice inside his head goaded, _completely and utterly uninteresting. No one is going to notice you. Now you have nothing._ Robert stared blankly in the mirror, only putting his fingers through his messy bed air after putting on a work shirt. Half-heartedly spraying deodorant, he fixed himself up as best he could muster before leaving the flat, grabbing his thin wallet and his keys as he left. He locked the door behind him, prepared to give anything to stop him from going to the date.

Suddenly, the air suffocated him, its big hands wrapped tightly around Robert’s neck. Frantically trying to break loose of its grasp, he clung onto the side of the wall, his hands slipping as he struggled to grip the slippery cement walls. He collapsed to the ground, his eyes beginning to close as he strained to free himself, pushing his back against the wall to regain composure as the outside world melted into one indistinct mess. He put his hands on the floor to try and balance himself, but his head rolled over and over, the world spinning out of control as he was losing the strength to breathe. Feeling a fire of repulsion burn inside his throat, he turned on the ground as he lost control of his breath, darkness enveloping him like a large blanket over hills, the cold darkness knocking him out stone cold.

* * *

Robert awoke after an eternity of darkness, surrounded by an ungodly stench as he found himself splayed across the floor outside his front door. He sat up, noticing the source of the horrid smell – vomit was covering him from head to toe and around where he was laid. _How the fuck…_ , he thought, confused. _You can’t even keep yourself from chundering down ya_ , that ever critical voice was never far behind Robert’s natural thoughts.

Shaking slightly as he got up from the ground, he checked the time on his phone: quarter past eight.

“Shit!” Robert hissed, knowing his date was ruined before he had even got the chance to ruin it himself. Regaining some composure, he shot a quick text to Owen after scrambling around for the piece of paper in his pocket with his number on: _Sorry, just felt really ill, don’t want you getting it – see you Monday._

He knew it sounded pathetic, and definitely like a cop-out, which Robert was more than accustomed to from his past with Aaron. Berating himself for not having enough control, he concentrated as hard as he could putting the key back in the lock to let himself in, his breath still shaking from having chucked half his guts up. He was in. Robert slammed the door behind him, stripping as he marched in, determined to cleanse himself of the sickness that was covering him head to toe. He reached the bedroom, slamming the door behind himself, dumping his dirty clothes into another random pile. He flopped on the bed and cried. And cried. He held onto the pillow, wishing to anyone who would listen that Aaron would just message him. Or text him. Or ring him. Or send a smoke signal. He needed to know someone didn’t find him evil, or repugnant, or a lost cause. He needed someone to belief in him, because that person was not going to be himself.

* * *

_Aaron it’s Robert. I know it’s been a long time…but I need to talk to you, please can we talk? xxx_

No, no, no, too grovelling. Aaron had heard enough grovelling from Robert from before prison, when Aaron chose to look after himself rather than put up with such a lowlife in his life again.

_Aaron it’s Robert. Can we talk? I miss you xxx_

Yeah, because he totally misses you. Not.

_Aaron it’s Robert…I’m in trouble…I need you, please ring me xxx_

You’re not being mugged, you’re lovesick, you pathetic prick. Robert chucked his phone to the opposite end of the bed, giving up on trying to text Aaron. He didn’t deserve help, anyway. Just because he was too weak to get over it alone, Robert had the audacity to think he deserved to be helped by someone whose confidence and trust Robert had so systematically decimated. _You’ve got a nerve, Sudgen_.

He reached over to the half empty bottle of cheap whiskey from the floor, taking another liberal swig as the lukewarm liquid trickled down his throat, saving him from the despair of listening to his inside voice sober. At least when he was drunk, he could have a laugh about it, or even just forget altogether. Taking another chug of the whiskey, he leant against the wall of his room, sitting there in a drunken stupor, not having lined his stomach beforehand. He felt sick again, but this was a nice sick, the comforting sick. The sick that made him forget about his other problems. He saw it as cleansing, as though he was a vomiting up a demon.

Robert closed his eyes after another swig, the whisky going down and down. He put his hand to his face but couldn’t feel a thing, giggling limply at how drunk he was getting. He didn’t give a shit. What did he have to lose now? His reputation? His business? His life? He lost those the day he decided to stay with Chrissie. He had already lost what he most craved.

Leaning forward, feeling a rush of vomit coming, he put his head over the floor as he threw up onto the laminate floor, the whiskey stopping him from being able to sit up straight. As soon as he finished, he reached for another swig from the bottle. He didn’t care if he poisoned himself. Tonight he was going to get absolutely shit faced. Fuck Robert Sudgen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do remember to give kudos and especially comments, comments help me so much to know if I'm on the right path or not. I'm not so much a fan of this chapter, but it's necessary for the good stuff that happens later! I hope you enjoyed it, I'll update soon! Thanks :)


	4. Hermit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert wakes up and realises what he has to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the angst continues. I promise you it'll get happier soon, but I still can't resist digging right into Robert's mind. As with last time, there are trigger warnings for depression and insinuations of suicide here. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_You have eight new messages._

_First message, left yesterday by 07109421944 at 2312 hours: Stop fucking calling me, Robert, I’m not gonna talk to you. Are you drunk? Just fucking leave me alone, yeah._

_Second message, left yesterday by 07109421944 at 2318 hours: Fuck off! I will block this number if you don’t stop leaving moany voicemails, we have nothing left to say to each other. Piss off, Robert._

_Third message, left yesterday by 07109421944 at 2330 hours: Fuck, are you choking? I heard something smash, are you in trouble? I can’t believe I’m even slightly concerned or even listening to your voicemails. Probably taking the piss. Goodbye, Robert_

_Fourth message, left yesterday by 07109421944 at 2341 hours: Where the fuck are you, Robert? Just tell me where you are. I’ll come and get you. This doesn’t mean anything. Just tell me where you are._

_Fifth message, left today by 07109421944 at 0001 hours: Fuck sake, Robert, just fucking tell me. I’ll come and get you. Why the fuck am I doing this? I’m a fucking muppet. Fuck sake, Robert. Just tell me where you are._

_Sixth message, left today by 07109421944 at 0009 hours: Pick up the fucking phone, Robert. You’ve been ringing me for two hours and now I want to talk to you, you won’t pick up. Fuck sake, Robert, I know you’re in trouble. Tell me where you are._

_Seventh message, left today by 07109421944 at 0012 hours: Right. Don’t fucking move._

_Eighth message, let today by 07001892991 at 0022 hours: Alright, Robert, I’m on my way._

* * *

 

Bright white lights pierced through Robert’s eyes. He had to summon all of his energy to breathe, the weight of the world flattening his chest. He heard machines, the monotonous beeping lulling Robert into security, not daring to open his eyes. He felt like he was deep underwater, the beeps from the machine muffled and distant. He was sinking…sinking…sinking…darkness… _thud_.

Robert’s eyes flew open, the bright lights assaulting him frantically as he adjusted to his surroundings. He looked above, his view filled with uninspiring ceiling tiles and uninviting blue walls. He felt the support of a soft bed encompassing his aching back, his head on a large white pillow, the whiteness blinding in its cleanliness.

“Robert?” he heard from the side of his pillow, not daring to move as he felt the world sway slightly. Robert did not reply, choosing to save his precious little energy. He couldn’t look round, but he was sure whose voice he had heard. _Aaron has come. He does love me. He does care._ Robert smiled as he felt the relief that he had not totally fucked up washed over him like the surf at the edge of a beach, rhythmically rolling in and out, lazy, carefree.

“Aaron”, he whispered happily. “You came”. He had so many things to say, to confess, to scream from the rooftops. This was the day.

“…no, Robert, it’s Owen”, came the slightly disappointed voice from the other side of the pillow. His disappointment was nothing to that of Robert’s. His aching joints and his pounding head had subsided as soon as he had heard Aaron’s voice; now they were heavier than ever. “You left me a voicemail last night, you were in a right state when I got to the flat. They had to pump your stomach, you were sick all over the room, there were smashed bottles everywhere. What the fuck made you down half a litre of cheap whiskey? I thought you were ill?”

“You don’t even know the half of it”, Robert muttered, not wanting to get into the specifics of his bender right now. He hadn’t even remembered calling Owen…he barely remembered calling Aaron. The time after about eight o’clock and his panic attack was hazily remembered at best. He remembered crying on his bed, and reaching over for the whiskey. He remembered trying to text Aaron, and the first couple of voicemail messages he had left. After that, it was a blur. Aaron probably never even listened to them as soon as he knew they were from. Why would he? They were from the world’s biggest loser.

“Well, you can tell me if he you want”, Owen probed lightly, but Robert didn’t respond. He just kept staring in front of him, giving anything to have Aaron walk through the door at the end of the room, hyperventilating at the thought of Robert dying. But of course not. No one would come to visit a living Robert anyway, let alone a dying one.

“What’s the time?” Robert muttered, overwhelmed by grief at his premature hope.

“Quarter to three in the morning”, came the reply. “The paramedics came about one, we’ve been here for about an hour and a half. They weren’t sure if you’d wake up til morning, to be honest”.

“Always hanging round like a bad smell, me”, Robert replied solemnly, no hint of jest in his gravelly voice. “Sorry about tonight, by the way. I was feeling like absolute shit, I didn’t mean to stand you up, like”.

“It’s fine”, Owen huffed, his voice full of suspicion at Robert’s real motives for his behaviour that night. _Great, another person who won’t trust me_. Not that Owen didn’t have a reason to, Robert had practically begged him to be the ex-lover he was still in love with. He wondered if he had accidentally divulged that over voicemail to Owen last night, even though Owen was still with him two and a half hours later. He can’t have…or he was a very forgiving person. “We can always reschedule”.

“Yeah…”, Robert replied half-heartedly, the anxiety about having to talk about himself bubbling again, making his heart rate monitor start to beep a little faster. “Thanks for coming to help me…I probably would have died if you hadn’t”. _What a shame…_

“No problem”, Owen replied, and the two settled into a long silence. Zoning out to save energy, Robert savoured and lamented the silence in equal measure; on the one hand, he didn’t have to talk and potentially have to reveal his past to Owen, which relieved him. However, it also meant he was stuck listening to his worst critic: himself. Even inside head Robert loved to talk about himself, even if it was only just to make him feel worse.

Robert was brought back into consciousness from shouting outside the open door to his room. Robert looked to Owen for the first time, who was also craning his neck to listen to the commotion.

“Sir, please calm down, there are patients trying to sleep”, hissed the head nurse of the ward.

“I just need to see Robert Sudgen, the tall blond twatty one”, shouted the voice from outside. Robert’s heart stopped momentarily. _Aaron!_ _He did come!_ He went to shout Aaron’s name to let him know he was alright, but nothing came out, still low on energy from the accident.

“Sorry, Sir, it’s only family allowed”, pressed the head nurse. “You can come back later, or-“

“He’s my…fuck…he’s my boyfriend”, he growled reluctantly, Robert’s heart beat harder upon hearing ‘boyfriend’. He was well aware what a sacrifice of pride that would have been for Aaron, only going further to making him fall harder and harder for him.

The head nurse was silent for a few moments until she replied, “Okay, Sir, you can see him. But five minutes only!” The footsteps had already started as the head nurse called after him, “He already has someone in there with him!”

Robert heard Owen stand next to him, almost defensive over him. _Sit the fuck down_ , he wanted to hiss at him, but he had no energy, nor was that the sort of thing you did to someone who just saved your life. Robert felt the vibrations of Aaron’s flatfooted footsteps come closer and closer, Robert’s breath becoming tighter and tighter. The footsteps grew slower and slower as they reached the doorframe, apprehension laced in each step, torturing Robert. This was the first time Robert would see Aaron in over two and a half years. He had been through jail, crushed Aaron’s heart and tried to kill his family…and still he came. But he had no idea what to expect.

He could hear Aaron’s breathing, irregular and apprehensive from the door. He knew he was there, he could feel the magnetism pulling them together from the outside corridor. Hearing one big inhalation, the footsteps revealed the man. Robert's vision blurred as tears started to bubble up, so overwhelmed that Aaron still cared for him, even if that amount was so tiny. He heard Owen ruffle up in defence, but he didn't care. Aaron had come back for him. Aaron loved him, he was sure.

His hair was still quite long for Aaron, curled up at the front from the rush to Leeds. He was wearing a light grey hoodie and jogging bottoms from the heat outside, so quintessentially Aaron that a tear did escape Robert, rolling slowly down his cheek. He looked well, very well, in fact. He had kept the beard, and he looked healthier than he could ever remember, his posture more self-assured than before. Robert’s chest exploded, feeling a rush of adrenaline as he felt himself fall in love with him all over again.

Robert saw the look in Aaron’s eye as their eyes met for the first time. He saw the relief that he was awake, the memories flooding back from yesteryear, Aaron’s own feelings softening his gaze. It took one step in the room for that to drain quickly from his face, however, as he clocked the confused Owen sat next to the bed, one hand strategically placed on the bedsheets.

“You came”, Robert smiled weakly as Aaron walked slowly into the room.

“I won't spoil your cosy chat”, Aaron growled. “Clearly I'm surplus to requirements”. He went to turn back to the door.

“Aaron, wait!”, Robert summoned the energy to shout, causing Aaron to stop in his tracks, but not to turn back around.

“How did you know I was here? How did you know I was even in Leeds?”, Robert murmured, out of energy to shout again.

“Wow, you were fucking drunk”, Aaron laughed humourlessly, turning slightly but not completely where he stood. “You sent me a load of voicemails I didn't want to reply to, and then I heard choking and smashed bottles. So I got your address out of you to see an empty flat with sick all over the floor and your room absolutely trashed. And now I see my journey was a waste of time”. He went to leave before stopping to look at Owen. “You wanna watch yaself, mate, Robert ‘ere has a record of stringing along two at the same time”. With that, he left abruptly, ignoring Robert’s faint pleas for him to stay.

The blood drained from Robert’s body straight to the floor. He felt tears run down his cheeks, hot and burning, like the first night he had spent in prison. He didn't have the energy to move his arms, so the tears came falling freely, seeping into the top of the bedsheets.

Owen got up from his seat, still shaken and dazed from Aaron’s display, and turned to face Robeet. “I’m gonna go and get some kip”, he told Robert softly, a distrustful edge lacing his voice. “I’ll be back in a few hours to come and pick you up when they discharge you. Glad you're alright”, he finished, pulling a half-smile as he left the room in thought, the confusion and suspicion written across his face.

The floodgates opened. He was all alone. Robert wailed Aaron’s name like a lost puppy, praying that he was just around the corner and was waiting for Owen to leave before declaring his undying love for him. But no one came. No one would. Aaron had clearly moved on. He had lost Owen’s trust. No one wanted him around. He didn't blame them. He just polluted everyone’s lives. He should have died a long time ago, not giving himself the chance to so casually ruin everyone’s lives. He was dead to them anyway. Good riddance, Robert. Good riddance.

* * *

Owen collected him later on that day, but upon Robert’s insistence, left him alone to tidy his flat and get things in order. Meticulously, he scrubbed every last bit of floor, picked up every last bit of rubbish or clothes, cleaned behind the counters, the shelves, the wardrobe, the mould that had been there long before he had arrived. He had to clear away the evil, the sickness, the disgustingness that hung over the flat because of Robert. He had caused this. He had to be punished. He deserved to be punished so much.

There was no emotion as he cleaned, other than permanent hatred of his being. But that hatred, once a burning demon, was now just a dull reality, a burden Robert would carry with him to his grave. It wasn't an emotion.

The more he cleaned in the silence of his room, the more he felt assured of his next step. He knew he had to do it, he knew how it would be best for everyone that way. He was going to accept his punishment; he would live in mediocrity, in painful solitude. It was his need for success and for love that caused him to so callously ruin the lives of everyone that he had ever cared for. He was one of life’s bad guys, one of the permanently evil and selfish people that would never be able to love anyone like they should be loved. He was selfish, arrogant, a liar. What goodness did he deserve from that?

Once he had finished cleaning and tidying, he started to disconnect himself from the outside world, one painful way at a time. First he unplugged the landline from the wall, the telephone cable hanging redundantly as he cut himself off. He turned off his mobile phone, removed the battery, and placed it in a hard-to-reach drawer in the kitchen. He turned off the router in the hallway and unplugged it, putting it back in its box behind the settee. He unplugged the television and disabled the aerial, glad to be rid of people who reminded him so disgustingly plainly of himself. That was better. He was all alone. Out of people to disappoint or use or hurt. He only had himself now.

It had not been easy to hermit himself at work, what with the community atmosphere and the repugnantly jolly nature of half the workforce. Both Alice and Owen tried to get him to speak more, but his default phrase had become ‘Sorry, I must get on now, talk later’. It had been hard to shake those two off first; there had been apology coffees and doughnuts, peace cakes and biscuits. They'd even tried to stage a mini-intervention one Friday after work, but Robert refused to answer the door to them as they knocked outside. Eventually, the attempts started to dry up, the efforts less concerted, the smiles less genuine. By the time September had rolled around, Robert was now just a face that worked there. He wasn't a friend.

The customers of the breakdown service no longer made him feel redeemed. He would still help the best he could, knowing that it was the only thing keeping him from being totally worthless and evil, but he had grown jealous of them. Jealous of their relationships, their families. He’d even envy their emotions, the fact that they could feel without feeling a large surge of guilt that their feelings existed. Robert didn't deserve to have feelings. He signed them all over long ago when he trampled all over his family and Aaron’s heart.

After a while, he had managed to put together a schedule so that he could avoid people more easily. During the week, he would wake up soon before he had to leave, and would go to bed early to give himself no opportunity to think or pine for more. At the weekend, he would wake very late, sometimes almost in the evening, and then do his shopping at a 24 hour supermarket, where he could escape in the early hours to an almost empty shop and self-service checkouts. He had also cut down on fatty foods to avoid comfort eating, and had given up alcohol entirely. That didn't have the effect of making Robert healthier; instead, he just ate less, his body getting leaner and leaner as he routinely skipped meals.

He began to get into a rhythm, as they turned into habits and his hermit life began to take shape. Never before had he felt that something was so clearly the right thing to do. He felt a sole prickle of goodness in that he had spared everyone the pain of his existence, realising that this what he should have done all along. His naïveté was nice to think about at the beginning, but try as he might, he couldn't escape his past in his mind. And he didn't deserve to make up a new life to avoid all the questions.

October finally prompted Robert to buy some clothes more suited to the colder wetter weather that drenched the city. He had a few clothes from when he got sent down that winter, but they reminded him of the old him, the one who couldn’t be trusted, the one who could never happen again. So he had bought some plain jumpers and a long coat from the clothes section of the 24 hour supermarket, not allowing himself to care about designer labels and price tags.

He climbed up the steps up to his flat, sirens blaring through the city as he trudged up each individual step. He stopped himself from using the lift, and had taken to walk instead, forcing him to get up earlier in the mornings to fit it in. The corridor was dark as he walked slowly back to his front door, his footsteps bouncing loudly off of the cemented floor.

Bang. Robert had knocked into something as he reached the door.

“Who’s there?” he shouted, dropping his shopping bags to defend himself.

“Robert, Robert, stop, it’s me”, called a muffled voice on the floor. “It’s Owen, I’ve come to see ya”.

“At half past twelve at night?”, Robert sniffed as he went to put the key in the lock,

“I know this is when you do your shopping”, Owen admitted, gathering himself as he stood up, tying his scarf around his neck again. “Alice does her shopping now as well, she’s seen you a few times”.

“Oh”, was all Robert could reply. “Well, thanks, but now’s not a good time, now, so night”, Robert closed the door, but got jammed by Owen’s foot in the way. “Move your foot, Owen”.

“No, Robert”, he growled uncharacteristically. “I’m not leaving until you tell me exactly what shit has come down. And I will wait outside your door every day until you tell me, I’m not going away”.

“Just leave me alone, alright?” Robert grumbled, trying to push his foot out of the way. “You don’t want to get involved”.

“You involved me the day you decided you wanted to give yourself alcohol poisoning and ring me to save you”, Owen noted drily. “So let me the fuck in”.

Robert didn’t have enough energy to let continue fighting, and held the door limp as he sighed and walked with his shopping bags into the dimly lit kitchen.

“Thanks,” Owen called, removing his coat and shoes at the door. “Something’s not right, Robert, and I need to know what I’ve done. I thought we were doing alright when we met…I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it, especially how weirdly it all ended”.

_Shit, you’ve not been doing your job right, Sugden._

“It was nothing to do with you and everything to do with me”, Robert murmured as he put the fresh milk in the fridge. “Really, my mental health is only my business”.

“Don’t I even deserve an explanation for why you pretty much ghosted me? Let alone for the thing with that other guy in the hospital?” Owen countered. _Aaron._ Robert’s mind cast back vividly to the last time he had seen him, that look of despair and disgusted that mere seconds ago had been love and relief.

“I thought I just did”, Robert grumbled, still not looking to Owen as he put the rest of his shopping away into the cupboards. “You really don’t need to get involved. You’re a really nice guy, but you don’t need to be here. Go back to your other friends at work, they won’t be quite so fucked up as me”.

“Robert…” Owen murmured in confusion. “Why have you unplugged the phone? And the telly?” Robert looked up at Owen, his body running cold with anxiety. “No wonder you weren’t getting any of my calls, the bloody thing’s been off all this time”.

Robert started breathing in more sharply, trying to remain calm before he broke down in front of Owen, the pressure of his past building up like a gas explosion, ripping apart the seams of his delicate psyche.

“Robert, please, I can help you, if you’d just talk to me”, Owen shot Robert a worried look, and motioned him to take the sofa. “I’ll get you a glass of water”.

Robert walked slowly over to the sofa, being careful to watch his breathing as he felt his head start to roll into a sickening sequence of spins. Taking the water from Owen, he sipped, battling to maintain control of his consciousness.

“Now…talk”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Robert's journey starts here! Please do comment, it really does help me know where to improve, and kudos is always welcomed. I'll update this fic as soon as I can. Thanks! :)


	5. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert opens up to Owen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad to read that people are enjoying the angst! It's different to what I've written before, but it's interesting to get into the gritty sides of character's issues. I hope you enjoy this mega-chapter! :) 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Explicit reference to suicide and self-harm, depression

Robert squirmed in his seat, feeling Owen’s stern gaze bore into his neck with no-nonsense intensity. He wanted to run as far as he could, stop thinking, and just run. He wanted the whistle of the wind to get louder and louder, drown out that infernal voice in his head. He wanted the horizon to melt into a single point, Robert’s eyes focussing on nothing else but that point.

But he couldn’t keep running. He had run away more times than he could remember. He was tired, he was vulnerable. Even though the thought of admitting what a total screw up he was made him feel faint, there was no other choice. Prison wasn’t the final consequence of his manslaughter, his lies, his betrayal. It was living with those actions. Now he was at a dead-end. He was finally cornered.

“…I…where…where do I start?” Robert murmured absent-mindedly.

“Well…tell me why you got yourself into a drunken coma”, Owen suggested, still not moving his gaze.

“I…” the onslaught of emotions and sensations had no translations, and Robert had to really focus his mind for anything coherent to come out his mouth, his breath still sharp in his throat. “I…I was really scared of the date…the whole talking about myself…”

“So you got yourself paralytic…because you were scared of going out with me?” Owen said sceptically.

“It wasn’t you”, Robert pressed, looking at Owen for the first time. “I…I really liked you, I did want to know you…it was me. And you really _really_ don’t want to know about me”.

“Why not?” Owen asked. “You seemed interesting, you looked good…it sounded like a great idea”.

“You don’t know what I’ve done…where I’ve been”, Robert looked to his lap, shuddering as his guilt provided constant reminders of his mistakes.

“Does that have anything to do with that Aaron lout?” Owen raised his eyebrows in indignation.

Robert snapped his gaze to look straight into Owen’s eyes, Owen immediately looking apologetic at the ferocity of Robert’s eyes, “Aaron is not a lout. He’s the love of my life, so don’t start on him”.

“Then why did you say yes to going out with me?”

“…I had to move on…I knew Aaron would have, and I could never go back, so I had no choice”.

“Go back where?”

“…Emmerdale…” the word was stuck in Robert’s throat like a thorn, a reminder of his past, his family, all that he lost. “The village I grew up in, the village I returned to, the village I…can’t go back to”.

“Why not? Is that why you’re in Leeds?”

“...yeah”.

“What made you leave Emmerdale?” was of course the natural question, but it was the one that Robert was dreading the most. It was the nadir of Robert’s pitiful moral record, unforgiveable. But he had to get it out of his system, rid his body of the illness, the sickness of his shame. Maybe if he just got it out of his body, out his hair, out of his mouth for the first time, the spectre of his evil might just soften.

“I…I…I got….y’know…got…sent…down”, the final words came out as a faint whisper, but audible enough for Owen to hear, his face wide with shock. Robert felt an odd sensation rumble through his body, an avalanche gathering pace down a mountainside. He felt all the guilt that he had built up since the day in court. He felt all the shame, the hatred, the lies, the repugnance, the tears, the anger rise up like great monuments to the past. He closed his eyes, unable to contain the rush of adrenaline pulsing through his veins like venom. But then, all of a sudden, it fizzled away. The monuments of sand fell away, the sun melting the avalanche snow as it slowed its pace down the hill. What replaced the illness was a feeling somewhat resembling serenity, whatever that was. It was the first time Robert had felt somewhat calm in years, without the hooded skeleton of history stalking him. “Manslaughter and blackmail. Two and a half years, lenient sentence”.

“Wow”, Owen replied finally. “I wasn’t expecting that, I’ll admit”.

Despite the freedom he felt from giving his shame an outlet, the voice inside him still shrilled as vocally as ever. _Well that’s done it. He’ll be out in the next five seconds, just you watch._

“I guess you’ll be on your way out now?” Robert stated bleakly.

“Did I say that?” Owen raised his eyebrows again, and turned to face Robert. “If I sat here and judged everyone because of their past mistakes, I wouldn’t have many friends. It’s not like I haven’t made mistakes of my own, y’know”. Owen breathed in deeply, his face conflicted as to his next move. Finally, he exhaled, and began, “I had a friend when I was at university. We got on really well, we went out for a while, me and her. Her name was Megan. Bubbly personality, very intelligent. She hid it well, being the class clown. But she was so smart. And then one day, after a while of her being a bit out of sorts, she told me that she has depression. She would tell me how she would look at herself in the mirror and hate herself, point out her flaws, this internal voice that just wouldn’t shut up. I did my best to comfort her, but I was only nineteen, I didn’t know how to handle it.

“I tried to suggest things to make her feel better, y’know, like going out, or going for a walk or a day out. But she just couldn’t bring herself to leave her room. Eventually, I just thought that she was just pushing me out. And I was stupid enough to ignore the real red flags; she’d stopped eating big meals, I thought I caught her harming herself once with a pair of scissors. And instead of actually doing something about it, I left her to it. She had said to me it was none of my business, and I listened. I went out, had a good time, met a few girls, met a few guys. I still thought about Megan, but I just thought our friendship was ending.

“Then one evening, I tried one last time to save our friendship and invited her out with us that night. She looked pretty calm, she even smiled a little bit. But she said she was busy that night, and that she hoped that I’d have a good time. She told me how much she valued our friendship, and she had wished things had been different. I thought our friendship was back on, and I went out, sent her a few texts and voicemails, and got nothing back. Woke up the next morning, got a text from her housemate. She had killed herself that night, hanged herself with a clothes hanger. They’d only found her in the morning, her door unlocked, with a single suicide note.

“I beat myself up for a long time after that, knowing that if I had just stayed with her that night, or forced her to come out with us, or just paid better attention to those warning signs, I could’ve saved her. She might still be alive if I hadn’t been so selfish and self-obsessed and actually gave a fuck about anyone other than myself. I had my own little depressive stage, where I just let myself get consumed by this guilt, this rage, this self-disgust. I didn’t know what the solution was…I was just carrying this enormous guilt around with me, not knowing where to go or who to turn to. I felt sick waking up. I saw her face first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night. Her memory was haunting me.

“Eventually, my boyfriend at the time staged an intervention. I had holed myself in my room, missed a week of lectures. And he forced me to talk about what I was going through. And it was so fucking hard. I had all this emotion in me that I didn’t give an outlet to, that eventually it would have rotted me out from the inside. It wasn’t until someone had given me an opportunity to vent that I could start healing, moving on from my mistakes, giving myself some flack. And it got better. Sometimes I still think about it, but it never gets to me like it used to, because I know that I had to move on in order to be a better person in the future”.

“God…” Robert said softly, his expression also softening as he digested what Owen had just said. “Why…why did you tell me that?”

“Because I trust you”, Owen replied, his gaze fixed. “I saw the real you that Friday, when we were at the bar. Once you’d had something to drink and you forgot all of your insecurities…you were just this cheeky chappy that felt a need to impress people when really they like you for the things that you don’t notice you do. When you’re feeling better in your head, you look at people when you talk to them, like they matter to you, like you give a shit. You talk to people like you care, like you wanted to be there. It may have only been for an evening that I managed to see that, but I knew that was the real you.

“Then you go all cold on me, and I just saw what happened with Megan all over again. I knew that I had to learn from my past mistakes, especially with the whole drinking yourself into a coma thing. I wanted to intervene then, and I did. But Alice got me to give you space, try and figure things out first. It’s not like we didn’t care…we just realised that our tactics weren’t working. But tonight…I knew that if I left it for much longer, the same thing would be happening again and I would’ve had another death against my name. A bit selfish, I know. But I do care”, Owen took Robert’s hand, Robert not fighting the comfort he got from the touch of a friend. “I might have only managed to talk to you for a few days before you clammed up…but you were an enigma. I had to figure you out. Something was drawing me to you”.

“I’m glad you did”, Robert admitted.

“So…do you trust me now?” Owen looked on hopefully. “Not even Alice knows about Megan…not entirely, anyway”.

Robert nodded, a pained half-smile creasing the corners of his mouth as Owen let go of his hand and went to stand.

“Good”, Owen smiled back. “I’ll go and make us a cuppa, and you can tell me what’s on your mind”.

* * *

 

“So…I’m presuming you and Aaron had something to do with this manslaughter charge?” Owen asked as he took a seat, passing Robert his mug of steaming tea as he sat.

“Yeah”, Robert answered, still wondering how to word such confusing thoughts. “I only moved back to the village about a year before I got sent down. I’ve never had the best relationship with my family…they were farmers, and I wanted more, a lot more. I’d always had ambition. I never felt like I could achieve where my family was. Plus…” Robert paused for a moment, thinking about his fraught relationship with his father, “…me and Dad never got on the more I grew up. I don’t think the whole liking guys thing would have gone down well”.

“I understand”, Owen nodded. “My Mum was the same for a bit, even though I told her I was bisexual. She can still be a bit iffy…but I do my best to not let it stop me from loving who I do”.

Robert nodded back, “Well, I only properly discovered that when I left. I had always been curious…but I was able to meet guys without my Dad scorning me for it. I still liked girls, a lot, I’ve never lost any interest for them. But guys were equally as interesting to me. Didn’t stop me from being ashamed of who I was, though. I’d fuck guys, but I’d always delete their number…or ghost…or whatever. After a long time, a couple of failed relationships with girls and countless one night stands, I met my ex-wife, Chrissie”. Robert shuddered as his memories got closer to the present. “I met him through my old boss’s, Chrissie’s father’s, business. He introduced me to her, and we just clicked. We were both ambitious, we both liked the finer things…it was like we were some power couple waiting to happen. I had a ready-made family, life, fortune. It was the opportunity to make something of myself, for people to respect me. And then we moved back to Emmerdale…

“It was alright in the beginning. It was weird being around my family, especially since my Dad died. But his widow was a good mother to his children, and she accepted me with open arms. Me and my fiancée moved into the big farm estate in the village, and we suddenly had this influence. I could swagger around the village and people could see I had finally made it, I was worth something. But I was still struggling with something…it was like I was taking on this want for power and wealth, and burying a more organic need, something that couldn’t be bought. I loved my fiancée, in a way…but something wasn’t enough.

“Then I met Aaron. I knew him vaguely from when I was younger…he was this tearaway kid that had been abandoned by his parents and he ended up getting into all these scrapes with the law. But I had left the village when he had his sexuality crisis, so it shocked me to learn he was gay. Shocked…and excited me. I thought he was clocking my wife when he fixed up her car for free after something went a bit wrong… But this seed started growing in my brain, this fixation…this want. I thought it was purely sexual, carnal, this crazy desire. Something I could just flush from my system once with the guy, and then move onto the proper relationship with Chrissie.

“So I kissed him. And we fucked in the back of a car. And it was amazing, perfect even. It was rough, but at the same time…tender. It was full of desire, but already I knew it wasn’t just a one-time thing. There was something about his eyes…his smile…his touch…the way he only spoke when he had something to say…it was perfect. Beautiful. Magical.

“So we continued the relationship, meeting up in barns, me not fulfilling some responsibilities. It was like a whole new experience…I had never felt so completed by someone else, even if we were only either shagging or arguing about something. We went away for one night, and I felt him next to me. I got to wake up next to him and fall in love with him…the way he snored…the way he would smile slightly in his sleep…it was just amazing. But still I was ashamed that I could have such deep feelings for the guy. It wasn’t like he was going places, even though I had invested in his new business with his mate. He didn’t have power, he didn’t have status. Fuck, he’d been inside before. But he was just the genuine article. Nothing like me. I told him that I was still going to marry Chrissie, and that it would all be over after the wedding.

“Then my adopted brother’s wife started to clock on about me having an affair. The more I tried to dissuade her from pursuing it, the more she went after me. I torched their caravan, I’d disgrace her in public. Nothing was stopping her. Then the day of the wedding, Aaron calls me into a barn to tell me he loves me, and didn’t want me to get married. When I gave him the wrong answer, he went off and told her, and set me up so that she’d catch me kissing him. She caught us, took a few videos on her phone…we argued. We fought. Aaron left and it was just me and Katie. It got a bit physical…she tried to push past me to leave, I pushed her back…the floor was unstable…she landed”, Robert closed his eyes as the events played before his eyes, Katie’s terrified eyes scorching his memory the second she dropped into the darkness. “She…she fell through the floor…landed…and she died. I never meant to kill her, just rough her up a bit, convince her to keep her secret. But she had died. I rang Aaron, I needed him, I couldn’t think straight. When he came, we argued…I told him that it was partly his fault because he called her…if he had never called her, she never would have died. I think he still thinks this now…” Robert went to wipe the tears forming his eyes, Owen holding Robert’s shaking hand in comfort.

“So we kept seeing each other after the accident, and I was falling more and more. One week, Chrissie and her family went on holiday on their own, and I stayed behind to ‘work’. In reality, it was me and Aaron hanging around the house, being all domestic, fucking each other’s brains out…it was beautiful. I think I fell in love with him that week, properly. I saw what he was like away from the arguing and the fucking…and he was just fun. He was earnest, but with the people he was closest to, the ones he trusted…he’d just open up. He’d be sarcastic, he’d be a cheeky bastard…but I knew he cared. I was more torn than ever, but I knew I had to keep my life with Chrissie to keep my power.

“It got to a point where I was threatening his family and even him to keep a sock in it. I said and did some horrible things to him, blinded by this obsession with success. Eventually, he finally told her, she set fire to my car, which caused a helicopter to crash into the village hall, where a wedding party was taking place. Aaron was there. I comforted Chrissie afterwards, but I couldn’t help but hope and pray that he was okay. I loved him so much…

“Chrissie kicked me out and handed herself in…I had nowhere to go…I couldn’t go to Aaron, I didn’t have that much cheek…but soon my brother found out about Katie. I had lost everything, and now the police were onto me. Me and Aaron spoke a couple of times…I could feel he wanted things to go back to how they were before he told Chrissie, when things were more carefree…but there was so much water under the bridge…we couldn’t have done anything then…

“I told the coppers that I had blackmailed Aaron into not telling them about my part in Katie’s death before, so he got off. But he testified in support of me, and I told the police the whole truth, so they gave me a lenient sentence. Still, it was two and a half years in jail in Nottingham…”, Robert shuddered again as he remembered the cold dark cell, the lack of visitors, the constant desire to see Aaron and make things better gnawing at his inner goodness, bruised and battered by his crimes. “And then I got let out, no one to pick me up. So I got a job here…tried to put the past behind me. But I couldn’t. It was there every time I wanted to make a friend, even talk to someone. Knowing what I had done, many people wouldn’t forgive me. I guessed it would be the same with you guys…I was so scared that you’d reject me, and I couldn’t lie my way out of it without sounding totally ridiculous…so I copped out of the date.

“I was so fucking angry and upset…so I drank. Sent you and Aaron a few voicemails…you both came. No offence, I really like you and I really wanna get to know you, but I’m still absolutely in love with Aaron. I wish he had stayed so much, I have so much I need to say to him. Not that he has to listen to me…he has every right to cut me out of his life if he wants. I just want that chance so badly, even though I know I don’t deserve it. So I accepted my punishment, to accept mediocrity and hide away. I felt like I was doing the world a favour, and I would have kept doing it all my life if no one stopped me. And then you came tonight…and that was that…”

Robert huffed a huge sigh of relief as he finished his monologue, grateful for Owen’s touch as the latter put his arms around Robert. Robert sobbed softly as he melted sweetly into Owen’s blue knitted jumper, the soft material soothing his aching head as he sniffled and sobbed down himself. Owen stroked Robert’s hair slightly, as if Robert were a baby he was trying to lull to sleep, and Robert felt secure, safe, cared about. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, Robert settling into the silence. Part of him wanted to kiss Owen, but he knew that he couldn’t take any more rejection, and Owen would sure rebuff him after he admitted the depths of his feelings for Aaron. His mind still reeled from the revelation of Owen having girlfriends in the past, and being open about his bisexuality. He envied and respected his acceptance of this in equal measure, but it made Robert want to resolve to accept his own feelings, his own desires. He knew what he wanted, and he didn’t have to give it a label. He just had to accept it.

After a while longer laid like that on the sofa, Robert yawned as he sat back up in the seat, his back aching slightly.

“So…are we friends?” Owen asked, slightly nervously.

Robert nodded curtly, his half-smile betraying his deep gratitude for Owen’s persistence. “I’m quite tired though…I might head off to bed in a few minutes”.

“Okay”, Owen replied, getting up. “Did you want me to stay, just to make sure that you’re alright?”

“No, you won’t have to”, Robert answered him, Owen's face falling slightly in disappointment. “But…you can come and visit tomorrow if you want? It'd be nice to have the company?”

“Consider it done”, Owen grinned, looking happy to have finally gotten through to Robert. “Sleep well, Robert, we’ll talk more tomorrow if you want?”

Robert nodded as they headed towards the door, Owen giving another small hug before leaving. Closing the door behind him, a swirl of emotions circled him. He was scared now that his secret was out…but he could taste something far better…freedom.

* * *

 

Owen had come round later that day, making sure that Robert wouldn’t cut himself off anymore, that he’d let the outside world back into his life. They had plugged back in the Internet, the television, the phone – the latter buzzing with life as two-month old messages from Owen and Alice came flooding through the answer machine, making Robert feel slightly guilty.

They had spent the rest of the day talking and watching telly, getting in a pizza. The concept felt frightfully foreign to Robert after such a long time having to rely on his own company. But the feelings felt much more real than anything his inner voice had been telling him. It was tangible, he could reach out and touch it. Sometimes, he felt Owen was doing this out of pity, but at least someone was noticing him.

Owen suggested that he took a few days off of work, to try and patch his life back up, get his mind into a more rational gear. Robert asked him whether it was good that he continue to withdraw from the rest of the world, but Owen assured him that he and Alice would check up on him and keep him company when he needed it. Owen had told Alice some of the bare details, but had left out the part about prison, which Robert filled her in on when she had come round to visit a bit later. No more secrets. Only the future mattered.

Monday, Robert called work to say he was ill, and took the day off. Robert had told Owen about his desire to keep running to escape the past, so Owen suggested that Robert took up running to train his brain to focus on what he wanted to and ignore what wasn’t important. At the weekend, Alice and Owen went with him to go and buy some trainers and some gym clothes, and now Robert was suited and booted as he warmed up by the steps leading to the street below.

Taking it easy he jogged lightly around the estate, drizzle falling lightly, cooling him as he stretched himself to run further and further without stopping. The surroundings were drowned out by Robert’s intense desire to just run. When he reflected on it, he could see why Aaron had done it to block out his guilt about Katie’s death, feeling another pang of guilt himself as Robert knew he had pushed the man he loved so much to such drastic measures. But this time, Robert wasn’t running to punish himself – this time, it was to heal.

He certainly had felt the benefits; he felt more awake and alert than he had in the last two months, and he was getting up earlier to run, the morning light rising dully over Leeds as the world woke up around him. He found it easier to focus at that time, when there was less around to distract him. It was just him and the road. His mind narrowed under his willpower, putting walls around anything that wasn’t the road ahead. This was his time to relax, to ignore, to be Robert. His time.

Although their company was well received and he was grateful for their presence and guidance, Robert had started to become somewhat uncomfortable with their moddycoddling. He could see it in their eyes when they come over each night to check on him, to make sure he was alright, that he was eating properly, that he wasn’t harming himself. He could see their worry as soon as he said anything about his state of mind, like he was a china doll on a table edge, ready to smash at any moment. He enjoyed hanging out with them; indeed, he had found that they had much more in common than he had first thought. They all liked watching films and had an interest in music, and he and Alice both liked vintage cars. He and Owen could talk about the comic books they both used to read in their youth (and secretly as adults…). But he knew that they were unsure about leaving him on his own for too long, even though he didn’t have the heart to tell them to leave him alone sometimes.

By Saturday, he was all friend-ed out. He needed time on his own, desperately. He felt like he could handle the day by himself; he had some fresh food in the fridge, he had gone for his daily run. He was going to spend the day relaxing with a newspaper and some good music – he had found music to be a good way of tuning out of himself, letting the beats and the notes wash over him, cleansing him.

The doorbell rang, interrupting Robert from his thoughts as he worried how he would try and get them to go away. He needed this day off. He needed some time alone. Turning down the television, he stood still, out of the way of the front door. The doorbell rang again, accompanied by a knock this time. Robert’s breath was caught in his throat, just wishing that those two would give up for one day. The knocking came again, louder this time. A voice accompanied it. Robert almost choked upon hearing it.

“Robert, it’s Aaron. Fucking open the door. I didn’t come all this way for this. Open up”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading - as ever, kudos and especially feedback in the comments is always very much welcomed. Thanks again, hope to update soon!


	6. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert talk through the past. Robert rejoins the outside world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so many comments! Thanks everyone for your kind words! It's comments that most make me want to write and improve, so if you can, please take the time to tell me what you thought! I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> MINOR TRIGGER WARNINGS

Still not quite believing his ears, Robert moved quickly to the door, not wanting to let Aaron waiting for a moment longer. Still, he was apprehensive to open the door; what if Aaron was going to reject him again? What if he was just here to tell him to leave him alone for good? What if this was it, the last he’d ever see him?

“Robert, you’re really start to piss me off now”, Aaron growled from the other side of the door.

“Oi, it’s a fucking Saturday morning, ya little prick, shut the fuck up!” came a cry from the other end of the corridor of flats as Robert was scrambling to find the right key to open the door.

“Yeah, ya can piss off an’ all, mate, before I shove that fag so far up your arse you’ll still be shitting ash next week!” Aaron spat back. “Open the fucking – “

Robert opened the door as Aaron was in mid shout, the words getting visibly stuck in Aaron’s throat as they laid eyes on each other for the first time since the hospital. Aaron was wearing a black waterproof jacket Robert didn’t recognise, but the hoodie, black jeans, and trainers were a welcome sight for Robert’s sore eyes. Robert wanted to hold him tightly there and then, never let go, let Aaron know how sorry he was and how much he adored him and would never let him down again. But instead, he stayed rooted to the spot, looking on in shock at the fact that Aaron even came at all.

“Are you gonna actually let me in or leave me to get pummelled by your arsey neighbours?” Aaron grumbled, hands in pockets, not quite able to give Robert eye contact despite his more confident posture and air around him.

“Y-yeah, sure, please, come in”, Robert motioned inwards, Aaron pausing slightly as he crossed the threshold into Robert’s flat, not stopping to remove his coat or shoes like Owen had the week before. Robert didn’t mind. Aaron was here. He was actually here. He had come to visit. A whirlwind of questions swirled around Robert’s head, making him feel dizzy as he struggled to pin down the most important one he wanted to ask. Leaning against the worktop to balance himself, he looked to Aaron, who was stood by the wall, looking as if he was struggling to come up with anything to say.

“What…what are you doing here?” Robert asked tentatively, hoping to God that it wasn’t bad news.

“I…I don’t know, really”, Aaron mumbled, doing his best not to show his discomfort, but poorly hiding it as he fidgeted with his pockets. He shrugged his shoulders as he said it, but Robert could see the distrust in his expression, the fear, the regrets, the troubles. “I thought I could get you out of my head…I thought I got you out of my life…but the messages…the thoughts…you in the hospital…I couldn’t do it”.

Robert looked on, still in shock from his presence. “Do you wanna sit down or something? A cuppa?”

“Not really”, Aaron shrugged again.

“Then what do you wanna know?” Robert asked, slight impatience lacing his voice. “Cos I’m not gonna stand here and be rejected by you again, I can’t take it anymore”.

“Oh, I don’t have to take lecturing from you, the master of fucking rejections”, Aaron spat again and marched over to the door to leave, looking behind him unsurely as he went.

“Please, Aaron, don’t do this, I’m sorry”, Robert begged as Aaron touched the door handle to leave. “You came all this way…please, can we just talk?” Robert watched as Aaron mulled over the request in his head, not turning to face Robert as he did. Eventually, after what seemed like an age, he turned on his heel and walked slowly back into the living area where Robert had sat down on the settee, his worried and confused gaze fixed in Aaron’s direction.

“Right, I’m here”, Aaron shrugged as he leant against the worktop, arms crossed anxiously.

“Right…” Robert started as he tried to think of questions that wouldn’t send Aaron marching back out of the door and his life again. “How…how have you been?”

“Not bad”, Aaron replied curtly. “Business has been going well, earning a decent wage now. Still living at the Woolpack with me mum, but hopefully I’ll be out of there soon. Been looking at a few places”.

“How is Diane? And Vic? And Andy?” Robert asked tentatively, each name drop bringing fresh waves of pain as he realised another person he cared about had written him out of his life for good.

“Diane’s struggling. She wondered when you were gonna come back home. She’d marked the date on her calendar an’ everything. Of course, you never did, like the fucking coward you are. She found it so hard to visit you, to separate who you are and what you did. She wasn’t the only one…”

Robert shuffled where he sat uncomfortably, feeling Aaron’s discomfort in waves from across the room. “And Vic?”

“She’s good, she’s settled into married life. Her and Adam have moved in together, she’s expecting in March”, Aaron squinted as he knew he had said too much.

“I’m…I’m gonna be an uncle?” Robert whispered. _An uncle?! Who on earth would want a murderer for an uncle? You should be glad you’re never gonna meet them._

“Yeah”, Aaron scratched his nose in awkwardness. “She’s found it difficult with you too. We were all struggling with it. They all wanted you to come home, to come and face what you did properly. But we all had the niggling feeling that you wouldn’t”.

“We?” Robert asked, hope fluttering in his chest. “Are you including yourself in that?”

“They listen to me”, Aaron said matter-of-factly. “I know what it was like to spend that time with you, so I have some insight apparently”.

“Oh”, Robert’s shoulders sagged in disappointment. Silence fell over the two ex-lovers, the gulf of recent history yawning between them, making each other unreachable, hidden by high waves of pride and guilt, anxiously chopping violently in Robert’s mind.

“If that’s it…” Aaron turned to leave again, clearly wanting to leave the situation as quickly as possible.

“Why did you come to my sentencing?” Robert blurted out before he could stop himself. “Why did you visit me in hospital, but not in prison? It’s not like you liked hospitals more…I know how much they affect you…”

Aaron stopped again in his tracks, but again did not turn to face Robert. He inhaled sharply, and Robert knew he was struggling to fight back tears. Eventually, after an agonising silence, Aaron replied, “Do you know how fucking conflicted I felt when you were in court? How much I knew I needed you to get out of my life, but still wanted you to stay? I hoped to fucking God that you wouldn’t get sent down, that they’d give you a suspended sentence or something. I never wanted you to go down. I felt sick every time I thought about you in a cell. And that’s why I couldn’t visit you. Because every time you sent me a visiting order, you just made me stay in the same place in my life, stuck between my head and my heart.

“So eventually, I chose my head. I ignored you, I bought you out the business as soon as I could afford to. I met some guys. I almost moved in with one of them, we got serious. But every time we passed a relationship milestone or shit, I’d think about what we did. About what we were doing when we passed a milestone. Even though we never had a fucking relationship in the first place.  Our first kiss. First night we slept together. First time we did the domestic thing. I kept comparing them to you. So then I just decided to give up, because nothing was gonna replace you. That’s how much you’ve shat on me…you ended up being the fucking love of my life. I mean, I’ve moved on, I feel a bit better about myself, I’ve forgiven myself for Katie. I’ve focussed on myself, because I fucking needed it. But still, I can’t shake you. Why can’t I shake you?” Aaron put his hand to his face as he wiped the tears from his eyes, before turning around to face Robert again. “I don’t want to care this much about you…but I do, and it makes me sick. I want to hate you with my head…but my heart wins every time”.

Robert ran cold as stone as he heard Aaron’s explanation, damning in the extent that Robert had managed to ruin his life. “I’m…I’m so sorry, Aaron”. He went to open his mouth to say more, but nothing came out. His excuses meant nothing. Even when he removed himself from his life, he still managed to poison it.

“It’s my own stupid fault”, Aaron mumbled, looking to the floor. “I could’ve ended it. Maybe I should’ve ended it. But I didn’t. The damage has already been done, I’m just living with it now. When I got your drunk voicemails…I tried so hard to block them out of my mind, block them out of my life…but I heard you were in trouble from you choking…and I felt this rush of worry and care…and before I knew what I was doing, I was driving to fucking Leeds at one in the morning to come and see how the guy who almost shoots me dead for loving him is doing after going on a bad fucking bender. I’m such a prick”.

“You’re not, Aaron, I promise you”, Robert reassured him, wanting to take his hand like Owen had taken his, but didn’t want to spook Aaron back out of the door. “You were just drowned by my stupidity, my selfishness. You were collateral damage to my greed…I’m so sorry. I’m so glad that I’ve met you, but I wish you hadn’t so you could’ve avoided all this shit you’ve had to deal with”.

Aaron just dipped his head, well aware of what had happened. There was another long silence, each second drawing the agony out from Robert’s chest as to whether Aaron could up and leave at any moment. God, he wanted him to stay so badly. Suddenly, out of the blue, Aaron asked, “You survived prison, then?” flashes of concern sparking across the stormy emotions of Aaron’s beautifully deep eyes.

“Barely”, Robert muttered, the coldness and loneliness of his time in jail surrounding his thoughts as he felt the chill on his arms, goose pimples lining his arms as he cast his mind back. “It was a struggle to keep myself sane. I didn’t let myself get close to anyone, I used to avoid mealtimes…sometimes I’d get beat up if I didn’t do whatever chief honcho on G Wing wanted that particular day”, Aaron’s face flashed with pain and worry for a nanosecond before regaining his composure. “It turned out the Sudgen charm didn’t work on prison ringleaders so much…” Robert laughed humourlessly, the pain still etched in the scars on his arms from endless mobbings, beatings. “I tried to reach out…but when you never responded to any of my visiting orders, I knew you had moved on. When I got out, I thought I had accepted that you’d never be a part of my life again…but I just couldn’t help myself. You’re always going to be there, whether or not this is the last time I ever see you”.

Aaron took a seat for the first time as he put his face in his hand, shaking slightly with the weight of decision and better judgement. “I don’t know what to do”, he croaked in confession. “I know that I risk sending myself back to where I was…but my life isn’t complete without you there somehow. And I’m not running away again, I’m staying where I am, in the village, where I belong”.

Robert hesitated, “…if you want me to leave you alone, to promise never to contact you again…I will”, tears started forming in his ducts again, stinging his cheeks as they slid down, leaving red streaks in their wake as he tried to rub them away. “But I want to prove that I can be who you need me to be. I can, I know it. I want you to be able to rely on me, just as I rely on you”.

“The last time I relied on you, you broke my heart and threatened my family”, Aaron chuckled emotionlessly. “How on earth am I supposed to believe you’ll change for me?”

“Because…because I’m ill, Aaron”, Robert whispered.

“You look well enough to me”, Aaron grimaced suspiciously.

“Not physically…this whole ordeal…from the moment I fell for you, it’s fucked me up”, Robert shook as he relived his mental pain out loud. “I’ve spent the last two months after the hospital without human contact apart from work. I cut off all the people from work. I unplugged the phone, the internet, the telly. I’d just sit in silence and go to bed, there no noise. I was determined to punish myself for my crimes, like going to prison was nowhere near enough. The inner critical voice has just been getting louder and louder and louder until it just blasts through my ear drums. It won’t shut up, it won’t leave me alone…it haunts me…Aaron, I’m so ill…”Aaron looked on wide-eyed, mouth agape as he took in Robert’s gaunt expression, the delirium and the desperation plainly evident as his gaze poured into Aaron’s, pouring into Aaron’s soul.

“I don’t know what to say”, Aaron mumbled. “Tell me what you want me to do”.

“Just…I can’t, Aaron”, Robert moaned, knowing he had to put Aaron before him. It was the least he deserved. “This has to be your decision…I’m through with telling you what to do. That’ll just make things worse”.

Aaron got back up, and walked slowly over to the window over the city, a shaky sigh escaping his lips as he leant on the window sill. “Robert…we can’t just go back to the way we were…too much time has passed…”

“I don’t expect you to”, Robert whispered, just audible enough for Aaron to hear from the other side of the room.

“We have to start from scratch…”, Aaron turned around slowly, his own teary face finally revealing itself, striking Robert like hot metal, wanting nothing more but to make him better, to make all the pain go away. But when he was the cause of the pain, there was nothing he could do to alleviate it. “We have to regain some trust again…because I don’t know what to think of you at the moment. You caused so much pain and doubt and low-esteem…but I can’t help but want to make you feel better, to comfort ya, to be there for ya”.  

“Just knowing that this won’t be the last time I see you and that we can salvage something makes me feel better…” Robert whispered, feeling sick with guilt at how he was still emotionally blackmailing Aaron even now, even though that was the last thing he wanted to do. “That doesn’t mean that you have to, I’ll understand if that’s too much for you”.

Aaron moved slowly towards Robert and the settee, placing himself carefully upon as he considered what next to say. To Robert, his expression was a clear sketch of years of suppressed love, hate, denial, anger, and sadness in one gaunt portrait. And yet, despite this outward anguish, Robert still thought it was the most beautiful face he had ever seen. Aaron flashed his gaze back up to Robert’s, this time more intense, making Robert pay more attention.

“Robert, if I let you back into my life, we have to become friends first”, Aaron began. “You need to let me set the pace. I want to help you, I want to trust you again. But I can’t pretend that that isn’t going to be fucking difficult, and you can’t have any expectations of me. But…I’m gonna be here for ya. I can see how ill you are…you’re nothing like I remember you being. The arrogant cheek is still there a bit, but the self-assurance isn’t. You’re just a shell. It’s like you’re a lost little boy…and it makes me feel shit for ya. So…yeah”, Aaron looked back down to his hands, not sure what else to say. Robert, on the other hand, didn’t move, daren’t move. He felt a simultaneous surge of warmth and coldness; warmth where Aaron’s support made him feel less alone, looked after in a way that none of his other friends could, but coldness where he felt so guilty for having it in the first place. He knew he had no say as to whether or Aaron stayed. It was that warmth that was reminding him that he _had_ chosen to stay, to battle it out with Robert. Aaron’s loyalty had almost moved him to tears.

“Thanks”, Robert murmured sincerely, a slight smile creeping cautiously to the corners of his mouth. “You don’t know how much hope you’ve given me, Aaron. I owe you, forever”.

“Well”, Aaron squirmed in his seat, blushing under the responsibility of so much of someone else’s emotions, “Just don’t let me down. Let me set the pace, and we’ll see where we go from there”.

Robert finally got up slowly, his throat dry from the tension and the tears. “Are you sure you don’t wanna stay for a cuppa?”

“I…I can’t, sorry”, Aaron mumbled apologetically. “I promised I’d help Adam with some of the accounts…and I need some time to process this in my head”.

“That’s okay”, Robert smiled back sadly. “I was kinda hoping Owen and Alice wouldn’t come today…I’ve been smothered since the intervention…”

Aaron flashed a knowing smile, Robert reading the experiences in Aaron’s mind after countless close shaves with his own fucked up head and the constant babying that Chas always gave him after he gets found out. “I’m…I’m gonna go now, Robert”, he murmured as he started towards the door – Robert was sure he had heard an element of reluctance in his voice. “You keep getting better, yeah?” Aaron turned to look at Robert, worry and confusion written in his tight expression.

“Yeah, sure”, Robert smiled weakly back as he followed him towards the door. “Aaron?” he called, causing Aaron to turn around and look him in the eye, Robert’s breath catching as he did so. “…thanks…I won’t let you down”.

Aaron nodded curtly and thought for a moment. Slowly, he moved his hand, outstretching it hesitantly as though Robert’s touch might burn him. Robert held out his hand back, and slowly they took each other’s in a quick shake. Robert’s mind went into overdrive, the softness of Aaron’s palm causing his heartbeat to shoot from his chest, his breath struggling to catch up with the blood and adrenaline pulsating around his body. But, despite his hypersensitivity, he felt calm. He felt at home. Aaron had come to save him. He wasn’t dreaming. Aaron still cared. And for that, Robert was eternally grateful.

“Friends?” Aaron mumbled with a half-smile.

“Friends”.

* * *

 

Robert returned to work on Monday more determined than ever to vanquish his depressed conscience to a painful death. The effects of Aaron’s visit had lasted well after he had left on Saturday morning; Robert had had his best night’s sleep in months that night, after being able to scroll happily through the pictures and memories of him and Aaron on his phone for the first time in years. On Sunday morning, he found he could run an extra half a mile than he had done before, doing another lap of the block around the off-licence before he finally ran out of puff, Aaron’s confidence in him giving him the extra energy to push further.

Owen and Alice had come round that night to see how his weekend was, Robert filling them in on Aaron’s visit. Alice had looked shocked and pleased and was quick to offer her congratulations, but Owen had seemed a little more distant, always caught in his thoughts rather than plugging properly into the conversation.

By the time Monday had rolled around, Robert had woken with a fixed determination to banish his demons once and for all. He had a bite for breakfast, went for a run, and after a quick shower and a change of clothes, he felt ready for the day. Picking up a packet of apology doughnuts from Tesco on the way, he took a big breath as he drove his Fiat to work. He even greeted the receptionist as he walked semi-confidently through the revolving door and past the welcome desk, the receptionist’s mouth dropping in shock as he walked past.

“Good morning, Janet”, he beamed as he walked past her on his way to his desk.

“Oh, you’ve decided we’re good enough to talk to, now?” she retorted justifiably, not looking up from her desk as she logged in.

“I know…” Robert grimaced, not blaming her for her hostility. “I was going through a shitty time…but that’s no excuse for my rudeness. I’m sorry. I want to do my best to fit in a bit better round here…”

“Not gonna bite my head off?” she swivelled in her seat to look at him, raising her eyebrows in suspicion.

“Nope”, Robert shook his head, feeling her mistrust in her expression. “I’m gonna fit in…I promise you”. He reached into his satchel and pulled out the packet of doughnuts, opening it and holding it out to Janet. “Apology doughnut?”

Janet looked down to the open packet and pouted. “…strawberry jam?” she asked slowly.

“Of-of course”, Robert replied, confused.

“…welcome back, Robert”, she gave a half-smile as she pulled a doughnut from the bag. “Thanks”.

“Thanks, Janet”, Robert smiled back. “See you at lunch”. Janet waved her hand as he moved off to his desk further at the back.

“Eyyy, you’re back!” beamed Alice as she walked through the maze of cubicles and desk. “How are you feeling?”

“A little bit better, thanks”, Robert replied, offering her a doughnut as she arrived at his desk.

“The rest of them aren’t giving you trouble, are they?” a rare look of seriousness hit her face as she went to sit at her desk, her voice lowering in volume as she asked.

“Would you blame them if they were?” Robert grimaced, happy that Janet’s reaction had been relatively tame.

“I guess not…but they better hadn’t”, Alice gave a tight smile as she logged in, a bigger smile creeping on her face as she had an idea. “Hey, everyone!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. “Robert Sudgen has apology doughnuts!”

One mob of hungry workers later, Robert had won his friends back.

* * *

 

“Go easy on me, mate”, Owen laughed nervously as he did the shoelaces on his running shoes up on a park bench. “It’s been a while since I’ve broken a sweat”.

“Well, it sounds like it’s time to change that”, Robert smirked mischievously as he set off, leaving Owen to shout after him as he struggled to catch up around the paths of the local park.

“Fucker”, Owen spat playfully, pushing him slightly as they jogged by the water’s edge. “So…did you sort out things with Aaron then?”

Robert slowed down slightly as he thought about what to say, but kept his eyes on the path ahead. “Yeah…well, things are gonna be slow between us…but I’m so glad I got the chance to talk to him again, I can’t believe he even came to see me at all”.

Owen only managed a grunt of acknowledgement as they moved out of the way of a mother with a buggy, the air between them slightly awkward for reasons Robert couldn’t put his finger on.

“You’re alright with that…aren’t you?” Robert asked, looking round to gauge his facial expression as he asked.

Owen pouted in thought, and replied, “Of course, Robert. You’re a mate…you two have a lot of history. I’m not gonna get involved with all of that”.

“Thanks, Owen”, Robert flashed a smile back at him as he avoided an old woman with her dog. “I know we were gonna do the whole getting to know each other thing…I’m sorry if I strung you along a bit”.

“It doesn’t matter, Robert”, Owen insisted, even if Robert wouldn’t quite believe that from the lines on his face. “Honestly, I’m just glad we’re mates”.

Robert didn’t reply, not wanting to risk saying something he didn’t mean just to make Owen feel better.

“So…are you seeing him again soon?” Owen asked, panting.

“Erm, not sure, I think we’re gonna meet up at the weekend”, Robert answered hopefully. “But Aaron’s a stubborn wanker, so it might take a while before he feels like he trusts me enough to hang out together”.

“He sounded like it on the phone”, Owen agreed, out of breath.

“Oi, only I can make bastard remarks about Aaron”, Robert warned playfully before what Owen said had fully registered with him. He stopped sharply, leaving Owen to run limply for a couple more seconds before he noticed he was on his own. “You’ve spoken to him on the phone?”

Owen put his hand to his face as he tried to catch his breath, before weakly nodding.

“When the fuck did that happen?” Robert asked, an edge to his voice.

“I…I…I asked him to come and see you”, he admitted. “It took some convincing, but you told me how much you loved him, how much you needed to talk to him. And I knew you definitely wouldn’t do anything about it, so I rung him. He didn’t want to know initially…I even offered him a year’s free car insurance. Eventually I managed to get him to reconsider. I’m sorry if I’ve butted in”.

The revelation had stung and soothed Robert in equal measure. It saddened him that Aaron hadn’t come of his own accord, that he had to be forced to come to come at all. But a flicker of affection burned for Owen, despite the fact he had felt uneasy about Owen’s meddling with him and Aaron. It was then that he realised that Owen had more feelings for Robert than he had let on before, so it made Robert feel humbled that someone would sacrifice their own feelings for his own happiness.

“You didn’t have to do that”, he smiled softly, putting a hand on Owen’s shoulder. “But thanks”.

“No problem”, Owen grimaced, accepting Robert’s arm as he went to give him a brotherly hug.

“Will you be alright?” Robert asked, hoping that their friendship wouldn’t end there. “Y’know…with us…and before?”

“Of course”, Owen smiled sadly. “Like I said…I’m just glad we’re friends again”. Robert smiled back, wishing he could give Owen what he wanted. They were silent for a moment as they searched for the right thing to say, before Owen took off, shouting behind him, “Come on then, Sudgen, if you think you’re hard enough!”

“Wanker!” Robert called, as he chased him, still humbled at Owen’s sacrifice.  _I can do this - for Aaron and for me._ _  
_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are - thanks for reading. Kudos and especially comments well appreciated and loved! I try to reply when I have the time, but that does cut into next chapter writing time...? ;) Even if I don't reply, your support is welcomed so much! :) Until next time :)


	7. Opportunities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert tries to find himself and his missing confidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked the previous chapter. I'm not so hot on this chapter, I find it a bit too much like filler, and I don't like just writing bits for the sake of it. I hope you have a better opinion on it than I do, but I'll understand if you agree! I kinda wanna flesh out the other main characters in Robert's life and show their importance in helping Robert find himself, but I do love writing Robert and Aaron, so it gets a bit tricky. :P I may come back and edit this chapter at a later date, but who knows? Enjoy this chapter!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Explicit panic attack and possibly incorrect French <3

“Therefore, in typical AutoRepairs cheesy style, I’d like to propose a toast to welcome Robert back to us skanky lot”, Owen smirked at an uncharacteristically shy Robert as he raised his pint glass. Robert had joined the group at the Friday pub session for the first time since he had returned out of hiding. It taken five consecutive days of a diverse range of apology confectionery, but it felt like Robert had finally managed to work his way back into his friends’ good books.

By the time they had reached Friday, they were treating him like they had been friends for a lot longer. Every time Robert thought about it, the more he started to feel like the wounds of loneliness, the loss of his family, the loss of Aaron, they were starting to heal over. He had found a new family in Leeds, people who had accepted his grave errors in judgement and had allowed him to move onto the future. Aaron was tentatively making a presence in his life, although Robert didn’t know how permanent that would be or how long it might take to develop. And of course he missed his own family, with a desperation that made him want to sell his soul to get them back to him. But right now…it would do. Robert made a small smile to himself, doing his best to live in the moment, with the affection of his new friends around him.

“To Robert!” they all cheered, with Alice starting a chant of ‘speech, speech’, the rest joining in.

Robert dipped his head as he stood, clocking that they were jokingly serious. He felt a surge of the old, confident, showman Robert returning, the one that could charm any client thrown at him, turn a room into putty into his hand. Riding the crest of the adrenaline wave, he cleared his throat and started, “Well, ladies and gentlemen of AutoRepairs Leeds, I’m naturally humbled to be in your presence…so I’ll keep it brief…in fact, I only really have one thing to say in the face of your affection and your friendship: mine’s a whiskey”, he winked at Owen as he rolled his eyes on his way to the bar and the rest groaned in jest.

“Just when I thought we were all going to get some proper compliments”, Alice joked as she sipped at her glass of white wine.

“Nah, you know how much I’m grateful to you guys for giving me a second chance”, Robert replied earnestly, his smile genuine as Janet piped up a ‘here, here’ that rippled around the table. “Thanks, you don’t know how much this means to me”.

“Get this boy a drink before I start tearing up!” Chris called to Owen at the bar as everyone else chuckled. Owen obliged, carrying over Robert’s whiskey and his own pint, Robert thanking him as he put it on the table.

By the time Robert had gotten onto his fourth drink, the party had well and truly kicked off. Janet and Chris were on their fourth darts match, but were now dangerously close to stabbing the stuck-up middle aged woman next to the oche, darts not even hitting the board now. Emily had gone outside for a smoke, letting the other three have a chat about where Robert was going to go from there.

“I…there are just so many things I want to try in my life but I never have the time to”, Robert grumbled as he swilled the ice around the bottom of his drink, trying to make them continue to swill round when he stopped moving. “Like…I’d love to be able to speak another language, but when am I gonna get the time to do that?”

Alice’s face lit up as an idea formed in her head, having to put her fourth glass of wine down as she contained her excitement. “Robert…Robert…you could, like, come and learn French with me…I’ve been thinking about starting it, but we could do it, like study buddies an’ shit!”

Robert was busy thinking of excuses in his head, but none came to him. Instead, the niggling memories of Aaron telling him about when he used to live in France came bubbling up to the surface. He wondered how much French Aaron could understand…he wanted to impress him, get him to say something back. Aaron would be so impressed! How could he pass up an opportunity for Aaron to want to fall in love with him again?

“G-go on, then”, Robert giggled shyly, as he took another sip of his drink as Alice squealed with tipsy excitement. “Whe-when is it?”

“Like…Tuesday. You better come, Aaron’s not coming round that day right?” Alice raised her eyebrows in suspicion.

“Nope”, that was another excuse out. In the past, Robert would have relished such spontaneity, the opportunity to do something completely on the fly. Indeed, he used to hate the boxed in, predictable nature of life in the village, where he could predict almost every conversation right down to the gossip between Betty and Edna. But now, after a spell in prison where normality and mundaneness was all that he craved, the courage to take the plunge into something completely new took all of Robert’s strength. It was, however, whiskey that won the battle with common sense, and Robert looked forward to wooing Aaron with his new found romantic skills, even if he had promised not to rush him.

“You’re still coming to the match next Wednesday?” Owen asked, considerably less tipsily with only his third pint in hand. _Shit._ Robert had forgotten about that too. Owen had asked him when he had had one eye on the video game and one eye on his phone, waiting for a text from Aaron. When Owen brought up, Robert mumbled his acquiescence and got back to playing the game. It was only when Owen was leaving and was saying how much he was looking forward to it that Robert had found out what he agreed to, his faint excuses inaudible as Owen left cheerily down the corridor. Honestly, Robert was dreading it; he hated being in situations in which he was completely ignorant to what was going on. And if someone had to pick the worst of those situations to stick Robert in, a live football match was high on the top ten. The fact he couldn’t explain the offside rule properly brought him almost to the point of shame. Normally he would just stay quiet and sup his drink if someone would talk about it with him, nodding and jeering at hopefully the right times. Now he had no escape. But he couldn’t back out now.

“Yeah, yeah…should be great”, he smiled faintly, not looking at him in the eyes. “Come on”, Robert heaved himself onto his feet, holding onto the table slightly to stabilise himself, “bet I can thrash you at that game of pool over there”.

“You sure?” Owen snorted with a smirk? “Not sure you can stand up, mate!”

“Fuck off, I’m fully in charge of my facilities”, Robert bit back with indignation. “Fiver says you can’t even beat a drunk man”.

“Some might call that exploitation, but you’re on”, Owen put his pint down and rubbed his hand, Alice rolling her eyes as she poured the rest of the bottle into her large glass.

* * *

“Are you sure everyone here’s a beginner?” Robert whispered nervously to Alice across the desk as people started to file through the classroom door, some clutching textbooks and dictionaries and spellcheckers and highlighter pens as they set up at their seats.

“Some of these people try a bit hard, bless ‘em”, Alice whispered back with a smirk. “It was the same when I did a GCSE History class last year. Some of them were normal, but you’d get this group at the back that literally came with the entire of WHSmith between them and got really snotty with everyone…none of them managed to get a C between them”, the pair sniggered before one of the eager ones turned around and gave them a foul look, hushing their giggling as they opened their exercise books.

It had been a long time since Robert had been in a classroom; he had never really got on with school, finding it boring when he knew he was capable of doing more than the teacher was teaching. In the end, he couldn’t be bothered to try, and preferred to make trouble at the back of the classroom than sit down and do their shitty work. As he got older, he found himself regretting his lack of effort, but had never had any ideas to get back into it. Now he was back, the anticipation had been an ordeal in itself. He’d jump every time Alice came to his desk, hoping that she wouldn’t ask about it or, even better, would tell him not to bother. _Serves you right for making promises when you get wankered._ But he was here; the thought of impressing Aaron with his skills had been the only motivation, even though he knew it would also help get his confidence back. Anything that would help him repair his relationship with Aaron was a good idea.

Alice and Robert had only just managed to contain their giggles about the overprepared guy in front when the pair fell into hushed hysterics. Their teacher had just come through the door, clearing dressed up as a walking stereotype for some bizarre Halloween party; she was wearing a black beret, her hair in a tight bun. Upon her tight frame was a loose fitting Breton-striped shirt with black leggings, and she wore high heels that clip-clopped precisely as she swung into the room and placed her bag on her desk.

By this point, Robert had turned bright red as he looked down to his desk, Alice giggling into her wrist as the teacher called for the class to begin, everyone else falling silent. Robert breathed deeply to try and regain some composure, slight embarrassment reddening his cheeks further as he felt the silent judgement of the rest class fall upon him. He straightened himself up and coughed to calm himself down, focussing on the front.

“ _Bonjour la classe”_ , the teacher began, the French smattered with a thick Birmingham accent, earning another choked snicker between Robert and Alice. _Concentrate, Sudgen!_ “ _Je suis Madame DuBois, et je suis votre professeur pendant ce semes-_ Do you mind telling the class what’s so funny?”

Robert’s embarrassment returned and he coughed once more, not looking up from the table as he mumbled, “Nothing, sorry”. As much as he didn’t really expect to make any friends, he felt self-conscious when everyone else was taking it seriously. He straightened himself and looked forward. _Not a good start, Sudgen_.

After the class had introduced itself, they quickly launched into repeating some basic phrases, Robert frustrated with himself as he struggled to remember which phrase was which, Alice seemingly having less trouble. He’d get flustered as he forgot which word meant ‘open’ and which one meant ‘close’, only seeming to get it a couple of seconds after everyone else. _You’re such a failure, Robert._ Shut up. _Why are you even here?_ Shut up. _You honestly think that Aaron’s gonna find you attractive mincing another language he probably speaks miles better than you ever will?_ **Shut up**.

But the voice didn’t shut up; it had really started to find its strength as he fell further behind the class. Alice was oblivious, but Robert was crumbling, his breathing growing more and more erratic, his hands shaking on the table. _Only five more minutes…_

 _“Alors, je voudrais pratiquer ce que nous avons appris ce soir”,_ Madame DuBois called as the class neared its end, Robert’s eye fixed on the clock as it ticked closer and closer to nine o’clock. “ _Qui voudrait commencer?”_ No one dared to speak as Madame DuBois’s gaze pored across the room. “How about you, the blond one in the burgundy jumper?”

Robert froze, not moving his head as he heard his description. _This is it…prepare to humiliate yourself_. He moved to look at the teacher, who was looking in an expectant manner.

“Yes, you”, she raised her eyebrows as they made eye contact, making Robert squirm under the pressure. “Ready?”

“Erm…” Robert croaked, the pressure of the teacher and everyone around him piled onto him, feeling light-headed as the myriad of worst-case scenarios came flooding to him.

“ _Bonjour”_ , Madame DuBois started, not waiting for Robert to prepare himself.

“ _Bonjour”_ , he mumbled back.

“ _Comment allez-vous?”_

_“Ça va bien, et vous?”_

_“Ça va bien aussi, merci. Et comment vous appelez-vous?”_

_“Je m’appelle Robert, et vous?”_

_“Je m’appelle Madame DuBois. Merci, au revoir!”_

_“Au revoir”_

Robert’s breath was caught in his throat as he willed for it to be over, his throat dried out from the pressure.

“ _Très bien, Robert”,_ Madame DuBois smiled curtly, before moving on. _Barely scraped through that, Sudgen_ , said the voice reluctantly as the bell went to signal the end of the class. Robert ignored it, the adrenaline still pumping around his veins wildly. However, he could taste success…praise… it felt good. Robert had hardly ever been praised for something he had done well in off his own back before. That was all his own effort. He could do things, he could prove it.

“Oh my God, Robert”, Alice was still mouth agape as they walked back to the car.  “You did so well!”

“It was only a few sentences”, Robert mumbled, but secretly pride flickered weakly in his chest, hiding a small smile as they reached his battered Punto. He could be confident. He could be spontaneous. He just had to keep trying, even if only to woo Aaron. “But I’ll be back next week”.

* * *

 _Fucking spot!_ Robert had rubbed the same mark on the sofa for the fifth time now. He scrubbed the spot with a dishcloth with a passion reserved for the arrival of one person in particular: Aaron was coming over. He had hoovered three times, even under the rugs; he had washed up every single plate, glass, and spoon; he had dusted all of the sides, cleaned the windows, and washed all of the sheets. Everything had to be perfect.

After the French lesson, Robert had spent the rest of the week panicking about Aaron’s impending visit on Friday. Every lunch time, he would dissect every possible scenario in his head, Alice and Janet clucking in all the right places just to keep Robert reasonably sane. Aaron had come around before a couple of times after they had made their tense peace, but this time Aaron was staying over for the night on Robert’s sofa. Every time he thought about the fact Aaron was staying, he would worry that he might make an overtly sexual remark that would ruin the whole thing, or that he would be too uncomfortable with Aaron sleeping over for the whole thing to be friendly. He hoped that everything would go as planned, and meticulously organised everything down to a tee as soon as Aaron had texted his agreement to come.

Finally giving up on the spot after the seventh attempt, he rushed over to check that he had gotten the beer he know Aaron liked: check. Did he have the games he knew Aaron liked? He rushed over to the cabinet where he had managed to borrow a couple off of Owen. Check. He checked his watch again, the second hand clicking stubbornly slow as he waited for Aaron to arrive.

The second hand ticked past the twelve as it hit nine o’clock exactly.

_He’s supposed to be here by now._

Five seconds past…

_Where is he?_

Ten seconds past…

_He’s not gonna show up, is he…?_

A minute past…

_You knew it was too good to be true, Robert. It wasn’t going to last_

By the time it had reached ten minutes past, Robert heaved a big sigh as he admitted defeat. Aaron wasn’t going to come. Slowly, he got up, subdued, picked up the pizza menus and put them back into the cupboard. He went around the room, turning off the games console and shutting the curtains. Not wasting time to think, he quickly locked the front door, switched the light off in the kitchen-cum-lounge, changed into a pyjama top and bottoms, flopped down onto his bed, and turned the light off.

He willed himself not to cry. He wouldn’t cry. He had to accept Aaron’s decision. But it didn’t stop tears running silently down his cheeks onto his pillow, making little pools where his skin hit the soft fabric. He wanted sleep to come and take him like a wave, he prayed that he would lose consciousness, anything to prevent him in drowning in grief. He felt the sheets rub uncomfortably against his skin, like sandpaper scraping against him as he kept tossing and turning.

The darkness of the room started suffocating him, getting closer and closer to his neck as he tried to move away, stop it from taking him. It wasn’t the same as the darkness he wanted to wash over him to sleep; this darkness was uncomfortable, it chafed against him, it taunted his consciousness. He could feel his breathing getting tighter and tighter, his heart beating harder and harder, his head getting lighter and lighter. The darkness lapped at his throat. He closed its eyes as its black gloves touched him, lightly but menacingly, and then put its hand slowly around his neck, one silky finger at a time. Tighter…tighter…tighter…tighter…

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Robert gasped for air, choking slightly as he shot up in bed, sweat dripping liberally from his forehead.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

Robert got slowly to his feet, knocking over the bedside lamp as he struggled to regain his balance. Holding onto the bookshelf, he moved carefully along to the door and opened it, shaking as he tried to control his breathing.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Alright!” Robert tried to shout, but no sound came out apart from another choking fit. He stumbled across the pitch black corridor to the front door, scrambling around for the keys as he turned the handle.

“Robert, I’m so sorry I’m – wait…what’s happened?” Aaron put out his hand as he clocked Robert struggling to breathe in the dark. “Why are the lights off?  Robert?”

“I thought you weren’t coming”, Robert coughed dully as he let Aaron in, the younger man turning the light in the main living area and putting his overnight bag on the worktop.

“You didn’t pick up my calls and texts”, Aaron grumbled. “I got stuck on the dual carriageway, there was an accident, and then parking for the night was a bastard. Sorry…did I wake you up?”

“No, no, no”, Robert shook his head weakly, grabbing a glass to get some much needed water. “I couldn’t sleep if I tried”. He coughed again, dropping his glass in the sink.

“Come on, let me do that, sit down”, Aaron shooed him away, leading Robert to the settee as he poured them a drink. “Robert…what happened…?”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it”, Robert croaked, lapping at the water hungrily as Aaron handed him the glass. “It’s fine”

“It’s not fine, something’s happened, I wanna know what it is”, Aaron pushed as he sat next to him on the sofa. He thought for a moment, and took Robert’s hand, their fingers intertwining and sending Robert’s senses into overdrive.

“I…I don’t know…I don’t want to guilt trip you”, Robert put his head in his hands.

“Don’t worry about me, mate”, Aaron grimaced, his voice unusually soft. “Just tell me what’s happened”.

“I didn’t hear your phone calls because I was busy panicking about the flat being a tip…and then I was waiting for you to come…and then you didn’t…” Robert coughed again and sniffed slightly, Aaron squeezing Robert’s hand, “…so I went to bed, because I needed to avoid the disappointment…and suddenly there was me…I tried to go to sleep but the darkness was suffocating me…I couldn’t breathe, I felt sick in my mouth…I could feel myself going faint…” Robert ran out of energy to finish, but Aaron understood. Robert could feel Aaron’s thumb rolling slowly over the top of Robert’s hand, soothing Robert’s heavy breathing and sniffling. Robert felt safe. Aaron was here, he had come. He was looking after him. Aaron cared.

Aaron smiled slightly as Robert looked into his eyes, the softening of Aaron’s gaze melting Robert’s chest in a fountain of serenity. “It’s alright, Robert, I’m here now”, Aaron spoke smoothly, his expression earnest but caring. “Come on, it’s getting late and I’m fucking starving”, Aaron smirked as he fished around for the pizza menus and the beer in the fridge. “We’ve got lost time to make up!”

* * *

“Ta, mate!” Aaron called to the pizza takeaway man as he shut the door behind him. “Come on, help with this pizza!”

Robert took one of the boxes off of the pile almost blinding Aaron, who was not able to see over the top of the stack. Robert laughed as Aaron bumped into the doorframe, Aaron scowling as he regained some dignity. Robert carried the rest over to the coffee table where they had set up the games console (Aaron had predictably thrashed him at the racing game Robert had borrowed) as Aaron fished around the fridge for some more beers.

“This alright?” Aaron picked up the ones he found near the back.

“Yeah”, Robert smiled as Aaron went to find a bottle opener. Suddenly, in a rush of insanity, he remembered his French lessons for the first time since he was practising with Alice the day before. This was his opportunity to impress Aaron, especially since Aaron was already being softer than usual after earlier. A playful smirk rippling across his lips, Robert added, “ _Fermez la porte, s’il vous plait_ _”._

“Wha…?” Aaron turned around, his look of utter confusion and amusement a total picture.

“ _Fermez la porte, s’il vous plait”,_ Robert bit his lip playfully as he looked Aaron in the eye.

“…shut it yourself, ya lazy shit”, Aaron raised his eyebrows, bemused. “Why are you speaking French to me…since when did you speak French?”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me”, Robert winked, the cheesiness almost making Aaron gag. “I just happen to speak French”.

“Oh…I see” Aaron rubbed his beard in thought, and added as he picked up his beers, “ _Alors…je n’aime pas du tout ce fromage de merde_ ”.

“Uh…” Robert hesitated, as Aaron’s smirk grew wider. “Well, you can…if you want”, Robert guessed.

“Oh I can?” Aaron grinned. “That’s great, well, _je ne peux pas ouvrir la fenêtre, j’ai besoin d’aide”._

“Cool”, Robert laughed nervously. “I think so too”.

“Yeah, you can’t speak French, can you, mate?” Aaron smirked as he saw Robert’s cautiously cocky grin slip into defeat.

“I can say…things”, Robert tried to argue, but as Aaron’s mocking chuckle gained volume, he dipped his head in mock shame. “ _Non_. But I didn’t think you could!”

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me”, Aaron smirked as he brought over the beers to the coffee table. “Nah, I can recognise a bit, and I can say sentences back, but I wasn’t there long enough to actually say anything useful”.

Robert blushed in his botched attempt, Aaron ruffling his messy blond bed hair playfully as he jumped back onto the sofa.

“Sorry”, Aaron chuckled. “I’ll try and play a bit better next time you wanna impress me”, he winked, brushing Robert’s hand as they toasted their beers and supped up. “Seriously, where did you learn that?”

“Alice roped me into a French speaking evening class”, Robert confessed, feeling embarrassed as if he felt like he had been trying too hard to win Aaron’s attention. “I was drunk, so I said yes. We went…and I thought I was doing shit, but then I had to have a conversation at the end, and I did alright. So I’ve been practising with Alice to see if I could trick you, but you were too smart for me”.

“Fuck, Robert, you’re so soft”, Aaron pushed Robert in jest, spending a little longer than necessary touching his arm before moving back. “You should keep doing it, though, it seemed to help your confidence a bit”.

“Yeah”, Robert smiling, realising the truth behind it. He remembered the rush as he realised he had managed to pull it off, Alice’s disbelieving face as they were walking back to the car. He was making progress…he could feel the real Robert breaking through, without the spectre of the obsession for power and wealth. Aaron disturbed his thoughts, chucking the games remote on his lap.

“Fancying losing again, old man?” he winked mischievously as he took a bite of pizza.

“Bastard”, Robert hissed, knowing a night of much losing laid ahead of him.

* * *

“Maybe you should think about seeing someone about it?” Aaron murmured as they vegged out on the sofa, the room being lit by the bright television light from the other side of the room.

“You…recommending therapy?” Robert looked round to him in shock. “Fuck, you have changed!”

“Oi”, Aaron cuffed Robert playfully with his fist, brushing against Robert’s chest and making Robert shiver internally. “Honestly…it helped me unpack all of the shit in my mind when things just got too much for me”.

“I would but I couldn’t handle the waiting lists”, Robert admittedly, rubbing his forehead anxiously. “I’d just build myself up for it and then crash when I don’t get one very quickly”.

“Then we’ll go private”, Aaron replied. “You won’t have the waiting time and you can get started straight away”.

“Aaron, I don’t have the money for that anymore”, Robert sighed. “I barely have enough to be comfortable with what I have, and I’m trying to save up to move somewhere a bit nicer”.

“Well, then…let me help you out”, Aaron suggested carefully, giving Robert eye contact, his face not showing any joking around.

“No, I couldn’t accept that”, Robert blurted out, surprised that Aaron would want to tie himself to Robert and his erratic behaviour more permanently like this. “It would obligate you to me…and I couldn’t take your money”.

“Robert, I can pull out when I like”, Aaron raised his eyebrows. “And…you made an investment in me when you invested in the scrapyard…this is my investment in you”.

Robert said nothing, just smiled as Aaron took his silence as an agreement. “Good, we’ll sort it out on Monday when we’re less tired”.

“Yeah, I’m starting to nod off”, Robert checked his watch lazily, the hand just moving to show quarter to three. “I’d better get some rest. Are you sure you don’t want me to sleep on the sofa?”

“Nah, y’alright”, Aaron smiled. “I’ve seen your bed, it’s not exactly that much more comfortable than this thing”.

“Touché”, Robert smirked. Picking himself up off the sofa, he got up and brushed the pizza crumbs from his pyjama top. “Hey…thanks for coming over tonight, it’s been really fun. And sorry for the dramatic welcome, I’ll try and listen to my phone next time”.

“Don’t worry about it”, Aaron got up as well to put the pizza boxes and beer bottles on the worktop. “And it wasn’t dramatic, it was just something we have to get through. It’ll be fine”, he patted Robert on the shoulder, Robert comforted by his touch. “So…night, Robert”. He held out his arm and Robert hesitantly moved forward until Aaron put his arm round Robert, Robert drinking in Aaron’s scent, almost drowning in the intoxication. Old feelings started igniting with a bang inside of him, and he struggled to keep them under wraps as he pulled back.  
  
“Night, then, Aaron…thanks”, Robert moved towards the door, looking over his shoulder to see Aaron waving cheekily as Robert finally disappeared around the corner. Climbing into bed slowly, he settled down into the sheets and laid down, the sheets much more inviting and comforting than before. He could just make out Aaron’s breathing on the other side of the wall, the younger lad already having nodded off into a comfortable sleep. Smiling as he focussed in on the rhythms of Aaron’s breathing, he finally let the black wave of sleep take him, the surf lapping him up as he drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that chapter - please do give kudos and especially comments; I don't really know how this chapter has turned out, so it'd be great to hear some feedback on how it reads for you. Either that or I should just get a beta reader :P Anyway, comments appreciated! Until the next chapter :)


	8. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert attempts to reconnect with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the nice comments about the last chapter. I'm still not totally sold on it, but it's nice that you lot enjoyed it nonetheless. This was a much more interesting chapter to write! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> TRIGGERS: Explicit panic attacks

The ticking of the clinically white clock on the wall tapped an unnervingly steady rhythm, each tick chafing rudely against the goose pimples on Robert’s skin. The walls were just as white, as if to lull one into a soft blindness. The impossibly pristine cleanliness of the décor choked Robert’s rational thinking as he dissected his surroundings. The room was remarkably simple: an old mahogany desk sat in the centre in front of a simple oak bookshelf and an obnoxiously perfect pot plant, sprouting triumphantly, mockingly, smugly. Next to the window, there were two seats; they were rounded and padded, a single white cushion adorning each, adjusted just so. They had probably designed the room so that the chairs would be bathed in sunlight, to promote openness and calmness; instead, it was early November, so the rain pattered dully but consistently against the window pane, the drops running like tears down the condensation-stained glass.

These conscious decisions were not having their desired effect on Robert; the simplicity of the set up threatened him. He felt as though there had to be a catch, a hidden camera behind a cushion, a Dictaphone stuffed inside the pot plant. There had to be something to catch him out, something to trip him up. He sat nervously on the edge of the white chaise longue that was pushed up along the other side of the room, tapping his feet at twice the speed of the clock’s second hand. He rubbed his knee with his thumb as he tried to focus out of his surroundings and back into his own psyche. Mistake.

_What the hell are you doing here, Robert? You don’t need fixing. You never should have let Aaron talk you into this. What does he know? He’s damaged enough as it is, what does he know about a stable mind-set? You’re wasting his money, remember how much this woman costs per hour. You should have gone on the NHS, at least you’d be at home on a waiting list than in this shithole. Repeat after me, Robert: you do not need fixing. You do not need fixing. You’re being ridiculous, you know what you have to do. Just keep your head down, keep away from people, and your life will be so much easier. You still have time to leave, just run now. She won’t notice, she’ll just rub her hands together because that’s the easiest £150 she’s made today. Aaron won’t notice either, he’ll still be in the car reading his Auto Trader. Just do it. Go on. Run. I won’t tell anyone._

Oh shut the fuck up.

Doing his best to tune out of his evil conscience, he huddled back in the seat, holding his crossed legs together in his arms in self-defence. In truth, he had no idea what he was going to talk about. He had seen a psychiatrist in prison, but events had taken place too soon, he was even more reluctant to open than now. He tried to prepare mini-essays in his head for when she naturally would ask pointless questions about damaged childhoods and flagrant sexuality problems. However, the more that he thought about these, the more he regressed into the arms of his inner voice, so he resigned himself to an utter lack of preparation, and just waited.

He hummed a bit to pass the time, desperate to drown out the ticking of the clock.

He tapped out a drum beat on his seat.

He shifted around in his seat, trying to find the optimal cross legged position.

He scratched his nose, the itch clinging onto dear life as he scratched harder and harder and hard-

“I’m so sorry about the delay, Mr Sudgen, we had some printer issues”, the woman apologised, clutching some papers under her arm as she purposefully entered the room. She was a tall woman, made even taller by her black stilettoes. Her dark skin glistened under the artificial lights of the room, a white shirt with puffed out sleeves and a slick black medium length skirt that hung just so over her knees. In truth, Robert didn’t know whether to be intimidated or slightly aroused. “Please, take a seat by the window”.

Caught in a trance for a few moments, he did as he was told, moving slowly over to the white chair nearest to the window, taking a few moments to adjust his seating position before he finally settled down.

“Right”, she began, clicking her pen to make a start after purposefully shaking Robert’s hand. “My name is Grace Edgbaston. These sessions will be for you to explore the things that you might have on your mind and see if we can work out some solutions to get you in a better place. You can stop at any time you feel that you’re ready to, you’re in total control of the process”. Robert did his best to look composed and in control already, but Grace gave a cryptic look as she continued, “First off, I’m going to need to take a few basic details down and then we can get started. Full name?”

“Robert Jacob Sudgen”, Robert replied, pleased there was a question he could actually answer. He felt a little more settled, and he had managed to control his breathing slightly so he could focus a little more on his thoughts rather than the uncomfortable surroundings. Grace went through the list, ticking boxes and scribbling notes quickly as she went through the various questions, making Robert a little on edge as to what she was writing.

“Right then, now that we have the formalities over and done with”, Grace continued as she flipped through her notebook. “Let’s find out what the problem is”.

* * *

 

Robert tapped on the car windscreen, making Aaron jumping slightly as he was poring through the used sections of his Auto Trader. Chuckling slightly, he got into the seat next to Aaron and exhaled slightly, as if he had just gone a hard day’s labour.

“So…how did it go?” Aaron broached as he grabbed the gearstick and put the car in gear. “Are we doing this next week?”

“Yeah, I think so”, Robert thought slowly. “It was tough…it’s like she had a way of getting things out of me without me even thinking about it. Maybe it was those legs, I don’t know…” Robert saw Aaron squirm in his seat slightly as they pulled out of the car park and out into the road, making Robert’s heart flutter a little.

“Well…I guess…anything that's helpful is good”, Aaron grimaced as he turned a corner. “Did she suggest anything to do for next week?”

Robert shifted around in his seat again, not knowing whether he was asking too much of Aaron, “Erm…we talked about my family, and how I wanted to be able to repair my relationship with them now so much time has passed…”

“Robert”, Aaron kept his eyes conveniently on the road, but the shakes in his voice betrayed the difficulty of the conversation, “that's too much to ask, you can't ask me to make them see you…it’s enough that I’m giving you another chance, but I’m not doing all your dirty work”.

“I know”, Robert conceded, rubbing his forehead lightly as he tried to think of what to say. “Do…do they even know that you're in contact with me?”

“Diane does”, Aaron confessed, eyes still locked onto the road. “My Mum is a complete no-go, as is Andy; I don't want to worry Paddy with Leo and shit…and Vic has got to worry about the baby…Diane struggles too…but she found out one night when I went round yours and she caught me talking to you on the phone. When I got back she was still up with a gin and tonic in her hand, steadying her nerves. I told her where you were, what you were doing, how you’d been. She’s been more worried than ever…I only have to say hello to her and she jumps a mile. I think she wants to see ya, to hear from ya properly. Robert…she’s only down the other end of a phone”, Aaron picked up Robert’s phone from the dashboard and passed to him as they sat at a red light. “I think she’ll be okay”.

Robert picked up his phone and flopped it from hand to hand in contemplation, biting his lip as he gathered his breath. He knew he couldn't make Aaron do all of his dirty work, and sooner or later he would have to face her if he wanted to have a relationship with them again. However, Robert also felt the sickness of rejection in the back of his throat, rising like bile as cataclysmic scenarios ran through his mind like a showreel. He started to feel the air getting tighter again, getting warmer and stickier. He jammed hard on the button to power the window, jamming repeatedly but to no avail. He squirmed in his seat, the seatbelt constricting him, pushing him tighter and tighter into the seat, Robert spluttering for air.

Aaron pulled into a lay-by and jammed on the brakes. Pulling the handbrake down sharply, Aaron ran out of the car and opened Robert’s car door, unclipping his seatbelt as Robert scrambled to breathe.

“Come on, mate, breathe with me”, Aaron instructed, not taking his eyes of Robert’s face as he knelt down. “Big breath in, hold, big breath out”. Robert fell into Aaron’s rhythm of breathing, the suffocating hands beginning to loosen their grip as he blocked out anything but Aaron. Once Robert had managed to regain a little more control, Aaron opened the car door behind Robert and sat with his legs out of the car, looking at Robert. “That’s what happened the night I was late, wasn’t it?”

Robert nodded weakly, “My mind just goes all stuffy and all of the thoughts gang up on me…then I can’t breathe and I can’t see, it gets so hot…” Robert trailed off as Aaron shushes him down, Robert still coughing to regain full control of his lungs and his mind.

“And did you talk about this with the woman?”

“I was there to talk to her about my childhood and shit, why would this be important?”

“Robert!” Aaron exclaimed softly, Robert looking round to see Aaron’s exasperated expression in his eyes. “That’s exactly what the woman is for! To sort out all of the shit you can’t control, including this. How…how do you think I finally got myself to stop tearing my stomach to shreds?”

“How can she help with that?” Robert grumbled back. “What’s she gonna do, tell me to stop?”

“Don’t be a child, Robert”, Aaron growled back. “Just speak to her about it next week…I’m not paying her to have a fucking trip down Memory Lane with ya”. Robert simply nodded his acquiescence, too weak to put up much of a fight. “And…I’m sorry if I triggered ya. If you really want…I’ll talk to Diane for you”.

“Thanks, but no”, Robert looked into Aaron’s eyes as he grimaced. “You’re right…it won’t sound genuine coming from you…the least she deserves is to be able to tell me to fuck off to my own face”.

Aaron put his hand on Robert’s shoulder, “She won’t tell you to fuck off, mate”.

Shaking as he logged into his phone, he scrolled through to D on his contacts list. **Diane.** Next to her name was a picture of her; she was standing next to the beer pumps in the Woolpack, beaming as she had one hand on the pump and one hand around the glass. Robert smiled sadly as he imagined what the damage he had caused had done to his stepmother, whether she’d ever been as happy as in the photo once the full extent of Robert’s betrayal became known. Robert hoped so, a lump developing in his throat.

Feeling another squeeze on his shoulder from behind, Robert closed his eyes as he tapped on Diane’s mobile number, the phone ringing as it buzzed in his hand. Shaking slightly as he put the phone to his ear, the phone rung for an agonisingly long amount of time. Robert counted each ring, each one amounting to how much Diane couldn’t forgive him. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Te-

“Hello?” came the shaky response on the other side of the phone.

“Diane…” Robert breathed as he heard her voice for the first time in almost three years. “It’s Robert”.

“I know”, Diane replied, her shocked breathing represented by the muffles on the phone call. “I…I can’t believe it’s you, pet”.

“Neither can I”, Robert sniffed, his eyes starting to well up as he let Diane’s voice wash over him.

“Is Aaron with you?” she asked, muffled by her own emotions.

“Yeah”, Robert turned and smiled at Aaron on the back seat. “He’s here…we’ve just come back from the therapist’s. Aaron’s helping me get better”.

“I see”, was Diane’s cryptic response. There was a sizeable silence before Diane blurted, “Why didn’t you call before, pet? I thought I’d never get to hear from you again!” Diane’s voice wobbled as she finished the sentence.  

“Because I was scared…” Robert whispered, his breath catching in his throat as he thought about the inevitable rejection he was going to face when Diane couldn’t bring herself to see him. “Because…I didn’t think you wanted me in your life anymore…”

“I can’t lie, pet…it’s been really difficult to digest what you did”, Robert choked back the tears as he felt rejection slapping him in the face. “But you’re my family…I’d be a terrible mother if I just stopped thinking about you. I knew I couldn’t see you the day you were released…but I prayed every day that you were alright, that you were turning your life around”.

“I am, Diane, I am”, he beamed, tears trickling down his cheeks. “I’ve met some friends…and Aaron’s helping me…I’m working through my issues, I can get better. I want to get better…for myself and you lot. I miss you so much, Diane”.

“I miss you too, pet”, Robert could hear the emotions pouring out on Diane’s side. “But like Aaron…I can’t just put history behind me and move on, Robert. Too much has happened…I’m going to need some time…”

“Of course, Diane”, Robert replied, his voice starting to fill with hope. “I’ll do anything I can to make you see that I can change. Can…can I see you? Come visit?”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, pet”, Diane lamented. “You’ll probably be burnt at the stake by Andy and get eaten by Chas”.

“Then come here, come to Leeds, see my new life”, Robert pressed. “You can come with Aaron the next time he comes up and…we can see where it goes…?”

There was another silence, Robert not knowing whether Diane was just thinking or had hung up. “Diane?” he called nervously.

“Alright, Robert”, Diane sighed. “We’ll come visit you”.

“Thanks, I can’t tell you how grateful I am”, Robert beamed, wiping the tears from the bridge of his nose. “See you soon?”

“Yes, pet, see you soon”.

Diane hung up, Robert removing the phone from his ear as he slowly turned to face Aaron again, nodding cautiously as they made eye contact. Aaron gave a small smile and squeezed Robert’s shoulder once more.

* * *

 

The following Saturday had rolled around quicker than Robert had wanted; whenever he needed time to prepare himself for the trials that laid before him, time seemed to deprive him of just the right amount of preparation for him to feel ready. Aaron had rung him on the Thursday to let him know that Vic and Adam would also be coming with him and Diane, Robert registering his surprise in several expletives which offended the old ladies as he passed them on his run. Aaron explained that Vic had managed to pry it out of Diane, having noticed her behaviour change as it became more and more erratic. Eventually, Diane divulged her plans, Vic insisting that she came in case anything bad happened.

He had run through all of the possible scenarios in his head, and then again with Owen as they sat in Starbucks on a lunch break. Robert was building himself up for the whole thing to be a failure, expecting Diane not to forgive him, Vic to never want to see him again, to Adam kicking something off after Robert would inevitably say something stupid. Owen had then tried to counter him by listing all the ways it could go right, but Robert’s panic blinded him, his inherent goodness paling into insignificance as he stoked the flames of his past transgressions.

Robert had picked the venue after flicking through dozens of restaurants on a travel website for Leeds, scrolling through reams of reviews with a fine toothcomb, looking for any minor imperfections or blemishes. Eventually, he settled on an Italian in the city centre, an up-and-coming joint that had garnered praise from cultured diners and critics alike. That would show that Robert had got his life back together.

He had also flicked through his wardrobe to find something suitable to wear, something that would say that he had moved on from prison and settled into his new life in Leeds. Spoiling himself slightly, he had bought a new blazer with elbow-pads, navy blue, to go with one of his white work shirts. The night before the meet up, he spent a good hour ironing his best pair of jeans, ironing out every goddamn crease with absolute precision. Then, he spent another hour shining his best pair of brogues, and even ironed his socks. There. That would should them he had moved on, made something of himself.

By the time Saturday came, Robert had not managed to get much sleep. He had tossed and turned in his sheets once more, once more chafing against his bare arms like sandpaper as he dreamt of worst-case scenarios and falling from aeroplanes.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

A lazy hand swatted at the alarm clock, pressing the snooze button as it settled on the other side of the sheets.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Robert opened one eye sleepily, looked at the clock without registering the time, and turned the alarm off, turning over as he settled back into his staggered slumber.

Robert’s phone vibrated on his bedside table, Robert turning over as he reached to answer it. “…hello?” he yawned.

“Robert, we’re stuck in traffic here, we’ll probably be about twenty minutes late”, Aaron reported as Robert sat up slowly in bed. “I’ll call ya if things get any worse”.

“Sure”, a large yawn escaped Robert’s mouth. “See ya”, Robert put his phone back on the side and laid down on his back, looking at the damp ceiling.

Aaron and his family were on their way.

“Fuck!” Robert hissed as he leapt out of bed, only catching a glimpse of the time as he launched himself into the shower. _Only a complete tosser like you would leave himself fifty minutes to get ready for the most important meeting of his life._ Robert shook his head under the shower head, desperate to clear his mind of the damaging thoughts, and put himself into recovery mode.

* * *

 

Screeching round the car park in his crumbling Fiat, he swung round the corners, desperately hoping Aaron hadn’t beaten him here. He needed to park the Fiat somewhere completely out of the way of anywhere that the rest of them could see it, and he definitely couldn’t let them see him anywhere near it. Locking up hastily, he jogged down the steps onto the street level, rushing through the throng of shoppers as he picked his way towards the restaurant.

Finally, he managed to get his way into the restaurant, waiting for Aaron as he sat down in the waiting area for the tables. He played with the cheap cufflinks on his shirt as he tried to pace his breathing, using the breathing techniques Aaron had taught him in the car. Breathe in…hold for six seconds…one…two…three…four…five…six…breathe out…breathe in….hold…breathe out…breathe in…hold….breathe out…brea-

“Sorry I’m late, Robert, we wer-…wow, you’ve scrubbed up”, Robert looked up to see Aaron eyeing him curiously as he turned the corner into the waiting area. “I haven’t see you wear a blazer since…” Aaron trailed off, refusing to entertain Robert’s former life at Home Farm.

“Thanks”, Robert smiled weakly. He peered around Aaron to see the rest of them, but he couldn’t see them. “Where are they?”

“They’re around the corner”, Aaron explained. “I told them I’d go in first to check you had come at all…but it was really just in case you were having another panic attack and you needed some time to sort yourself out before they came in”, Aaron looked away from Robert uncomfortably as he clocked Robert’s softened gaze, full of affection and gratitude.

“I’ll be okay”, Robert smiled back, standing and straightening out his blazer. “Right…let’s face the music, then”.

Aaron disappeared around the corner for a moment, then returned a few seconds later, Diane, Vic, and Adam stepping cautiously behind him. Robert’s eyes swelled up for a moment, tears attacking him once again as he savoured the sight in front of him. Three years of broken contact had changed them all; Diane had changed the least, but looked a little gaunter from the worry that had driven her existence since Robert’s incarceration; Vic had changed the most, most noticeably with the bump that had risen, but also through her face, where she had grown from a carefree young newlywed to a hardened adult. Robert could see the emotional scars in her eyes as she saw her older brother for the first time since her last visit in prison. Adam had changed too, also getting slightly older in the face, faced with the challenges he shared with his wife, facing each of them side by side, ready to fight until the death.

“Robert”, Diane breathed as she cautiously embraced him, Robert drinking in the scent of her perfume as he embraced her small frame. As Diane stepped back after a few seconds, Robert looked up to Vic as she looked on at him, emotionless in her expression.

“It’s nice to see you, Vic”, he smiled hopefully, going to move forward to embrace her, but stopping when she moved back.

“I’m here for Diane, not for you”, she stated simply. Adam moved forward slightly, threatening him not to come any closer. Robert stayed where he was.

“Come on, let’s sit down”, Robert tried to hide his disappointment and turned to the waitress who had appeared by the front desk of the restaurant. “Hi, table under the name of Sudgen for five?”

“Certainly, Mr Sudgen”, the waitress smiled as she led them to a booth near the back of the restaurant. They settled down around the table, each taking a menu, the perfect excuse not to make any small-talk.

Once they had ordered their drinks, it became more and more difficult to avoid a conversation. Diane finally braved breaking the tense atmosphere, feigning a smile as she commented, “This looks like a lovely restaurant, Robert”.

“Yeah, I sometimes come here for lunch meetings here”, Robert replied, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying. He caught Aaron’s discreetly suspicious glance before looking back down at his menu. Silence fell back on the table as they ordered their meals, no one daring to be the one to open the can of worms that Robert’s history would release.

It was Diane that braved it again. “So…where is that you’re living now, Robert? Aaron said that you were renting a place in the city”.

“Yeah”, Robert smiled as he looked Diane in the eye, his stepmother looking away as he did so. “I’m living in a nice flat in the city, got great views, the mod-cons, everything. Landed on my feet, I was lucky”.

Aaron’s gaze from across the table hardened a bit more, causing Robert to blush slightly as he looked back down to the table.

“And where is it that you work?” Diane asked, again not looking into Robert’s eyes as she spoke.

“I work to help motorists who are having trouble on the roads to get back on their feet again as quickly as possible”, Robert replied carefully, choosing his words deliberately as Aaron looked away this time, the disapproval in his expression still plain to read.

“So a breakdown company”, Adam chimed in bluntly, himself making eye contact with Aaron as Aaron gave him a pleading one back.

“And what is it you do there?” Diane followed up the question, looking at a spec on the wall.

“The customers talk to me in order that I may help them to find the solution to their problem”, Robert answered carefully.

“So you work in a call centre for a breakdown company”, Adam chimed in again, even more edge in his voice. “Big fucking deal, mate”.

“Adam!” Aaron hissed under his breath.

“What? I’m supposed to pretend that Robert is still the big ‘I am’ when really he’s just as common as everyone else?” Adam spat back sharply, this time gaining a stern look from Vic. Adam leaned back in his seat in surprise that his wife had defended her brother, despite not having actually spoken since they had sat down.

“I’m just gonna pop to the loo”, Robert announced uneasily, and quickly manoeuvred himself out of the situation and round to the toilets. He leant against the sinks, refusing to look himself in the mirror as he tried to control his breathing. Suddenly, he saw Aaron’s reflection burst through the toilet door, marching straight up to Robert as a guy at the hand drier made a hasty exit.

“What the fuck was that?” Aaron spat. “Why are you going in there lying to them?”

“I don’t know”, Robert confessed as he exhaled deeply. “The words are just tumbling out, it’s not like I can control them. Before I know what I’ve said, I’m earning another dirty look off you and Adam looks one step closer to knocking me unconscious”.

“You’re making yourself look like a complete knob”, Aaron turned to look away from Robert. “I’m not gonna continue you to help you if you keep on trying to play this posh fuck living in the lap of luxury. Newsflash, Robert: you work in a call centre, live in a shitty concrete tower block, and drive a God awful Fiat Punto. You are common. They can read you like a fucking book, mate. And if you don’t get your act sorted, you’re on your own”. Aaron looked behind him, flashing a scathing glance at Robert, before marching back out of the door to Robert’s family. Breathing in again, Robert followed him slowly, only to see them standing up to put their coats on.

“Wha-what are you doing?” Robert asked quietly.

“We know you’re bullshitting us, Robert”, Vic replied, her voice quiet but full of resigned disappointment in her brother. “We should have known you’d never change, not even after going to prison. We’ll leave you to your delusional fairytale world and we’ll go back to the real one”.

Diane dipped her head as she followed Vic out of the restaurant, Aaron looking back in his own disappointment before following Adam towards the exit.

“Wait!” Robert shouted, his voice laced with desperation. “Please…I’ll show you what things are really like…please don’t go”.

* * *

“Are you sure this part of the city is safe, pet?” Diane asked as she looked out of Robert’s lounge window to the ground below, sirens providing the steady heartbeat of the area in the streets around Robert’s tower block.

“Well, I’ve not died yet, but you hear things”, Robert confessed as he poured the water from the kettle into five mugs of varying sizes. “I’ll be fine, you’ve just got to keep your wits about you, Diane”.

“But what happened to all that money from your stake of the scrapyard?” Vic asked suspiciously as she sat in the armchair. “You could have had something much better than this”.

“I gave most of it away, I couldn’t deal with all that dirty money that I was getting back…” Robert grimaced, bringing the tray of mugs over as everyone took one. “I kept a bit so I would have a tiny safety net for a couple of weeks, but I needed to start a clean slate…if I had kept it, I might still be who I used to be”. Robert saw Vic contort her face slightly, deep in thought, but decided not to press the matter. “Tea alright?” Robert asked nervously, to which everyone murmured their agreement.

“I just wish you had come back when you got out, Robert”, Diane sighed. “You should have known that we would have accepted you eventually…all this time and distance has only made things more difficult to overcome”.

“I know”, Robert dipped his head. “I was a coward…I should have been honest with you from the beginning. I just want my family to be proud of me, to be proud of the life I lead”.

“Then you should have known that we would have been proud of you no matter what you did, and who you were with”, Vic stated, nodding over to Aaron subtly. “We’re your family”.

“I know that, and I’m sorry”, Robert pouted as he dipped his head again. “I just want the chance to prove myself to you guys…I’d do anything if it meant that I had you back in my life again”.

“Well”, Diane walked over slowly from where she was standing by the window, “all it took was that first phone call, pet. To show me that you wanted to make that effort, to earn our trust again. And it’s going to be a really tough road to that, and I can’t promise you it’ll be quite the same...but, like I said, you’re a Sudgen. I would be a terrible mother if I turned you away”. She embraced Robert again, and Robert struggled to hold in a tear as she patted him on the back softly.

“I just can’t believe that you let us believe your web of lies for so long”, Vic stated emotionlessly. “And even had the cheek to try and spin us some more today…but I can see how difficult it’s been for you to face up to us…and…my baby doesn’t deserve to grow up in a world of hate instead of a world of forgiveness. I won’t promise anything…but I’ll let you prove yourself”.

“Thanks, Vic”, Robert whispered, as Adam scoffed.

“Yeah, just be grateful I’m not your actual family, mate”, Adam sneered. “You’d have been hung and dry years ago. Aaron knows how much of a plank he is for giving you another chance”. Aaron shot Adam another dirty look as Adam got up to leave. “We’d better get off, Vic, it’s getting late”.

“Yeah”, she grimaced as she took Adam’s hand to get up. Walking carefully through the narrow living space, she approached Robert and slowly put her hand on his shoulder. “You look after yourself, yeah? We’ll come and see you soon”. There wasn’t too much emotion in her voice, but she had tried her hardest to stay true to her word of support.

“Thanks, Vic…for everything”, Robert gave a half-smile. “And you, Diane”, Robert turned to Diane who gave him another small hug as she went to follow Adam and Vic towards the door. Aaron put down his mug and followed them out, picking up his coat from the worktop with Robert following at the back. Waving from his front door, Robert felt the small flickering flames of hope start to ignite in his soul. _I can do this. I have their support. I can beat you._

“I’ll catch you up”, Aaron called as the others disappeared around the corner. He walked up to Robert slowly and leant on the frame of the front door. “I’m…I’m really proud of you…eventually”, he raised his eyebrows, not letting him get away with the debacle in the restaurant.

“I’m sorry”, Robert mumbled. “I know I was such a knob…I just couldn’t help myself”.

“I know”, Aaron admitted, the distance between them closing as Aaron looked down to his boots. “I know it was just your defence mechanisms kicking in…but seriously…you don’t need to act like a total tool to get respect…” Aaron moved closer, “…just be the Robert Sudgen who I know lives underneath”.

There was a cigarette paper’s width between them now, Aaron moving from the doorframe and looking straight into Robert’s eyes. Robert’s heart beat heavily in his chest, the blood rushing in his ears as he fell into Aaron’s beautiful depths, his eyes drawing him further and further into Aaron’s soul as they laid their souls bare in simple expressions.

Before Robert could even register what was happening, Aaron had moved in and closed the distance. Robert closed his eyes as he felt Aaron’s slightly dry lips meeting his own, Aaron’s beard scraping deliciously along Robert’s clean-shaven chin. Robert didn’t dare press forward to deepen the kiss, and simply stood and enjoyed what Aaron was prepared to give: this beautiful expression of Aaron’s pride in Robert’s efforts. His expression of his continued support. Of his affection. Of his love.

Robert opened his eyes, falling straight back into Aaron’s. Suddenly, Aaron broke the seemingly indestructible connection between them. Backing away quickly, Robert watched in horror as the affection and pride disappeared in a cloak of embarrassment, rapidly replaced with confusion and shame.

“Sorry…sorry, I need to go, see ya”, Aaron turned without looking back, Robert’s frantic cries not permeating the bubble of confusion that had consumed Aaron. _Of course he doesn’t love you. You should’ve known._ This time, Robert had no comeback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Robert cries an awful fucking lot in this fic... :L Please kudos and especially give comments, that would be lovely! On average, it seems I have around 325 readers tuning in each chapter! Thank you everyone, that means so much that it gets read! :) Until the next chapter...


	9. Redemption I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert ruminates about his place in the world and in Aaron's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the messages and the kudos! So much kudos, it's amazing! Keep the messages rolling in, I'm loving reading everyone's ideas about the story! And thanks for people that have stuck it out this far - 9 chapters are about six chapters more than I was originally thinking of writing. I hope you like this chapter!

_You have five new messages._

_First message, sent today by 07123944212 at 2035 hours: Aaron, please can we talk? You can’t just kiss me and not expect to be really confused about it? Please ring me._

_Second message, sent today by 07123944212 at 2059 hours: Come on, Aaron? Even if it’s just to tell me that you want out…I just need to know._

_Third message, sent today by 07123944212 at 2111 hours: I’m sorry, Aaron, I’m sorry! If you want me to leave you alone, just send me a text, anything please. Just talk to me._

_Fourth message, sent today by 07123944212 at 2240 hours: Aa-Aaron…please just…don’t hate me…I love ya…please talk to me, Aaron, I miss ya. Come on, please…please, Aaron…_

_Fifth message, sent today by 07123944212 at 2313 hours: I’m sorry, Aaron…I’m such a loser…you’re allowed to hate me…I’ve ruined your life too many times to expect you to give me another chance…I know I need to let you go…I’ll leave you alone…bye Aaron…_

* * *

Eurgh. Robert blinked slowly as he struggled to acclimatise to the light of the room, a rare sunny day bathing the streets outside in chilly light. Rolling over, he put his hands slowly to his pounding head, his head seemingly weighing another stone more than he remembered. He caught a whiff of the contents of the rather large bottle of wine standing up by his bedside, making Robert want to wretch as it brought bile to the back of his throat.

Unlike his previous benders, he could remember everything that had happened the night before. He remembered with a heavy heart Aaron’s disturbed face when he pulled away from Robert’s lips, Robert’s cries futile as Aaron ran back down the stairs and out of his life, not even looking back in doubt. He remembered the sick feeling as he curled up into a ball on the sofa, tears failing to escape this time. In truth, Robert had probably cried enough times in the past three months that he had run out tears to give. He couldn't feel the heat coming from the temperamental radiator behind him – he simply felt numb. He had expected a great outpouring of emotions, but he had lost his loved ones so many times, he had run out of energy to put into it. The cold outside didn’t affect him, but neither did the temporary heat from behind, his senses comatose.

After a couple of hours, he had managed to spy the bottle of wine Alice had brought over the week before, glistening invitingly in the dull lighting. One or five glasses later, he found himself trying to contact Aaron to make sense of what happened earlier. Eventually, after a while, Robert realised that this was the end of the road, and told Aaron to move on with his life. The memories pounded through Robert’s mind as he remembered what he had done, groaning as he dropped his phone on the seats and rolling over again. _You fucking idiot. You need Aaron. You told him to leave you alone and now he will. You’ll never see him again. No amount of grovelling can make up for what you did._

Robert got up after a heavy session of self-torture, standing under the shower, letting the water drown him. He wanted the water to wash away the grief and the regret, but they were impermeable, instead washing away Robert’s confidence and optimism. He stayed there for a while, letting time run past without him as he zoned out of consciousness. He focussed on the water dripping around him, letting the rush consume his thoughts and his conscience until he saw just whiteness. But it wasn’t meditative; the water robbed him of his capacity to feel. It took his serenity, and replaced it with an uneasy void.

Later in the day, he tried to run to focus his mind. He warmed up as normal, and set off around towards the corner with the off licence. However, every time he started to near to the point of meditation, his conscience would cruelly revive the look in disgusted look in Aaron’s eyes, boring into Robert’s own haunted eyes with a burning intensity that ignited the flame of Roberts self-hatred higher and higher. He lost focus as he drowned himself in his berating, his constant critiques. He found he could only run half as far as he normally could, and walked despondently home, the weakly beaming sun mocking his efforts mercilessly.

He tried listening to music on his settee, shutting the outside world out as he focussed on the words or the beat, trying to preoccupy himself by tapping the rhythm or humming the notes. He tried practising the breathing exercises that…Aaron had taught him to do. He flashed back to the moment in the car, Aaron’s powerful gaze meeting his own, desperate, breathing in time together, two pairs of lungs joined by time’s transcendentally immortal beat. He remembered the feeling of indestructible connection as he felt Aaron’s lips brush softly and lovingly against his own, the rush of emotion and disappointment making Robert light-headed with the power of his devotion. Whereas in the past the blood would have rushed somewhere differently, that time, the blood rushed straight to his chest, his heart working into overdrive.

Robert became inseparable from his mobile phone that day. He carried it around in his pocket, thumbing it nervously every five minutes or so, logging in every ten to make sure he hadn’t missed a call or a voicemail from him, wondering every thirty whether he should leave another voicemail or just to leave it. He had promised to leave him alone – he stopped himself. He took it in the shower with him, refusing to allow himself to miss Aaron’s call. He checked every so often that he hadn’t left it on silent, or turned vibrate off. He couldn’t ring Owen or Alice for company, just in case he’d miss Aaron’s only call to give him one last chance. Eventually, he admitted defeat. Aaron wasn’t going to call him. Crawling into bed early, he took a nightcap with him to bed. The scotch warmed his cold chest superficially, Robert chuckling bitterly at the ephemeral nature of its pleasure. Turning off the light, he stared into the dark. It didn’t suffocate him like before; it just watched him, made its eternal presence known.

* * *

“Robert, something’s clearly up”, Alice pressed as she harassed Robert down to the vending machine, Robert buying a chocolate bar out of sheer habit before leaving for home. Robert had worked overtime that Monday, using the opportunity to give himself as little time as possible to drown in his regrets about how he had left it with Aaron. “You’ve had a face like a wet weekend since you got here.  Come to think, you never told us about Saturday! Did it not go like you wanted it to?”

“It went alright in the end”, Robert sighed as he absent-mindedly pressed the buttons on the machine, not caring so much what he ended up with. “I’m gonna see Vic and Diane again soon, when they’ve had some time to digest what happened this weekend”.

“Well that’s good, then, isn’t it?” Alice was confused, tapping her foot impatiently as she waited for her latte to be ready. “What’s there to be upset about?”

“It…it happened afterwards”, Robert murmured. “Just before he left…Aaron stayed behind when the rest of them went off to the car. He told me that he was proud of me…and then…then, he kissed me –“ Robert was cut off by Alice’s excited squealing, but the look her gave quickly quietened her as he finished, “then…he said that he was sorry and ran off. I sent him a few messages, but he’s not replied to any of them. I’ve scared him off…I shouldn’t have made him do that…”

“Hang on”, Alice looked at Robert quizzically, the pair stepping outside into the cold winter air, their breath escaping their mouths like spirits as they leant against the wall. “You didn’t said you started it…why are you blaming yourself?”

“Because I must have scared him off, I must have been too much for him, it was going so well…” Robert put his face in his hands as he willed himself to be freed of Aaron’s gaze, scorching an imprint into his conscience.

“How do you know it was anything you did? Did he say anything there and then?” Alice sipped her latte, not breaking eye contact with Robert as he took his face out of hands to listen.

“No…” Robert mused cautiously. It had been Aaron on his own that had decided to flee, nothing that Robert had done. Robert hadn’t even returned the kiss technically, so Robert had quite literally done nothing accept Aaron’s actions. Robert stared glumly out into the car park as he remarked, “I don’t know how you manage to be so optimistic and cheery, Alice, I really don’t”.

“Really?” Alice adopted a rare serious tone as she turned, taking another sip of her latte as she waited for Robert’s response. “Why would you say that?”

“I dunno”, Robert confessed, feeling dejected. “I’ve just never seen you with a frown on your face, I don’t know how you manage it”.

“Well…” Alice took another sip. “I guess it comes from experience. I’ve had to build up this self-confidence from the moment that my ex-fiancé jilted me on my wedding day”.

“Your…what?” Robert hadn’t expected such a response from the ever-light Alice, who had adopted a gravelly sombre tone. “Alice, I’m so sorry…”

“It’s fine”, she smiled glumly. “It was a long time ago now…I was pretty young, obviously. I had invested my entire being into this person, that they were my soulmate and that we were forever a part of each other…and then on our wedding day, he tells me he’s met someone off of the Internet and couldn’t marry me. I just felt this heavy feeling in my heart for months and months afterwards, as if I was just this shell, that my relationship was my entire being. There was just nothing to me, so I wasted months just getting pissed and staying home instead of finding out who I really was.

“Then I started working here, to get a clean break. I wasn’t expecting to fit in, I thought it would be full of people that I had nothing in common with…but slowly I put myself out of my comfort zone again, trying new things, learning new skills. It was the only way that I’d actually be able to be someone that I could be proud of. I did it to the extreme, I’d just fill my schedule with classes and clubs and meet ups. From then on it was just experience. So it turned out my fiancé leaving me was the best thing that could possibly happen to me – I became someone amazing on my own, much more amazing than I could ever have been together with him”.

“You saying I should just forget about Aaron and move on?” Robert asked cautiously.

“No”, Alice shook her head as she downed the rest of her latte. “But I am saying that you don’t need to be with him to find out how cool you really are. Just look at you in that French lesson, you were epic. And that was all by yourself…I just want you to know that you are cool because of the things you choose to be, not because you make up the other half of someone else. Plus, you’re the only person I know who finds talking about old Jaguar E-Types remotely interesting, so that’s a bonus…”, Alice winked as she smiled at him, Robert smiling slightly back as he dipped his head. He didn’t need Chrissie. He didn’t need power. He didn’t need wealth. He had his own personality that he could develop, perfect, refine. He deserved to be recognised on his own terms. What Robert couldn’t say was that he didn’t want Aaron to be a part of it. Aaron would always be a part of it, no matter how hard Robert tried to move forward without him. “Thanks, Alice”, he nodded as he looked out to the streets ahead, the streetlamps coming on as the early nights crept in from over the horizon, bathing the streets with artificial white light.

“No problem”, she beamed. “Come on, I need to go and get my bag from my desk and we can go and meet Owen in the pub”. They walked back into the warmth of the office block, nodding politely to the secretary as they climbed the stairs into their call centre. Suddenly, Robert was aware of the soft vibrating in his trouser pocket.

“Ha, I bet that’s Owen telling us to get a fucking move on”, Robert smiled as he followed Alice up to her desk to get her handbag. He logged into his phone, swiping into his messages app. It was from Aaron. Robert stopped immediately in his tracks as his finger hovered nervously over the notification. Slowly, he pressed the message.

_Ive fucked up Robert. I hurt so much. Please come Robert._

* * *

Robert raced down the stairs, taking three at a time, using the banisters to propel him to the bottom and pick up extra speed. He sprinted over to the Fiat, jamming the key into the ignition as he launched himself into the driver’s seat. He had to get to Aaron as quickly as he could, knowing that every second spent on the road would be a second closer to Aaron falling off of the wagon and back into the clutches of his demons. He couldn’t allow himself to be the one that kept sparking Aaron’s self-loathing tendencies. He had to break the cycle before it was too late, before Aaron pushed and pushed his harming to the point of no return.

He raced down the motorway, speeding as he swept past the slower cars in the other lanes. He didn’t have time to be held up tonight. The radio blasted in the otherwise silent car, but Robert couldn’t hear it over the sound of the adrenaline pumping in his head, his conscience guiding him back to his roots. It hadn’t occurred to Robert that it had been three years since he had last been in the Dales, the day that had condemned him to permanent judgement and stigma. But as soon as he had opened Aaron’s desperate text message, his heart took over the reins, pulling him back to Emmerdale as if magnetically. The pull was too great, he could no longer resist.

Mercifully, the roads hadn’t been very busy, allowing Robert to get to the village as quickly as he possibly could. The Fiat launched itself over the undulations of the hilly roads that led to Hotten and the tiny villages that encompassed it, Robert completely unaware as the car seats creaked and squealed as he launched the tiny car through the tight corners. He had only one goal, one priority, one destination: his Aaron.

His heart thudded harder and harder as he neared the village high street and the back entrance of the Woolpack, the realisation dawning on Robert that his appearance would likely do more than just turn a few heads. His need to be there to comfort Aaron trumped the discomfort and worry he felt in case he bumped into a bombastic Chas or a vengeful Andy. Even bumping to Edna or Pearl would send the Emmerdale rumour mill into overdrive, and he’d likely leave the Woolpack with a barrage of abuse and questions from the indignant neighbours. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was Aaron, his bundle of perpetual moodiness, the cantankerous, volatile, loyal, beautiful, amazing, perfect little shit that Robert loved so much. He wouldn’t lose him again.

Treading carefully around the back of the Woolpack, hoping that he wouldn’t be seen, he quickly dialled Aaron’s number. Every ring of the telephone was another second’s worth of breath that Robert held back, refusing to relax until he knew that Aaron was alright.

“Robert?” Aaron answered softly.

“Aaron”, Robert sighed in relief. “I’m outside, come let me in”.

“Okay”, the line went dead, and Robert waited nervously for Aaron to come and open the back door. Slowly, the back door swung open and Aaron appeared from behind it. Robert walked closer, but it wasn’t until he was only a few feet away that Robert could make out the red streaks that were smothered across Aaron’s cheeks, his hands furiously batting away the onslaught of more tears. “Are you coming in?”

Robert smiled softly as Aaron motioned him indoors, anxious as he entered the house for the first time in such a long time. The décor hadn’t changed in the slightest; garish wallpaper adorned the walls of the living quarters, and even the furniture hadn’t changed, right down to the table that watched duly over the hallway. Aaron led the way up the stairs, past where so many confrontations between the pair had come to a head in the past. Robert’s mind’s eyes flashed violently as he relived the moments of passion that had led to his declaration of love in the same spot, feeling light-headed from the weight of history.

Aaron held the door open for Robert as he entered Aaron’s room, messy with dirty clothes encircling the bed and a distinctly manly smell hanging uncomfortably in the stuffy atmosphere. The door closed softly behind them, but the final click as the latch clicked into place reverberated through Robert, who watched as Aaron approached him, the latter’s eyes puffy with emotion and fatigue. Suddenly, before Robert could even protest, Aaron moved his lips in towards Robert’s, energy and desperation dissipating through the force of Aaron’s kiss. Robert returned the kiss slightly, only just being able to realise what was going on. The kiss was much rougher than the one they had shared on the doorstep; this kiss was raw, unhinged. Robert felt the bitter taste of torment and anguish on Aaron’s lips, a concoction of love and concern lacing Robert’s returns.

Finally, Aaron pulled away, rubbing his eyes but not his lips as he stumbled weakly onto the bed. Blinking the surprise from his eyes, Robert moved onto the bed himself, seating himself next to Aaron. As soon as Robert had sat down properly on the screwed up fabric, Aaron’s arms swung around him, pulling him tightly as tears ran liberally from Aaron’s eyes onto the chest of Robert’s shirt. Robert put one arm around Aaron’s torso as he used his free hand to lightly stroke Aaron’s hair, rocking Aaron slightly as if he were a child who couldn’t sleep.

After a long comfortable silence, Aaron looked softly into Robert’s eyes, “I’m sorry, I’m just…fuck, I’m so fucked up, Robert”.

“Aren’t we all?” Robert smiled sadly as he cupped Aaron’s face slightly, the younger man not fighting Robert’s advances. “What’s this all about, eh? You got me worried coming down the motorway, I thought you’d started harming again”.

“I wanted to”, Aaron confessed, and Robert closed his eyes as he shuddered to think what might have happened had he not come. “I wanted to so badly…I feel like such a failure, putting people through so much shit when they don’t need it…”

“Why?” Robert asked soothingly. “Something must have happened, eh?”

Aaron pressed his head into Robert’s chest as he sniffled, “I-i-it’s Vic”.

“What about her?” Robert’s voice hardened in worry.

“They’ve rushed her to the hospital, said she was feeling pains”, Aaron broke down again in Robert’s chest.

“But she’s not due for another four months”, Robert whispered, worry spiking through his body as he thought of Vic, her screams echoing through his mind in the back of a packed ambulance, the siren lights blinding Robert back into reality.

“I know”, Aaron wailed. “And it’s all my fault”.

“Ey now”, Robert stroked Aaron’s head again. “How on earth could something like that be your fault?”

“Because…because earlier today she had an argument with Adam…about…ab-ab-about you”, Aaron continued to sob inconsolably into Robert’s shirt. “A massive one…he was trying to convince her to drop you like a stone…she was defending you…then later she…she…just collapsed…”

Robert’s blood run cold. If something happened to the baby, that wouldn’t be Aaron’s fault. That would have been Robert’s. _Yet another person’s blood on your hands, Sudgen. And this one didn’t even get an opportunity to be born yet!_ Knowing his priority was to look after Aaron, he pushed the inner voice as far as he could to the back of his mind and instead whispered softly to Aaron, “Aaron…you’ve done nothing but try to look after people since I went to prison…and now you’re trying to reunite my family…you’ve done nothing but good, Aaron…”

“But…” Aaron looked up into Robert’s eyes, Aaron’s bloodshot and misty from the despair that Aaron had poured out into Robert’s shirt, “…it was me who did the reuniting…if I never did that…she would have been fine, Robert…”

“Then that’s my fault”, a tear rolled down Robert’s cheek, Robert determined to remain the one in control of his emotions, for Aaron’s sake. “I never should have contacted you or them…I should have left you to your own lives, let you live them without my bad influence constantly clouding over you. You should’ve done what I told you to do, leave me…I’m too much of a bad influence on you”.

“But I need you!” Aaron sent a piercing glance right through Robert, shaking Robert to the core as he shivered in its sharpness. “I…I…I don’t want to do my life without you, Robert. I’ve spent so much of my life either being abandoned by the people I love or pushing them away when I feel like I don’t deserve them. Why should I do that with you when I don’t need to, Robert? Please…please don’t leave me, Robert, I can’t take it anymore...”

“Shhhh”, he hushed Aaron, still breathing heavily as he struggled to compose himself after the barrage of tears that had come flooding out. “I’m not going anywhere, Aaron, I’m staying right here…” Robert whispered into Aaron’s ear, Aaron pressing his head into Robert’s chest in comfort.

“But what if this is my selfishness that has caused this? That whenever I do this, people get hurt because of me, and I destroy people’s lives with it?” each of Aaron’s words struck Robert’s heart like the thorn of a rose, delicate but sharp in its delivery.

“You can’t keep living your life for other people, Aaron”, Robert replied softly, begging himself to take in his own advice, or at least to try sounding a bit more convincing. “You have to live for you. Love who you want to love, protect what you think is right…whether or not I figure into the equation, it’s your decision, and only yours”.

“Robert”, Aaron sniffled as he tried once more to regain his composure. “Will you stay with me tonight?” Aaron turned to look Robert in the eye once more, reaching out a stray hand to hold the side of Robert’s face.

“Of course I will”, Robert kissed Aaron’s crown lightly, nuzzling it slightly as Aaron sighed into Robert’s arms. Robert drank in the scent of Aaron’s shampoo, letting himself be lulled by the familiar smell, one that Robert had tried to savour so many times as he laid awake in his prison cell. He lulled himself to a quasi-state of bliss as he tried to bury his deep guilt for his part in Victoria’s accident. The more he focussed on trying to calm Aaron’s tears, he found he was able to fight back his own, pooling both of their strength to fight their demons together. He knew he could fight anything when he had Aaron right behind him every step of the way. Aaron’s belief in him was the unshakeable rock that kept Robert on the straight and narrow. And Robert’s for Aaron’s. They belonged together; of that, Robert was positive.

* * *

They had stayed in that position for over an hour, Robert rocking Aaron slightly in his grasp as Aaron let out his pain and anxiety into the sheets and Robert’s chest. Eventually, as the time ticked on, Robert had convinced Aaron that they ought to get some sleep at some point.

“Where are you going?” Aaron sniffed curiously as he went to remove his jogging bottoms, watching Robert move over to the seat that remained unoccupied in the corner of Aaron’s room.

“I’m sleeping over here”, Robert replied, not looking at Aaron as he did so to hide his disappointment. “I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of you when you’re in such a state, Aaron”.

“You’re not”, Aaron whispered, a half-smile appearing on his crooked lips as he got into his side of the bed. “Please…I don’t want to be alone in my bed tonight, Robert”.

Cautiously, Robert turned around and edged towards the other side of the bed. He slipped his socks off, and unbuckled his belt as he brought his jeans down to his ankles. Swinging around, he lifted the bedsheets and slid himself into the bed, feeling Aaron’s warmth radiate from beside him without even touching him. As soon as he turned over, he felt Aaron’s arms wrap around him and pull him closer, their legs intertwining under the sheets, their noses barely an inch apart.

“I never wanted you out of my life for good, Robert”, Aaron whispered as Robert felt Aaron’s fingers play absentmindedly with a bump in his back. “I…I missed you so much when you were in prison…”

“You don’t have to do this”, Robert murmured, but Aaron hushed him as he continued.  
  
“In all of the relationships I had in between…they were nice lads, we had a laugh…but I could never be me. I always had you going on in the background…hoping to shit that you were alright, that you were surviving. There were so many times I almost snapped, that I almost went to visit you…but I knew I had to focus on accepting myself before I could accept what you did. And then you brought me back into my life…and somehow I can still look past everything that’s happened…

“Then on Saturday, I was standing there on your doorstop, just admiring you and your courage. Falling in love with that stupid apologetic grin on your face…but I felt ashamed, as if I was letting the others down for giving in so quickly. I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to stop myself from going all in on you, for good. Because that’s what it’s gonna be…It’s either all or nothing, Robert…if I let myself be with ya…it’s forever?”

“That’s fine by me”, Robert inhaled, his voice shaky as he felt the fire of Aaron’s commitment on his heart, warming him comfortably as he let himself bathe in his love. This time, it was Robert who closed the distance, taking his free hand as he cupped Aaron’s cheek. He felt a small grin flex Robert’s hand as he pressed it lightly to the side of his face, and he closed the tiny gap between their lips. It started off chaste, small and delicate as they started off small. Slowly, they pressed together, closer and closer, Robert becoming gloriously overwhelmed by Aaron’s warmth. They searched for each other’s hands underneath the sheets, their open palms a perfect fit for when they finally managed to interlink their fingers together. Robert felt Aaron move his knees in, placing his smaller feet on top of Robert’s larger feet for the warmth, their clothed chests pressed tightly together as they deepened the kiss. Robert could taste Aaron’s tongue for the first time in years, the memories of passion and love flooding back to him, automatically filtering out the bad memories as the good ones came to the fore. They pressed their noses together lovingly as the kiss deepened further and further, their hunger to show their affection not wild with lust, but the product of built up affection manifesting itself after such a long time pretending that it didn’t exist.

After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart reluctantly. Robert’s broad grin mirrored somewhat by Aaron’s shy one, the two holding hands tightly beneath the sheets. Robert felt drunk on the hypnotic sensation that he felt as he stared into Aaron’s eyes, glistening in the low light of his room, but nonetheless poignant as they stared into Robert’s soul. Such a look of utter devotion could only have ever elicited one response from Robert.

“I love you so much, Aaron Livesy”, Robert whispered as he squeezed Aaron’s hand.

“I love you too, ya great muppet”, Aaron smirked, earning a small swipe from Robert. “Forever”.

And for the rest of the night, Robert’s conscience was remarkably silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end of Robert's journey or the story - Aaron was probably the easiest of Robert's tasks...he still has a bit to go yet before he's fully redeemed himself. ;) Kudos and comments much appreciated as always! Until the next chapter. :)


	10. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Chas come to blows. Robert and Aaron get more serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I wasn't able to update yesterday. I think the daily updating had taken its toll on me, and I couldn't write this in a way that I was remotely happy with until today. I think the rest helped, so I hope you enjoy this chapter. I don't really know if I've done it justice, so please comment below to let me know what you think! Enjoy the chapter!

“Umff…Robert…Robert…umff…”

“…what…?”

“Stop fucking kicking me…”

“Sorry”.

Robert opened his eyes slowly. The light of the morning outside was kept at bay by Aaron’s blackout curtains, making the room darker than Robert was used to. Nonetheless, he was still able to make out Aaron’s faint outline next to him, Aaron’s arm wrapped drowsily around Robert’s waist. He could feel Aaron’s warm breath softly on his nose, a contented rhythm escaping his slightly smiling mouth and landing on Robert. But more than anything, Robert could feel Aaron’s warmth seeping through every inch of Robert’s body and soul, his belief, his confidence. Aaron didn’t even need to open his eyes to melt Robert’s resistance, his fragile beauty being more than sufficient to take Robert’s breath away.

Despite the cramped nature of the single bed almost forcing Robert and Aaron on top of each other, Robert had undoubtedly had the best night’s sleep since the last time they had shared a bed for the night, during that blissful Easter week before the affair was revealed. But this felt sweeter, more complete. Aaron wouldn’t have to bury his disappointment when Robert had to get rid of him before Chrissie returned; Robert wouldn’t be making the sickeningly wrong decision yet again to fight for power. He had all of the status he needed: Aaron Livesy loved him. That was a status that Robert would go above and beyond to keep.

Robert watched Aaron doze in the dark of the room, the sun doing its best to lick invitingly around the edges of the window. He loved how Aaron’s chest would rise slightly, kissing Robert’s own by the minutest of touches, pulling back and forth like the tide. Not being able to resist any longer, Robert reached over gently and placed the softest kiss he could muster on Aaron’s soft forehead. He lingered as he savoured the great humility that connection with Aaron always gave him. He was well and truly subordinate to his feelings, his determined loyalty to the man who had shown him unquestioning loyalty from the very beginning. Seeing Aaron in his vulnerable state made Robert want to whisper him a thousand pledges, knowing that nothing could stop him anymore.

Aaron began to stir as Robert pulled away slowly, Aaron blinking away the sleep in his eyes. Robert could see Aaron’s initial confusion, lasting for a few moments before he remembered the full extent of what had happened the previous night. He smiled, pressing himself closer to Robert so that they touched noses. Robert always felt a rush of feelings whenever he made Aaron smile; originally he felt as though Aaron was being standoffish every time that Robert would grin and Aaron would remain outwardly emotionless. But as time passed, as a winter fling dragged welcomingly into spring, he noticed that whenever Robert had made Aaron smile, he knew that he had earnt it. Every time since, each smile was worth a thousand Audis, a thousand mansion houses.

“Who let you in?” Aaron commented drily as he stretched his legs drowsily. Robert laughed under his breath, unable to break his silent stupor. “Good morning”.

“Good morning”, Robert whispered. “Nice sleep?”

Aaron nodded, “I really shouldn’t have done the amount of times you almost kicked me in the bollocks”, Aaron added with a wink. “As soon as we finally sleep together again, it’s you fucking occupying the entire of my bed”.

“Sorry”, Robert replied sheepishly. “I guess I’m just comfortable”.

“Yeah”, Aaron smiled. They fell into another silence, content to simply admire the view. Every so often, Aaron would move his foot against Robert’s shin or Robert would stroke Aaron’s bearded cheek with his thumb. They didn’t want to spoil how perfectly they fit together, like two jigsaw pieces lost down the back of the sofa for three years. Now they had it, they never wanted to be pulled apart again. Robert remembered sadly that it wasn’t to be, only just reminding himself that he had to be at work by half past nine.

“Hey…Aaron”, Robert started more seriously, feeling the need to ask Aaron what boundaries there were still left for him to cross. He didn’t underestimate the task he had undertaken when he set to win back Aaron’s heart, and he still recognised the difficulties that laid ahead of them. “I know that…it’s been a hard time getting to this point over the years and…the work I needed to put in to get this far…just let me know what boundaries I still need to respect, yeah? I don’t want to get this far and then do too much too soon”.

“Yeah”, Aaron replied, looking down as he thought. “I don’t know how public I’ll be able to be about this yet…things are still really difficult with you here, especially after…Vic’s…”, Aaron’s smile washed away like floodwater when he remembered Vic in the hospital. Robert felt a smack of guilt himself, being too caught up in Aaron to remember that his flesh and blood could have lost her child by now. “It’s only twenty five past seven, so hopefully me mum won’t be up yet. If you go out now, you’ll probably miss her. I’ll go check if you go get dressed…” Aaron reluctantly took his arms around Robert, Robert feeling the cold air on his, the connection broken. Aaron rolled out of bed, pulling his shirt down over his boxers as he slipped his jogging bottoms on. Cautiously, he edged towards the door and opened it slowly. The seconds dragged agonisingly, Robert praying that nobody would be out there to trip him up just as he had woken up. Finally, Aaron put his head back behind the door, and nodded quickly.

Making the most of his opportunity to flee without confrontation, Robert quickly slipping his jeans back over his underwear and pulling up his socks haphazardly. He got up as he shoved his feet into his shoes, straightening himself up as he walked across the room to pick up his keys, his wallet, and his phone. As much as it pained him to leave Aaron, to leave their temporary sanctum, he knew this was his only chance to flee. He paced up to Aaron who stood by the door, a look of concern twisting his face slightly as he put his arms around Robert.

“I’ll come and visit ya tomorrow”, Aaron whispered, knowing he was closer to the door than before so had to exercise caution. “I’d come over tonight, but I need to visit…y’know”.

“Yeah, I understand”, Robert grimacing, wanting to visit Vic desperately, but knowing how bad of an idea that was. “We’ll text about arrangements and shit?”

“Yeah”, Aaron nodded. “I’ll walk down with you to the door”, he added as Robert pressed down cautiously on the door handle. Robert leaned in to give Aaron a quick kiss, one that would keep him in a blissful state of contentment for the rest of the day. He didn’t linger for long, but he stayed long enough that he could savour as much as he could before he really had to leave. Smiling, he pushed down on the handle once more and swung the door open.

Robert turned and almost choked.

"Mum!" Aaron growled, pushing his way in front of Robert to where his mother stood outside the door. “What do you think you doing?”

“I’m not going anywhere until ‘e explains what the hell he thinks he’s doing ‘ere”, Chas smirked with utter vitriol, not in the least bit surprised that Robert was here.                    

“Why don’t you just mind your own bleeding business for once in your life, eh?” Aaron glared at her.

“No, Aaron!” Chas whispered roughly, just about remembering how it early it was. “There is absolutely no reasonable explanation for why you’ve brought this little shit round here! You were doing so well, Aaron!”

“And I’m doing well because Robert’s supported me!” Aaron hissed. “No thanks to you, constantly telling me who I should be seeing!”

“But there was nothing wrong with Ollie! You were just too blinded by fancy man here to settle down with him!”

“Settle…? I was twenty five, Mum!”

“So?! So you’d rather be with the guy that’s put his sister in hospital because he worried her into a fit?!”

“How was that Robert’s fault?!” Aaron rebutted, his voice rising, Robert frozen in his place, unable to even help Aaron as he felt the world start to close in on him.

“It was ‘im who decided to grovel and lie his way back into our lives! ‘Im who’s been reducing Diane to tears on the stairs, ‘im who’s been wrecking Adam and Vic’s marriage, hurting their baby! Honestly, I don’t even know how you can even wake up in the morning, Robert”, she turned to look Robert directly in the eyes, but Robert was too busy trying to stop himself from fainting on the spot that he almost didn’t notice. “How can you live with yourself when you’ve killed, tortured, lied, cheated, manipulated your way to power? And now you’re back for a second try!”

“Ey, ey, ey, what the hell is going on u- Robert, what are you doing here?” Diane came up the stairs to break up the commotion, doing up her dressing gown as she stormed up the stairs.

“I invited him last night, Diane”, Aaron explained curtly. “I needed some support, I needed Robert, I invited him over!”

“You could have come to me for support!” Chas chimed in indignantly. “You can always talk to me, Aaron!"

“No, I can’t, Mum, clearly I can’t!” Aaron went to shut the door, but Chas stepped forward to stand within a hair of Robert, making him feel more and more light-headed. The bedroom light started filling his vision, the proximity of everyone else making him want to throw up as he struggled to stand.

However, Chas hadn’t even got started. “So you decided to confide in the least-trustworthy man in Yorkshire? The one who killed my best friend, broke my son’s heart, hospitalised his pregnant sister? What’s he going to do next? Burn the pub, nick the insurance? Marry you and then steal the business back? Because you can’t put anything past Robert flaming Sudgen – so flaming disgusting, not even his own father could bear to live with him!”

“Chas!” Diane exclaimed in shock, Chas’s outburst about Jack clearly striking a blow on her as well. Aaron and Diane did their best to calm her down, but Robert had lost all control. His breathing started to become more erratic as he struggled to stand up, stumbling onto the side of the door as he tried to support himself. The concerned voices around him were drowned in a milky haze as he fell further onto the door, his throat drier and drier as the door gave way, swinging back and sending Robert with it. The thud was quick, as was the darkness.

* * *

 

“Robert?” he heard Aaron’s voice through the cloudy void, his eyes shielding the view around him. The swarm of people around him couldn’t filter through Robert’s translucent view, the splodges of floating colour dizzying him as he tried to acclimatise himself to his surroundings. He wasn’t sure what had happened; only his first panic attack had been as violent as this. The sensations of helplessness and loneliness flooded back to him as he tried to recall the attack, rocking him as if he were alone in a vast ocean, threatening waves swinging like guillotines as he floated.

“Robert, pet”, he could hear Diane’s voice in the fuzziness, her voice sounding as if Robert was underwater. He felt as though water had clogged up his ears, and all he could see was a single light above, guiding him back towards a state of quasi-consciousness. He felt a hand hold his head softly, albeit distantly, and suddenly he was floating. He felt weightless as he levitated in mid-air, swooping like a bird across the ground. The feeling, however, was nauseating, suspended uneasily as he fought to control his movements.

Robert landed slowly onto the smooth ground, the light beginning to fill in the lines where blobs used to be. He felt something, smooth as a cloud, underneath his head, and he sunk into its comfort, welcoming the change from the precariousness of his previous flight. 

“Robert?” Robert could feel a rough palm on his cheek. _Aaron_ , he breathed to himself. “Robert, can you hear me, mate?"

“Has that happened before?” Robert could hear Diane ask Aaron nervously, but was powerless to reply.

“Yeah”, Aaron replied grimly, “but never as bad as this. Plus, he hit his head on the door as he fell”.

“Robert, pet, can you speak to me?” Diane tried her best to permeate Robert’s semi-conscious bubble. Realising he had to respond, Robert mustered all the energy he could as he let out a soft groan. Robert felt the same rough palm stroke his hair carefully, and he smiled lightly to himself as he let Aaron relax him.

“I can’t see any cuts or bruises, Diane”, Aaron reported, continuing to stroke his hair as he finished searching for injuries. Suddenly, memories pierced his mind like a sword, Chas’s words sending searing heat through his synapses, snapping wildly as ‘Vic’ and ‘killed’ swirled around his head.

“Vic! Vic! Where is she?” Robert shook where he laid, turning his head violently as if in search for her around the room.

“Shhh, Robert”, Diane comforted him, holding onto his hand as he struggled to settle back down. “Vic called late last night, pet. It was a false alarm, the baby is doing perfectly fine. In fact, she called me to say that she was going to be having a little baby boy – your nephew, Robert”.

Robert succumbed to the pressure to lay still as Diane’s good news washed over him, soothing his mind into submission. He felt Aaron’s thumb caress his ear as he processed what his step-mother had said; he was going to be an uncle, he was going to have a nephew! A million thoughts started filling his mind, ruining the uneasy peace. He wondered how on earth someone so morally bankrupt as him could ever expect to make a good uncle, knowing that he should stay away and have a normal childhood without his meddling influence. But he remembered also that his sister had given him a chance to prove his worth to her and her family; he pondered how much of a chance he was giving himself as he started to control his breathing.

Robert flung open his eyes as he remembered he had to be at work, knowing that he had to make up the time that he had taken off to sort his head. Trying his hardest to sit up to leave, he collapsed sideways onto the bed, puffing heavily to correct the light-headedness that had filled his head.

“Woah, woah, Robert, where are you going?” Aaron’s outline started becoming clearer, Robert looking up into his concerned expression on the side of the bed. “You can’t go anywhere like this?”

“I’ve…I’ve got to get to work, I can’t be late”, Robert heaved as he tried to pull himself up again, once more to no avail. Aaron pulled him up into a seated position, and Robert choked as he ran out of air in his arid lungs.

“You’re not going to work today, Robert”, Aaron told him firmly, taking a glass of water from Diane and pouring it slowly down Robert’s desperately dry throat. Robert lapped hungrily at the clear liquid as he felt its soothing touch against the daggers that bore into his windpipe. “We’ll ring them and let you know you were in an accident”.

Robert was in no position to argue, so accepted the water as it came coming, Diane sitting on the edge of the bed with a worried expression on her face. Chas was standing by the doorframe, Robert unable to decipher exactly what was going through her mind.

When she opened her mouth, however, her stance became very clear. “I’m sorry…but am I missing sommat ‘ere? How on earth can you be swarming round him, waiting on him hand and foot after what he did to ya?”

“It was a very long time ago now, Chas”, Diane replied bluntly, not looking back as she put her hand on Robert’s leg. “It’s time to move on together, all of us”.

“But you know exactly what he was like before, Diane!” Chas protested loudly, her shrill exploding through Robert’s ears like gunfire. “How on earth do you know that that wasn’t some really well rehearsed act so that you’ll just melt like putty in his hand again, eh?”

“You seriously saying that Robert would fake an attack like that?” Aaron growled, sitting up straighter as he looked his mother straight in the eye.

“Why not? He’s had enough practice, bringing out the crocodile tears when really he’s just plotting to get the next big thing out of ya”, she looked coldly, Robert impotent to retaliate when he had such little energy and confidence left in him.

“That was in the past”, Diane turned around where she sat, a seldom-seen glare glinting defiantly in her eyes. “Robert needs our help. If you’re not going to say anything helpful, then I want you to leave the room”.

Chas looked affronted that Diane would side with Robert, but quickly regained her vitriolic smirk as she gazed down at him. “Don’t think this is over yet, love. It’s not. I will not let you come in and ruin Aaron again. He thinks he can control you, control himself, but he can't. Paddy’s not gonna let this go, either, you can be sure of that. Just stay away, Robert”, she added as she turned to close the door behind her, “no one wants you here”.

* * *

 

“Robert, your silence is fucking creeping me out, mate”, Aaron commented nervously as he drove himself and Robert up the motorway in the creaky Fiat. “I’m supposed to be the moody silent one, not you”.

Robert didn’t respond, and just kept his eyes on the road, trying with all his might not to allow himself to slip into the clutches of his thoughts again. He had the window open slightly to keep the air up, and he felt the wind of the motorway flick his fringe as they sped past the Yorkshire countryside.

“Don’t listen to me mum, Robert”, Aaron growled flatly. “She’s blinded by the past, and she doesn’t know what you’ve been through”.

“That doesn’t stop my influence from almost killing Vic’s baby”, Robert murmured darkly, fixed on the white lines of the road flashing by.

“You can’t blame yourself for other people having arguments about ya”, Aaron clicked the indicator as they rode up the slip-road. “Otherwise no one would be allowed to make mistakes”.

“But I didn’t just ‘make a mistake’, Aaron! I killed, and lied, and cheated, and manipulated to save my own skin”, Robert looked down at his hands, not being able to shake the visions of blood that wouldn’t wash away, no matter how much he tried. “How am I supposed to live with myself if something dreadful happens every time I make a mistake?”

Aaron didn’t reply, and instead put his hand on Robert’s thigh, rubbing it slightly with his thumb. Robert felt comforted by Aaron’s touch, but still felt drowned under the weight of his own remorse, the guilt dragging him down into the abyss like quicksand.

“Maybe you should think about bringing these things up with Grace?” Aaron pondered out loud. “These are the sort of things you need to be nailing if you want get better”.

“Yeah”, Robert replied absent-mindedly, bitterly adding that to the long list of things that he ought to bring up with his counsellor. At this rate, they’d next an extra hour a week, amongst the pained conversations about his panic attacks and accepting his sexuality. He looked over to Aaron as they pulled into the parking for his flat, Aaron smiling slightly back at him and brushing his leg again, eventually leaning over for a kiss as he parked up.

“Thanks for driving me back”, Robert smiled as he undid he seatbelt. “Do you have enough time to come in for a cuppa before work?”

“Work?” Aaron asked confusedly. “I’m not entirely sure I’ll be welcome in the office today. Adam’s been mardy with me ever since he found I’d been meeting up wi’ ya ‘behind his back’. ‘M sure he can sort today’s shit out on his own”.

“Yet another friendship I’ve ruined”, Robert looked down at his knees as he heard Aaron sigh.

“You haven’t ruined anything”, Aaron assured him, grasping his shoulder. “Me and Adam will sort it out, we always do when one of us has fucked up. Just this time, it’s him that’s fucked up, so he can come pissing himself to me when he realises”.

Robert smiled as he looked into Aaron’s eyes, feeling just enough energy to get out of the car and onto the cold wet road beneath. “Well then, no excuse not to come in, then”.

* * *

“Are you sure you want to do this, Aaron?” Robert asked nervously as they stepped back into the Punto, having spent the best part of an afternoon watching shitty daytime television and rudely dubbing over all of the poor farts on the crap auction programmes and angry talk shows. Robert had never laughed quite so hard at an episode of Cash in the Attic before, nor had he realised how witty Aaron was able to be when it was just the two of them. It only made Robert’s heart bungee jump further into oblivion, further and further from rescue and onto dry land.

“Well, I’m ‘ere, aren’t I?” Aaron replied nonchalantly, but Robert could scent his underlying fear as Robert got behind the wheel.

“You don’t have to do this, Aaron”, it was Robert’s turn to place his hand on Aaron’s knee, feeling Aaron shaking his leg up and down nervously as he sat.

“Just drive”, came the simple reply, and Robert switched the headlights on as he reversed out of the parking spot and out onto the road. The relative silence in the car was comfortably quiet as an inoffensive pop tune hummed softly on the car radio, but inside Robert’s head was filled with intense debate. It bubbled unsteadily, taking Robert extra effort to focus his eyes on the road and not on what was going on in his mind. He had wanted to keep it in there, knowing that Aaron would be nervous about properly meeting Owen and Alice for the first time, as he did with most people. Eventually, however, it took one snide comment from inside his head to blow it out into the open.

“I’m thinking of ringing Vic to ask about the baby”, Robert blurted out as he braked a little heavily at a red light. “Do you think it’s a good idea?"

“Hmm?” Aaron was lost in his own thoughts, looking out of the passenger window to the night beyond.

“I’m thinking about ringing Vic about the baby”, Robert repeated reluctantly.

“Do it”, Aaron replied simply, not looking from out of the window.

“But don’t you think it’s too soon?” Robert pressed as they moved off again.

“Not if you want to speak to her”, Aaron grunted.

“But then what if Adam picks up, what then?"

“Then just ask to talk to Vic, it’s not that hard".

“But what if she doesn’t want to spe-“

“For fuck sake, just ring Vic, Robert!” Aaron spat, his patience ending as he rolled down the window. Calming down slightly, he added more quietly, “Sorry, mate”.

“Aaron, we really don’t have to do this, we can go home”, Robert told him, concerned. “I know how difficult this sort of thing is for you normally, it’s not something you feel comfortable with –“

“I’m not going through my whole life not meeting my boyfriend’s friends”, Aaron grumbled, then stopped as he looked to Robert, Robert’s mouth curved upwards in pleasant disbelief.

“Boyfriend…?” Robert repeated softly. “Are you sure…? Like…the last thing I wanna do is rush you, Aaron –“.

“No”, Aaron responded firmly, smiling shyly and nodding. “I’d like that, a lot”.

Robert took Aaron’s hand gently as he parked up at the pub car park. He leant over the handbrake and gave Aaron a small kiss, burying his nose into Aaron’s cheek as he savoured the taste of Aaron’s lips on his tongue. “Thanks”, Robert whispered as he moved away, Aaron squeezing Robert’s hand as they parted. “I’m gonna do it now, ring her”.

“It’ll be alright, just remember to breathe”, Aaron placed his other hand on Robert’s shoulder as Robert slowly scrolled down to Vic’s number on his phone. Then, without allowing himself to think about it, he tapped the number and put this phone to his ear. Mercifully, it only took four rings before a croaky voice answered.

“Robert?” Vic answered cautiously.

“Hey”, Robert scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I heard about the hospital…are you alright?”

“Yeah”, she sighed. “Was just a false alarm, baby’s fine. How did you find out?”

“Aaron told me last night”, Robert looked over to Aaron, who himself looked away, clearly still being affected by the guilt. “Diane told me that you’re expecting a little baby boy?”

“Yeah”, Vic sounded slightly more relaxed.  “He looked so sweet on the ultrasound, kicking about in there. I’ll have to show you the scan photos when I see you next”.

“I’d like that”, Robert smiled. “Have you thought of any names yet?”

“Not yet…” Vic answered, although Robert felt as though she was holding something back.

Feeling the awkwardness of the conversation return, he added, “I’d really like to meet up again soon”.

“Yeah”, Vic responded, neither positively nor negatively. Suddenly, Robert could near the unmistakable sound of Adam’s booming voice in the background, Vic putting the phone down to snap back. “Yeah, I’d like to meet up, definitely. Maybe next week?”

“That’d be great!” Robert beamed. “We’ll text to see when we’re free?”

“Yeah. I think I’m being summoned, so I’ll…need to go”, Vic put down the phone to shout something inaudible to Adam again. “Speak soon, Robert!”

“Yeah, bye”, Robert smiled as he hung up. No words were required when Robert turned back to look at Aaron, a mirror image as Robert leant for a few moments on Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron leant his own head on Robert’s, and they stayed there for a few minutes, enjoying the heat that their touch generated before they had to leave for the chilly late-November evening. Stepping out of the car, Robert saw Aaron rub his hands nervously and grimaced as they walked out together towards the entrance.

The pub was busy when they entered, but Robert was easily able to spot the larger-than-life Alice, waving frantically from a booth in the corner, Alice almost spilling her gin-and-tonic as Owen sipped on his lager nonchalantly.

“Robert!” she exclaimed. “Owen told me you’d had an accident! You alright?”

“Yeah”, Robert lied slightly, still feeling a little fragile from the particularly strong attack earlier. “Just needed a day to recuperate before I come back tomorrow”.

“I bet you do”, Alice smirked, Robert not entirely sure what he was alluding to. She looked behind Robert, where Aaron was slightly hiding behind Robert in the middle of the pub. “Hello, I’m Alice”, she smiled, the same impossible grin that had greeted Robert when he first worked at the call centre.

“Yeah, Alice, Owen”, Robert could barely contain his excitement as he prepared himself for what he was about to say. “This is Aaron…my boyfriend”. His chest tingled with apprehension, not knowing quite how Aaron would react to such openness quite so quickly.

“Hiya”, Owen barely made eye contact as he supped a bit more on his beer, clearly only doing enough to be polite. Robert wondered if Owen was having more trouble with their relationship than he was letting on, but he allowed himself to focus on Aaron’s needs that evening.

“Y’alright”, Aaron came around the other side of Robert, coming fully into view for the first time. Slowly, Aaron moved his hand so that his and Robert’s knuckles brushed, allowing the smallest of touches to keep Aaron calm as he put himself out there. Pride in their journey flickered brightly in Robert’s chest as they sat down, putting his hand on Aaron’s leg as they started talking. He was so grateful that Aaron would do something so frightening to deepen their relationship, cementing his love for him to the point of intoxication. Robert returned from the bar five minutes later with a large pint of beer for Aaron – fuck knows would he need it!

* * *

 

“Sorry I dragged you around with me tonight”, Robert apologised sheepishly as he got into the side of the bed next to the wall, passing a mug of hot tea to Aaron as he sat. “I didn’t realise they were gonna ask you quite so many questions”.

“It’s fine”, Aaron replied, brushing Robert’s fingers as he took the steaming mug. “It was quite funny…you and Alice should definitely do something about your knowledge of vintage cars, that could become a thing!

“Yeah, that’d be nice”, Robert pondered briefly, but he knew that money would be the deciding factor – something that had drastically reduced in importance since Aaron had come back into his life.

“I don’t think Owen likes me too much, though”, Aaron added uncertainly as he blew on his hot tea. “I think he wishes you two were a little more than you are…”

“Let ‘im”, Robert put his hand on Aaron’s thigh, squeezing slightly as he looked at him. He knew that there would be nothing in the entire universe that would make him give up what he had the pleasure of enjoying right at that moment. “I’ve got enough on my plate making it up to you”.

“…making it up?” Aaron repeated quietly, his eyes silently begging for a response.

“Yeah…” Robert murmured slowly, the penny dropping as a small smile appeared on his face. “Because it’s going to take _a lot_ of time for me to make it up to you properly”.

“So…so how long…do you think that would take?” Aaron put his mug down as he turned over on the mattress, biting his lip as he looked up to Robert.

“I should think at least the rest of the night”, Robert smirked as he passed the mug to Aaron and turned to look at him. “If not even until tomorrow morning”.

“Oh you’ve got so much more making up to do than that”, Aaron commented drily as he planted a deep kiss onto Robert’s lips, Robert enjoying that Aaron was controlling him for a change. He closed his eyes as Aaron deepened the exchange, Aaron sitting up and taking hold of Robert’s shoulders, slowly but surely getting into a straddling position on the tiny bed. The bed rocked and creaked as they became more animated, as they explored each other in a way they hadn’t the previous night, the way they used to amongst hay bales and the backseats of cars. But tonight was purer, freer. There was no guilt. No unintended consequences. Just two lovers proving their total devotion to each other on a lumpy old mattress on a rickety bed.

Slowly but surely, clothes were starting to be removed, the touch of their torsos like magnetism as they explored what they had missed for so long. As Robert explored Aaron’s body on top of him, he lovingly brushed Aaron’s scars on his abdomen, looking into his eyes as he showed how much he loved him _because_ of his imperfections, never in spite of them. Nevertheless, Robert thanked him silently for being strong enough to resist the urge of the razor edge the night before, not being able to bear Aaron tearing powerlessly once more against his beautifully smooth skin.

The rest of their clothes slipped off them effortlessly as they pulled the sheets around each other. They braced themselves against the cold from the outside world, wrapping each other in a cocoon of comfort and unequivocal acceptance. There was certainly an element of lust, of built up tension and devotion over the years that hadn’t been released; but this was so much more tender and meaningful than they had ever imagined that it could be. They explored each other’s bodies, more and more as they accessed ever more bare skin. They whispered sweet nothings as they rubbed each other soothingly, melting each other’s hearts as they fell further into the emotional abyss. They shivered at the sheer power of their displays of affection, the hold it had over them as they rediscovered the physical connection that they had craved for so long. But it never felt wrong; novel, strange, perhaps. But never wrong. It was the only thing that made sense.

“Aaron”, Robert whispered.

“Am I hurting you?” Aaron whispered back, preparing to roll back off Robert reluctantly.

Robert stopped him before he could, shaking his head softly. “I…I want you on top…”

Aaron stopped as he processed Robert’s words, “S…Seriously?”

Robert gulped as he wondered if he’d regret it, the fear that he wouldn’t be good enough, that he would do it wrong, “Yes…I want you to claim me…for good”.

Aaron chuckled under his breath, “Are you sure?” Robert nodded, and Aaron smiled again, cupping his face as he leant over to the cabinet. Robert fell into a deep sense of belonging, waiting for Aaron to encompass him physically, emotionally, spiritually. He allowed Aaron to conquer him completely, letting himself be totally vulnerable to his presence in his life. And contrary to what he would have believed in his Home Farm days, he felt more secure with Aaron fucking him senseless than he ever did in every business meeting, every family outing, every meaningless love making session. This was home now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, you're not getting a sex scene from me xD Not because I'm a prude in the slightest, it's just every time I try, I either sound really inappropriately graphic or like an encyclopaedia entry... So you'll have to think about it yourselves. ;) Hopefully I can update soon, I definitely have a fixed end in sight now! Please do give kudos if you haven't and I deserve it, and please especially comment so I know where to improve!


	11. Advent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paddy tracks down Aaron and Robert. Aaron and Robert prepare for Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for their kind comments - they always make my day when I read them, so keep them coming in! I actually quite like this chapter, I like that I'm able to get into a bit of fluff that I hardly ever get to write about, so I'll make the most of it when I can! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

“So, tell me how your week’s been”, Grace clicked her pen as Robert settled himself down in the white chair. Robert was still somewhat intimidated by Grace, and still couldn’t help from being slightly aroused by the whole thing, the shimmering smooth legs distracting him somewhat from replying. Nonetheless, he had settled himself into the appointments, feeling more relaxed since starting.

“It’s been…mixed”, Robert began, legitimately unsure where to start. “It’s definitely been eventful”.

“And how’s that?” Grace didn’t look up from her clipboard as she scribbled something down. _I’ve hardly said anything yet and you’re already signing my death notice!_

“Well…Aaron finally trusts me enough to be his boyfriend”, Robert’s mouth automatically flashed a broad grin as he thought about Aaron was doing at that moment; he knew he’d only be in the car reading Adam’s copy of Nuts magazine quite literally for the articles, but even the most mundane of Aaron thoughts brought him out in smiles. “And I think my relationship with Diane and Vic is getting better, especially since I’m going to have a nephew soon!”

“Congratulations”, Grace flashed a professional smile, looking up briefly over the top of the clipboard. "But…?”

“I’ve made things a lot more awkward with my family and Aaron…” Robert looked down as he felt the guilt rise up again. “I stayed over with Aaron a couple of nights ago. Vic had gotten herself into an accident with the baby and Aaron thought he was to blame, so I went to support him. We made up – not like that!” Robert insisted, even though Grace didn’t even look up from her clipboard. “He told me he loved me, and we fell asleep together. Then when I went to leave the next morning, I had Aaron’s mum reading me the Riot Act…and…I just couldn’t take it…I had another attack, a really bad one…apparently I hit my head on the way down as well, but I couldn’t do anything…I was so powerless…”, Robert found himself having to breathe more deeply even then just to keep his head from exploding.

“It’s okay, Robert”, Grace put her clipboard down and fetching him a glass and the pitcher of water on her desk. “Just take a sip of this, you are safe in this room”.

Robert took quick sips to stop the feeling of a sandstorm rattling around in his throat.

“What sort of feelings did you have when the attack started?” Grace asked softly.

“I don’t know”, Robert admitted, wanting to just block out the feelings of sickness that swirled around his mind. “I just…I felt so powerless…like there was nothing I could do but accept the barrage of insults that were coming at me…because all of it was true…”

“Did you feel the same way when you’ve had your other panic attacks?” Grace added thoughtfully.

“Yeah…but those all happened before things happened, like it was my mind taking over and telling me those things myself”, Robert put his hand to his forehand as he thought hard about what he was thinking. “Like before my date with Owen, and when Aaron hadn’t turned up, and when I was going to phone Diane…”

“Do you reckon there’s a connection between all of those?” Grace scribbled something else down on the paper.

“Maybe…” Robert pondered. “It’s like every time I do something to try and repair my life, I have this flood of negative thoughts coming at me and I’m just drowning in this negativity”.

“Right”, Grace affirmed as she looked him in the eye. “Is there anything you can do to try and break out of that pattern?”

“I don’t know”, Robert looked out of the window, the clouds looking full to bursting as he watched the people swarm around the streets like ants. “I mean…I’ve moved on from what I did, or I’m trying to. I can live with myself again, I can trust myself to do the right thing, especially with Aaron’s help. But it’s when I have to confront someone I’ve hurt in the past…it all comes rushing at me, all the possible shit they could give me. I know I’m not a bad person…it’s just everyone else seems to disagree…”

“But you know that’s not true”, Grace countered. “Aaron told you he loved you, Diane and Vic want to give you another chance…”

“But what about Andy?” Robert had clocked over the past few weeks that everyone was doing their best to avoid talking about his adopted brother whenever he asked. He didn’t pry further so as not to rock the boat too much, but he could tell something was not at all right. “What about Aaron’s mum? What about Adam, my sister’s husband? What if I bump into Chrissie again?”

“Well, you can’t avoid them forever”, Grace pointed out, writing something else down on her sheet.

“I just want to be able to override those thoughts…” Robert sighed. “I want to just remind myself that I’m trying my hardest to become a better person, and that some people do love me after all”.

“Then do it”, Grace smiled knowingly. “You’re telling yourself that you’re lost and confused, but you’ve come up with the answers yourself, Robert. You just need to devise a strategy to keep you thinking positively when you feel those negative thoughts creeping up on you”.

“I could…I could count to ten every time something like that happens”, Robert thought out loud. “Aaron taught me the technique to control my breathing for after I have an attack, I could combine the two to try and control myself before anything bad happens?”

“Sounds like a good idea, Robert”, Grace put down her clipboard as she sat up straighter in her seat. “Every time you feel the negativity coming, just count and think those positive thoughts. You are loved, you do deserve a second chance. Aaron loves you, and so does your family. And you’re able to come up with solutions to your own problems”.

“You’re right”, Robert grinned as he went to stand, the hour up. “I can do this, I can sort my life out. And I didn’t need you to get to it!”

“Yeah, don’t push it, Mr Sudgen”, Grace commented drily as she straightened her papers on her desk and went for the door. “I presume you don’t want another session next week then?”

“…erm…” Robert’s confidence dipped a bit, but he noticed the glint in Grace’s eye, and smiled.

“I’ll see you next week, then, Robert”, she held the door open for him as he bade her goodbye. His steps lighter than ever, he walked down the corridor to the exit, feeling better equipped than ever to tackle his demons head on.

* * *

 

Aaron jumped in the car seat as Robert tapped on the windshield, Robert chuckling as Aaron tried to straighten himself up to not look quite as flustered as before.

“You do that every time!” Robert giggled. “I didn’t realise you were into the TOWIE girls”, he added, tongue-in-cheek, seeing that Aaron had indeed been reading Adam’s magazine. “Don’t worry, I know you were hiding a copy of Men’s Fitness behind that”.

“Shut up”, Aaron pushed Robert playfully as Robert put his seatbelt on. “How was the session?”

“Really good actually”, Robert smiled as Aaron pulled away. “We made a lot of progress about the breathing thing, and we worked out some strategies and some positive thinking”.

“Good”, Aaron flashed a quick smile. “Still going back next week?”

“Yeah, I’m a long way from being completely cured”, Robert raised his eyebrows and sighed, aware of the amount of work he had to do before he could be where he wanted. “Thanks, Aaron”, he smiled, grateful for the lengths Aaron would go to in order to sort things.

“It’s fine”, Aaron blushed slightly as he kept his eyes on the road. “As long as you’re getting better, I’ll do what I can to help ya”.

Robert relished the comfortable silence, his love for Aaron seeping warmly through his veins. It wasn’t a crazed, overwhelming feeling like before; this was what Robert hoped normality felt like: companionship, cuddles, and warmth. (And good sex).

“Ooh, Aaron, I forgot!” Robert exclaimed as a thought broke his reverie.

“What?” Aaron jumped, and flashed Robert a serious glance.

“Today is the 30th November, and we don’t even have advent calendars yet!” Robert had been building himself up for his first advent calendar in years, but had completely forgotten in the midst of all of the fuss with Chas and hiding out back in Leeds. Aaron had spent the last week in Robert’s flat, hanging around Leeds or doing solo jobs for the scrapyard whilst Robert was at work and then staying up late together watching shitty movies or being competitive over some game. Robert understood just from Aaron’s troubled gaze one morning that Aaron was nervous about going back to Emmerdale and facing his mother’s wrath and Paddy’s intervention, and had been more than delighted to let him stay over.

“Advent calendars?” Aaron scrunched up his nose. “What are you, ten?”

“And what exactly is wrong with an advent calendar?” Robert barked back, half-jokingly hurt.

“Dunno, just didn’t realise grown adults still had them”, Aaron replied matter-of-factly.

“Please can we stop at the corner shop to pick a couple up?” Robert pleaded, his dough eyes not working whilst Aaron was fixed on the road ahead.

“Whatever, we need to pick something up for tea anyway”, Aaron pulled up outside the corner shop and stopped the car. “Just don’t take too long! I’m not paying for a bloody parking ticket!”

* * *

 

“How is forty minutes ‘not too long’?” Aaron grumbled as Robert finally emerged from the shop, his arms laden with shopping bags. “You’ve bought half the fucking shop!”

“I couldn’t resist getting stuff for tonight”, Robert beamed as he loaded the shopping bags onto the back seat. “How do you fancy a full Indian banquet, the whole works, saag aloo, naans, bhajis?”

“Yeah, good shout”, Aaron pouted. “Now hurry up before we get bloody towed!”

“Not before I give you your present”, Robert smirked, chucking something from one of the plastic bags onto Aaron’s lap.

“You fucking didn’t…” Aaron murmured. “You actual twat, Robert!” He picked up the object in his hand to reveal a Thomas the Tank Engine advent calendar.

“Ah, you would have only moaned tomorrow morning when I’m eating chocolate for breakfast”, Robert replied smugly. “You can always have my Where’s Wally one if you want?”

“I’m sure I’ll live”, Aaron commented drily. “Now get in the fucking car, let’s go!”

Robert acquiesced, not wanting to make Aaron too impatient as they sped away back onto the road. He smiled to himself at the glimpses of domestic life that they were able to experience together over the past week. He knew that it was far too soon to ask Aaron to move in with him, and besides, he wanted to be living somewhere a little better before he did that. But he had really enjoyed all the time he had been spending with Aaron, learning about Aaron’s routines and random habits. He noticed how in the morning he’d brush his teeth before he got in the shower, although one time he had spotted Aaron swilling toothpaste round his gob rather than actually brushing… Robert had also caught Aaron getting somewhat involved in an episode of Come Dine with Me, something that had given Robert ammunition to take the piss out of Aaron for days afterwards. Robert could learn something new about Aaron every day, and it would never get old; Aaron to him was like a childhood book, one so addictive that no matter how much he tried to pace himself, he had to find out what happened next. Robert hoped there was no end, unlike the books he read as a child.

Aaron pulled up at Robert’s parking space outside the tower block, snow starting to fall unseasonably early on the ground as they pulled out the shopping bags from the back seat of the car and took them up to Robert’s flat. Robert noticed Aaron tense slightly as they walked through the car park, Aaron’s gaze fixed on one of the cars parked in the car park.

“What’s up?” Robert asked, the bag handles digging into his inside knuckles painfully.

“Shit”, Aaron hissed under his breath. He turned to Robert uncertainly, “That’s Paddy’s car. He’s found your flat”.

The colour drained out of Robert’s face as he had to face yet another confrontation. He needed to get the food into the fridge-freezer, but the last thing he wanted was to have another argument with Aaron’s nearest and dearest. He tried to remember the conversation he had with Grace earlier, deciding to count to ten as he focussed on the good things that were in his life. He felt the negative thoughts try their best to flood their way deep into Robert’s psyche, but this time Robert was more prepared. He thought of him and Aaron snuggling in his bed that morning, Aaron stroking Robert’s cheek lovingly as they blinked their way out of their slumber. He thought of him, Owen, and Alice at the last Leeds match they went to together, Robert surprising himself with how much he enjoyed shouting along with the rest of them as they scored. He thought about his phone call with Vic, feeling warm in the support and the final chance that she was giving him. He knew he had these things in his life, these things that were independent of whatever could go wrong with Paddy. Aaron would still love him, he’d still have his wonderful friends, and his family would support him. He could beat this.

“It’s okay”, Robert’s breath shook as he responded slowly. “We have to face the music at some point”.

Aaron grimaced, but dipped his head. “Fair enough, we’ll go up. Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you”, he added, putting his free hand on Robert’s shoulder.

Robert concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other as they climbed the cold cement steps. He focussed on his fundamental being, rather than losing himself in ifs and maybes. His breathing got shorter with every step, but he was fighting every step of the way, determined to give himself the chance to move on.

Finally, they reached Robert’s level, Robert’s steps getting slower and slower as they rose agonisingly over the crest of the final step. As they mounted that crest, the outline of Paddy came into view. Suddenly, before Robert could really understand what was going on, Aaron overtook him at the top of the steps and marched forward to confront him.

“What do you think you’re playing at?” Aaron hissed as he looked Paddy straight in the eyes.

“Y-y-your mum was worried about ya…” Paddy started hesitantly, but gained strength as he added, “And frankly, Aaron, so am I. You can’t just disappear from the village for a whole week!”

“Can’t I?” he sneered as Robert finally caught up to him, accidentally making eye contact with Paddy, who instinctively flinched, memories of the lodge and the grain pit evidently not too far away, even now.

“No!” Paddy exclaimed as Aaron put Robert’s key in the door. “You’ve left Adam high and dry – “

“I haven’t, I’ve been sorting out his customers here without having to go into the office”, Aaron corrected.

“You’ve not even told your mum you’re alright – “

“Well, maybe she should have thought about not alienating her only son when she decided to take her anger out on my boyfriend, eh?” Aaron didn’t even look Paddy in the eyes as he marched and plonked the shopping bags on the worktop.

“What…?” Paddy murmured in disbelief. “Boyfriend? Since when?”

“Since a few days ago”, Aaron declared simply. “Problem?”

“Y-y-yes, when you obviously haven’t thought this through!” Paddy tried to reason with Aaron, but to no avail.

“When are you going to treat me like an adult, eh?” Aaron turned round, shooting daggers with his eyes as he addressed Paddy. “I’m twenty six, and still you go around acting as though I’m still that broken eighteen year old kid who couldn’t handle himself being gay. I’ve moved on, Paddy!”

“But you’re still that volatile little kid sometimes, Aaron!” Paddy pleaded. “You and I both know you’ve been close to going back to the razor, what with Ollie and Robert being released!”

“So you’re gonna carry on this routine when I’m fifty, when you’re drawing your bloody pension? When’s the point gonna be when you actually trust me to look after myself?”

Robert had been completely zoning out of the conversation, doing his best not to get involved when he knew it could so easily turn out like the argument with Chas. He decided to focus on himself, on his breathing, on his positive thoughts; Aaron was more than capable of looking after himself in this fight. What Robert had to do was understand that he could break free of the negative feelings and focus on healing.

“But it’s not like that, Aaron”, Paddy stated, Aaron turning back around as Paddy tried to argue his point again. “We’re just trying to stop you from making the same mistake again, getting swept up in the lies and the cheating - “

“So what proof do you have for all this lying and cheating?” Aaron threw back, trying to be as calm as possible. “I trust Robert absolutely, we’ve moved past it, we’re firmly trying to make a good foundation for a relationship by being as honest as we can. I believe him when he tells me things, I let myself trust him. And so far, it’s all come out well. He’s being going through therapy to try and get his panic attacks sorted, and we’re making progress – no thanks to displays like that from you!”

“But what if he hurts you like he did before? How are you going to claw your way out of that?” Paddy asked desperately, and Robert could see for the first time the love that Paddy had for someone whom he knew Paddy regarded as his son.

“Same way I always claw my way out”, Aaron replied grimly. “I’ll have a bumpy ride, but I’ll get out the other side. For now, I’ve made my decision. If you can’t accept that decision, then I want you to do one, before I make ya”.

Paddy began to walk out of the room in defeat, but turned around as he neared the door.

“Do you love him, Robert?” he asked, out of the blue.

To Robert, that was the easiest question he had been asked that day. “Absolutely”.

“100%? Not just for when you’re excited and this is all new? For all of the bad times, all of the dips, the issues?”

“Of course”, Robert took Aaron’s hand as Paddy edged forwards back into the room. “I never want to let him go, I’ll always be there. I promise”.

“And this is what you want, Aaron?” Paddy turned to his surrogate son. Aaron just nodded, but it was a powerful nod, one that finally proved that he didn’t need the constant protection, that he could stand on his own.

“Then…” Paddy exhaled deeply as he walked up to the worktop. “Then there’s nothing I can do but accept that this is going to happen and move on. Aaron, this is going to take a while for me to get used to…but your happiness is paramount to me. And if that happens to involve Robert Sudgen, I’ll accept that”.

Aaron’s eyes glistened as he heard the words he had wanted to hear. “Thanks, Paddy”. He walked cautiously up to Paddy, before the two effortlessly embraced in a father-son hug.

“And I’m watching you, Robert”, Paddy pointed his finger at him. “You take good care of him”.

“I give you my word, Paddy”, Robert replied solemnly.

Paddy scoffed, but said nothing as they moved towards the exit. “Come back soon, eh, Aaron? Your mum will be happy to hear that you are alright if nothing else”.

“Yeah”, Aaron mumbled non-committedly. “I’ll ring you for when I get back, we’ll have a pint”.

“I’d like that”, Paddy smiled. “Well…I-I-I best be off, Aaron. I’ll see myself out. You take care of yourself, Aaron”.

“And you”, Aaron grimaced, waving from the doorstep as Paddy left for the steps, his face shrouded in thought. Robert heaved a huge sigh of relief, incredibly glad that he had managed to make it through the whole exchange without having an attack. Aaron moved up to him as he appeared around the corner, holding him tightly in a long embrace, swinging slightly on the spot as they breathed in each other’s scent. Aaron didn’t have to say anything in order to calm down Robert, who only needed Aaron’s touch to feel safe and secure. He drank in the pleasure, pleased that he was able to make the most of Aaron on such a regular basis, and grateful that he would stand up to someone he had so much respect for.

Giving him a small peck on the lips, Aaron disappeared around the corner again to put something in the bedroom. Robert turned around to put the rest of the groceries into the cupboards. It was only then that Robert noticed that Aaron had leant their advent calendars against the kitchen tiles, both of them leaning on each other. Exhaling blissfully, he stroked a thumb over the advent calendars and gave a smile, before joining Aaron in his bedroom, wondering if he could convince him for yet another mid-afternoon ‘nap’.

As it happened, Aaron didn’t take much convincing.

* * *

 

“Come on, I promise you we’ll be in and out before you know it”, Robert called behind him as they walked into the home improvement shop down the road.

“Why should I believe you today?” Aaron grumbled, pushing the trolley in his wake.

“Because you’re going to help me pick the tree and the decs”, Robert didn’t look back as they walked through the Christmas themed entrance, the aisles filled with anything Christmas.

“Then why don’t we just buy the nearest tree and the nearest pack of fairy lights and just leave?” Aaron suggested pointedly, struggling to keep up as Robert flitted between the aisles, oogling some Christmas themed toilet roll holders. Suddenly his eyes lit up.

“Right, we’re getting the biggest one”, Robert decided immediately as he clasped eyes on the generous selection of Christmas trees on offer.

“But your ceiling is really low…”, Aaron tried to tell Robert, but Robert was having none of it, already getting his hand around the biggest box he could find and placing it awkwardly on Aaron’s trolley. “Fine, what do I know…?” Aaron muttered, out of Robert’s earshot.

“Right, now we just need some decorations”, Robert led the way once more, Aaron struggling even more with the trolley on account of the fact that he could no longer see over the box. By the time a panting Aaron had reached Robert down another aisle, Robert already had his hands full with boxes of lights, baubles, and tinsel.

“What happened to, ‘Aaron, you can help choose’?” Aaron asked, not particularly bothered either way.

“Oh, sorry”, Robert pouted apologetically. “Well…do you think we need five boxes of fairy lights or four? Or how about six?”

“What’s wrong with just one?” Aaron wondered out loud, earning a look of disgust from Robert as he dropped all of the boxes into the trolley.

“Aaron, it’s my first Christmas since I got out, and I never really enjoyed Christmasses with Chrissie”, Robert remembered darkly, the reams of sycophantic family trips and meaningless rituals filling his mind. He shook himself up, remembering that this was going to be his first proper Christmas with Aaron. “I really want to make it special”.

“Fine”, Aaron conceded defeat, his lips curving into a sympathetic half-smile he was desperately trying to hide. “But let’s go to the till now, before you blow all your wages on decs and have none left for my present”.

“Okay, okay”, Robert mock-sulked, his worries about what he was going to get Aaron for Christmas resurfacing. There was no doubt in his mind that he was getting Aaron something, even though he knew he was only joking and probably wouldn’t even mind if he didn’t. But he needed to show Aaron how much he meant to Robert, and wanted to get him something he’d love. Robert had underestimated how hard this was, however, and had spent the best part of two weeks wracking his brains for ideas. Now, with Christmas only two weeks away, he was starting to get desperate.

* * *

 

“It’s not Christmas until you put up all the decorations to all the Christmas music”, Robert noted duly when Aaron had questioned why Robert really needed to dig around for a Christmas Spotify playlist on his laptop for putting up a few fairy lights.

“I thought it was when my mum burns the Christmas pudding and Diane has to evacuate everyone out of the pub”, Aaron commented, earning a small chuckle from Robert as he made his way across the living room back to Aaron, two steaming mugs of hot chocolate in hand.

Kissing Aaron briefly as he handed him his mug, Robert set his down to read the instructions to put up the plastic Christmas tree. “Put rod J6 into branch Z2, and affix twig F3 to spindle B9,” Robert read confusedly. “Aaron, what the fuck does this all mean?” he turned around to see Aaron already having followed the instruction, raising his eyebrow playfully as he waited for the next. Robert rolled his eyes and continued. Eventually, they managed it, Robert glad that he had not been on his own to put it up – he knew he would have made some bizarre Transformers tree, and Aaron would have been pissing himself for weeks afterwards. The tree was too tall for his living room, the top bending slightly as they struggled to put it against the far wall. But it was their creation, and Robert was proud.

“Oh!” Robert exclaimed, walking back to the kitchen area of the living space. “I forgot to have my advent calendar today! Did you have yours?”

“Yeah”, Aaron called from across the large space, opening the box of fairy lights.

Robert opened his door, pouting in approval when he noticed that it was a robin-shaped chocolate for today. He put his down, accidentally knocking down Aaron’s in the process. When he picked it up, it felt suspiciously empty. He opened the next day’s door; sure enough, there was no chocolate. He opened the door for Christmas Eve, which was larger than the other doors – nothing in there either, the foil ripped back.

Narrowing his eyes in disapproval, he walked slowly back over to Aaron in the living space. “Feeling peckish, were we?” Robert raised his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” Aaron replied absent-mindedly, not looking at Robert as he untangled the fairy lights from their box.

“This!” Robert hissed, battering Aaron playfully over the head with his empty calendar. “How could you?!”

“I was hungry, we had no food in, I wasn’t gonna not eat, Robert”, Aaron shrugged, not looking the least bit perturbed by Robert’s half-joking outrage.

“When did you even do this?!” Robert demanded, legitimately sad that Aaron had so been so blatantly nonchalantly at Robert’s favourite Christmas tradition.

“The third”, Aaron shrugged, a small smirk appearing on his face, infuriating Robert even more.

“You _bastard_!” Robert started battering him with the calendar again, Aaron fighting back by pushing him off and whipping him with the fairy lights, giggling as he chased Robert around the room. Robert managed to dodge the whips and climbed on Aaron, wrestling him to the ground as he let go of the fairy lights. “I think I can forgive you, though”, Robert whispered as he leant in for a deep kiss, his anger melting away as the kiss deepened, Robert finding Aaron’s hand to hold as they did.

When Aaron pulled away, he made a mock vomiting sound as he added, “Thanks for making us kiss to _Fairytale of New York_ , now I feel like even more of a fucking cliché than before”.

Robert jumped to his feet, running back to his laptop. “I love this one”, he exclaimed, fingers ready to blast the volume. Before he got there however, his phone rang in his pocket. Looking at the caller ID, he saw Diane’s name flash up, Robert smiling at his step-mother’s call. “Hey, Diane”.

“Hello, pet, how are you doing?” Diane called over the busy racket of the pub in the background.

“Not bad”, Robert beamed. “Me and Aaron are putting up the new Christmas tree in the living room”.

“Sounds lovely, Robert”, Diane replied. “It’s about Christmas that I wanted to talk to you about, actually. What are you doing for Christmas Day?”

“Not sure, really”, Robert answered somewhat despondently. For all of his excitement for the big event, he didn’t have any plans for the big day, wondering whether he’d been having a dinner for one that afternoon instead of surrounded by merry revellers. “I don’t have anything planned yet”.

“Well then, that’s settled”, Diane shouted over the ruckus of the Woolpack.

“Wait, what is?” Robert was confused.

“You’ll come and have your day with us, a proper family Christmas”, Diane confirmed. “Come over the night before, stay with Aaron if you want”.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Robert responded uneasily. “What about Chas? And will Andy be there?”

Diane ignored his qualms. “Robert, if you’ve nothing else planned, I won’t take no for an answer. I think it would do us wonders to be all sat around the table together, it’s the season for goodwill an’ all that. Plus, it means an extra pair of hands peeling the spuds. See you soon, pet”, Diane hung up before Robert had the opportunity to argue back.

Robert put his phone back in his pocket as he looked over to Aaron nervously, Aaron himself looking uneasy as he listened to the conversation.

“What did she want?” Aaron asked slowly.

“She’s invited me round for Christmas Day”, Robert placed his hand over his chin. “She wants to make the most of the day where all the family are going to be there”.

“So Andy’s going to be there?” Aaron raised his eyebrows.

“She didn’t say”, Robert confessed, looking to the floor. “But she didn’t say he wouldn’t be…” With Andy being the subject of conversation, Robert decided to broach the topic again with Aaron, to see if he could get any more answers from him. “Aaron…what happened to Andy after I got sent down?”

“I…” Aaron started, not being able to look at Robert as he thought of what to say. “I really think you should talk to him yourself. He went through a really shit time when you got sent down, and then he moved away to try and sort his head out. I don’t know everything, he didn’t trust me and wanted me to move out of The Woolpack, but Mum put her foot down and he left the village instead. I really think you should talk to him yourself, Robert”. He reached over and held the top of Robert’s hand, their fingers intertwining effortlessly as Robert thought intensly. Perhaps this Christmas wouldn’t be quite so perfect after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's another chapter. The eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that I've added a chapter - this chapter has been split into two, so you get another chapter out of me yet! Please do give kudos and comments as per, and I'll update this when I can! Thanks everyone! :)


	12. Christmas I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert goes back to the village to celebrate Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter I've had to split in two - this fic just won't die! I'm starting to get somewhat worried that I'm making the characters more out of character than is socially acceptable, so if this is the case for you, I apologise in advance. I'm enjoying the story very much, but at the same time these chapters are such a fucking pain to write - they have to be as good as I can get them before they go out, and I'm not sure if I'm writing complete drivel or not. Alas, I will allow you to be the judge of that; comments and kudos are always welcome, so please do keep them coming. Enjoy!

“Now, are you sure I can’t tempt you over my mum’s for Christmas dinner?” Owen asked again as they put the last of Robert’s baggage in the back of the Fiat. “She makes a mean prawn cocktail?”

“Yes, but she’ll automatically assume that we’re dating and then berate you for the entire week about it”, Robert pointed out drily, not turning around to see Owen’s disappointment as he shut the car boot door.

“What about New Year’s?” Alice asked, the snow beginning to come down thicker as they walked up the steps to lock the flat. “We do a party every year and this time it’s at Janet’s – you know how much of a partier Janet is….”

“No can do, I’m afraid”, Robert smiled to himself. “Fully booked that night as well”.

“God you’re boring”, Alice jibed as Robert pressed down on the door to check it was locked, feeling almost wistful to be leaving his castle for a couple of days. It was true that it was crumbling in more than one place, and was in one of the less desirable tower blocks in the city; the flat, however, was the place he could call his own. He couldn’t have said that about Home Farm, basically inheriting it through the wealth of the Whites. And he never had anything particularly spectacular before then. Since Robert had made his new friends and reconciled with Aaron, those four walls had become a sanctum, cosy and welcoming.

“I’ll be back on the 28th for a few days, if you want a proper Christmas catch up”, Robert offered, taking care not to fall down the slippery steps to the car park. “We can do a buffet with Christmas crackers and everything?”

“You can bet on it”, Alice pointed her finger, half-serious. Owen said nothing, and Robert was feeling ever guiltier about where their relationship was heading. He knew that he couldn’t offer Owen what he wished he could give, but he didn’t want to lose him as a friend entirely. He had been the one to pick him up off the ground and give him a shake; he had been the one who had brought Aaron back into his life, and supported all of his difficult decisions. He hoped that Owen would find someone who could make him as happy as Aaron made him.

“Right, I best be off then”, Robert put the key into the car door. Before getting in, he turned around to give Alice a big hug. “Merry Christmas, Alice. Make sure your Nan doesn’t have too much sherry this year!”

Alice laughed, “That’s because I’ll have drunk it first! Take care, Robert, Merry Christmas. I hope everything goes well with your family and with Aaron – you deserve to be happy”.

Robert smiled shyly, “Thanks, Alice”. He turned to Owen, who was trying his best to genuinely smile. “Take care, eh?” Robert almost couldn’t bear to give Owen eye contact, going straight in for the goodbye hug.

“Yeah, you too”, Owen mumbled, taking Robert in his arms as snow fell on their heads. “Go careful on those roads, it’s gonna be quite slippery”.

“I will”, Robert promised, still in Owen’s arms. He moved his head in closer to Owen’s ear, adding, “Thanks for everything you’ve done for me over the past few months – you’ve been an amazing mate”.

Owen didn’t have a reply when they moved back, and just gave a sad smile as Robert pulled away and got into the seat of the Fiat. He put the key into the ignition, and the radio came blasting out _Driving Home for Christmas_ , Robert nodding in appreciation.

“How could you get any more fucking cliché, Robert?” Alice giggled. “You’re sickening!”

Robert booed as he shut the car door and rolled down the window. Owen and Alice moved out of the way as Robert put the headlights on and reversed onto the gritted tarmac ahead of him. The butterflies in his stomach started to rise somewhat, nervous about how the next few days would turn out. Aaron had managed to find out that Andy was coming to the dinner, and Robert had spent two whole therapy sessions trying to dissect his feelings and his fears. He knew that he couldn’t defend himself against whatever Andy had to say, because he knew that it was the truth. It certainly would do Robert no favours with his family to keep denying it. But Robert was most worried about how he’d cope during an Andy attack; he knew that with Chas, his panic attack had been stronger and more intense. He dreaded that he’d make another show of himself at the Christmas dinner.

Burying himself in the dulcet tones of Chris Rea, he absorbed his mind back into the Christmas spirit. He honked the horn and put one hand out to wave at his friends. _I’m coming home, Aaron._

* * *

 

Luckily for him, the snowfall had remained somewhat light, not making the roads too slippery. By the time he was winding his way towards the Emmerdale countryside, the snow had piled up onto the sides of the road, at least two inches. It was the first white Christmas Robert could remember for a long time; although he had fervently hoped for one, it reminded him of the month of his sentencing. It had been just as bitterly cold, and in the days leading up to the sentencing, it had snowed a couple of times. He remembered sitting by the window sill with an Americano from Bob’s, watching the snow fall and melt away like his freedom, his standing in the world. Now that he was out, Robert was more determined than ever to overwrite the negative memories with positive ones.

The village looked resplendent as he pulled into the high street, the cottages adorned with fairy lights and little garden pieces. There was a large tree next to the Woolpack, illuminating the snow-covered benches next to it with a hazy multi-coloured glow. Robert smiled as he ran the car over the gravel round the back, the car struggling to grip as he rumbled over the stones that led to the private parking spots.

“Robert!” Vic called from the doorstep as Robert finally managed to park the car. “I thought that was you I saw when I was collecting the glasses from out front”.

“Diane’s still making you work with you cooking a baby?” Robert raised his eyebrows in shock as he went to open the boot door.

“No”, she replied. “If you asked her, she’d be giving me grief for doing any work at all. But I’m rattling around in that cottage, I need something to do with myself!”

“Fair enough”, Robert wasn’t quite convinced, but didn’t question her as she approached. He held out his arms for a hug, which she accepted. Robert couldn’t help but notice the hesitation and the distance in their embrace, as though Vic was still holding something back, as though she still didn’t trust him completely. Robert was still happy to take whatever affection he could, however; they had managed to rekindle some of the brother-sister banter that had spiced up their relationship before he got sent down, and it warmed Robert to feel that connection once more. “Where’s Aaron? I need some help getting these in, and _not_ from you!”

Vic huffed as she walked back to the doorframe to call for Aaron. Not half a minute later, his boyfriend bundled down the stairs to greet them, although upon seeing Vic he resumed his nonchalant persona, sauntering up to the car boot. Vic giggled and left them to go and inform Diane of his arrival.

When Vic had gone, Aaron put his arm around Robert’s waist and pulled him in slightly. “I missed ya”.

“I missed you too”, Robert smirked. “But it was only four days!”

“Four days I’m not used to being without ya”, Aaron lifted his head as he responded to Robert’s movement inwards, a small kiss breaking out as the snow started to come down more thickly.

“Well, you’ve got me now”, Robert murmured softly. “I’m not going anywhere”. Aaron smiled slightly as he buried his head into Robert’s chest, Robert’s pulse rising upon smelling Aaron’s best cheap aftershave under his hoodie. Drinking in the feelings of affection, he added, “Did you put that aftershave on for me?”

“No, I was trying to seduce Edna”, Aaron rolled his eyes out of Robert’s vision. “Yes, it was for you”. Robert noticed Aaron blushing slightly underneath his chin, and he kissed his head softly.

“I love you”, Robert stated simply in between kisses of Aaron’s head.

“I love you too”, Aaron blushed harder, and Robert gave mercy to his boyfriend by pulling away before Aaron got too soft. “Come on, I’m fucking freezing. What do you need help with?”

“Everything, basically”, Robert confessed, looking at the boxes and the suitcase in the back of the Punto. “Diane asked me to get some of the ingredients and the crackers for tomorrow because I’d be in the city and I’d be able to pick them up. It was lucky it didn’t snow more to be honest”.

Aaron peered into the boot, “Fuck, Robert, you’ve bought half of bloody Tesco!” Rolling his eyes, he took the first box in his hands and marched back indoors. He turned round as Robert called his name.

“Is Andy here yet?” Robert lowered his voice as he went to take a box, looking right and left in case he was just around the corner.

Aaron grimaced, “You’re lucky, he’s only coming for lunch, so he’s not coming over until two tomorrow. Something about a friend’s party tonight”.

Relaxing somewhat, he took the next box and waddled over to the door. The hallway light blinded him a little as he walked slowly up the stairs, the hustle and bustle of the pub permeating its way through the walls of the living quarters. The whole house had been completely decked out; tinsel lining the banisters, little dancing Santas and elves sat upon the hallway table. He spotted some mistletoe hanging above the door to the living room as he stumbled up the last stair. _Might have to misappropriate that later..._

“I think Chas might have other ideas”, Vic smirked, noticing Robert looking at the mistletoe as he placed the box on the worktop. “Gi’‘s that here, I’m sorting through all the food. Diane will be up in a minute, she’s just finishing the dinner rush before people start disappearing. She’s dead made up that you’re coming”, Vic added as she looked down to the packets of potatoes and carrots in one of the boxes.

“And Chas?” Robert pouted nervously, heading outside to pick up another box. “Where is she?”

“She’s out, luckily for you”, Vic didn’t look at Robert as she sorted through the vegetables. “She’s gone out with some mates for the night. Probably to avoid you, to be honest. She’s not being seeing eye to eye with Diane since Diane invited you for Christmas, and since Paddy’s decided to let up, she feels a bit outnumbered”.

“Well, I really don’t want to start any arguments”, Robert assured her. “I want to do my best to make things better so we can move on”. Victoria just smiled at him, unsure how to reply.

“Come on, I’m picking all of these fucking boxes up by myself!” Aaron shouted from the bottom of the stairs and Robert followed, feeling more uneasy than ever as he waited for the storm to come.

* * *

 

The room was lit up only by the Christmas tree lights in the corner of the room and the television as Robert and Aaron sat on the sofa together, Diane sat back in the armchair. Vic had been sitting with them, all of them in stitches as they watched a few comedy Christmas specials together, but had since gone home back to Adam (yet another person he knew he’d have to deal with the next day). Robert had almost felt as though everything was normal; Diane and Vic didn’t treat him any differently than before everything blew up, Aaron curled up next to him as Robert got to see him laugh gruffly at the television. It was what Robert had dreamed of since he had gotten out of prison, what he wished he could experience, what he wished he had done all along. It taken three years, but he had finally managed it.

The late night news started blaring through the speakers on the telly, and Diane turned the volume down as she turned in her chair. Aaron had dozed off on Robert’s shoulder and Diane lowered her own voice when she noticed. “I’m glad you've decided to come, Robert. I think it'll do the family wonders after they've gotten used to it”.

“It's exactly what I wanted, Diane”, Robert confessed, putting his fingers gently through Aaron’s hair as he slept. “I just want to have some sort of normality back in my life, where I have a family that I can be a part of again. I never knew what I had until I didn't have it anymore”.

“Well, there's still a long way to go for some, pet”, Diane sighed as she stood up to walk to the kitchen. “Another drink?” she added, holding up the bottle of posh whiskey she had found in the cellar.

“Go on, then”, Robert called softly from the sofa. “I just don't know what to do if Andy can never forgive me for what happened. I mean, you can't blame him…but just to know that there's a split in the family forever because of me…”

“Ey, there’ll be no pessimism, pet”, Diane walked back over with a large glass of wine and sat back in the chair. “If he doesn't forgive you tomorrow, just give him time. It's the best medicine for any wound, pet – I should know!”

Robert smiled as he sipped at the glass of whiskey, the warm liquid soothing his throat.

“And, for what it's worth”, Diane added, “I think that you’ve proved yourself to be worthy of Aaron”.

“Really?” Robert hadn't expected her to even mention Aaron, even though he was so publicly such a large part of Robert’s life now.

“Of course”, Diane smiled. “When you don't see him, when he’s back here from visiting you, he’s just so much lighter, more playful, more earnest with you. It's like all that angst is washed away and he’s just so much calmer. He’s even calm with Chas, and she hasn't let up about ya since she found you here with him that time”.

“That's another thing”, Robert admitted. “What if I make it so Aaron and Chas’s relationship is permanently damaged? That's just another thing I've ruined for my own happiness”.

“But you never saw him when he was on his own, or when he was seeing those other blokes”, Diane replied, her words stinging Robert as he remembered that other people had tried to win Aaron’s heart since, and Aaron had let them. He was just grateful that he was winning – for now. “He was still just as restless, just as volatile, just as difficult. And now, when you see him, when you talk to him, he’s totally different. You open him up completely, Robert. And if Chas decides she doesn't want anything to do with that, then that's not your problem, pet”.

Robert took another sip from his glass and sighed, “I know, Diane. I just wish I could take back all the hurt I caused everyone”.

“Then do everything you can to make it up to people in the present”, Diane pressed. “You deserve the chance after you've been honest with us about what you've been doing”.

“Thanks, Diane”, Robert smiled genuinely, the void in his heart healing over a little more as he bathed in the unconditional love of his family. Aaron began to stir on Robert’s chest, and Robert laughed slightly as he saw Aaron’s eyes flitter open in confusion. “Alright, sleepyhead?”

“Did I fall asleep?” he murmured, sitting up slowly and swivelling round on the sofa.

“Spark out, pet”, Diane raised her eyebrows, chuckling softly.

“Do you wanna head up?” Robert asked Aaron as he finished the rest of his whiskey. Aaron nodded weakly, and stretched his arms back in fatigue.

“I think it was all them bloody boxes earlier”, he grumbled, standing up and stretching again.

“Right, then, we’re off to bed, Diane”, Robert stood up and stretched himself, before heading over to Diane to say goodnight. “What time do you want us up in the morning?”

“Well, I'll put breakfast on about nine o’clock, so be up for around then”, she yawned in her chair as she sipped her glass again. “Night, Robert, Aaron – merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas”, the boys replied, Aaron yawning again as they left the room. Running up the stairs and into Aaron’s room, it didn't take long for Aaron to flop down on the bed, blindsided by tiredness.

“Fuck I’m knackered, Robert”, Aaron moaned as he took his socks and joggers off slowly.

“Well then, you won't be wanting a quick Christmas Eve kiss before bed, then”, Robert winked.

“Did I say that?” Aaron rebutted, taking his shirt and hoodie off and plonking them beside the bed as he got in his side.

“Well then, just don't fall asleep on me”, Robert warned playfully, finishing getting undressed himself and sliding into Aaron’s bed, the covers warming them up comfortably from the snow outside. He turned over on his pillow and allowed himself to enjoy the view as Aaron did the same. “This is my favourite thing to do with you”, he smiled as he took Aaron’s hand underneath the sheets.

“Same”, Aaron replied simply, pushing them closer as they kissed, their legs and their toes touching as they leaned further in, comfort and warmth pumping abundantly through Robert’s veins. He buried his nose in Aaron’s cheek, and they stopped kissing and stayed like that for a few minutes, Robert closing his eyes as he drowned in the scent of Aaron’s aftershave.

“Hey, Aaron, I don't suppose you fancy your early Christmas present?” Robert teased, the feeling of Aaron being so close making him feel warmer and more excited. “What do you say? Aaron? Aaron?” he reopened his eyes; Aaron had fallen asleep and was snoring softly next to Robert on the pillow. Readjusting as he settled down for the night, Robert closed his eyes as he added, “Bastard”.

* * *

 

The smell of bacon wrapped tantalisingly around Robert’s nose as he stirred the next day, his messy blond bed hair fringe fluttering in the breeze of Aaron’s gently snores. He opened his eyes, having to move his head up slightly to move Aaron’s beard out of his eyes. He peered over Aaron’s fragile form laid next to him, the blackout curtains not quite shut completely. He could see the snow still falling, some of the snow collecting around the window pane. He suddenly remember what day it was, softly kissing Aaron awake as his boyfriend wriggled out of his slumber.

“Merry Christmas, Aaron”, Robert whispered as he kissed him on the nose, Aaron reciprocating as he became more awake. “Our first Christmas properly together”.

“Yeah”, Aaron smiled shyly, moving in for a longer kiss. Whatever Robert received today, nothing could be a better present than what Aaron was giving him at that moment. The feelings of love and loyalty and devotion felt much more real than any pair of gold cuff links or new blazer had done. Robert grinned as he returned the kiss, going deeper and deeper and pulling the covers over the two of them as they rubbed each other’s bodies, warming them up. Robert had started slowly kissing down Aaron’s torso underneath the sheets when a knock interrupted them from the moment.

“Come on, lads, Christmas breakfast is on the table!” came Diane’s call from the other side of the door.

Sighing in sexual frustration, Robert rolled off Aaron’s torso and into a seated position at the end of the bed. “This isn’t over, Livesy”, he winked in annoyance as he pulled a pyjama top over his head.

Aaron sat up behind him and put his arms around Robert. “I thought you were never a breakfast type?” Aaron whined with his perfected pleading eyes boring into Robert’s soul.

“Yeah, but Christmas Day is the only day of the year it's acceptable to drink alcohol for breakfast”, Robert smirked, putting his pyjama bottoms on as Aaron sulked over to the corner for his own pyjamas. “Oh, and Aaron?”

“Yeah”, Aaron turned round from the other corner of the room.

“You're not getting your main present, today”, Robert looked down to his knees.

“You mean you forgot?” Aaron raised his eyebrows as he pulled a shirt over his head. “It’s fine, I'm not fussed”.

“No!” Robert pouted. “It's just not something I can physically give to you”.

Aaron raised his eyebrows again, this time in interest. “You know I don't do surprises, Robert”.

“Well tough tits, you are this week”, Robert smirked as he put a pair of slippers on and headed for the door, Aaron behind.

* * *

“Merry Christmas, boys!” Diane called as Robert and Aaron trudged tiredly though the living room door, Robert leaning in to give Diane a Christmas peck, Aaron heading straight for the table. “I’ve laid on a spread because there are a lot of us eating today, so help yourselves”, Diane added as she handed Robert and Aaron a glass of Buck’s Fizz each, Robert smirking in Aaron’s direction as he took it.

“Thanks, Diane, looks delicious”, Robert nodded as he took a plate and started loading it up with bacon and sausages. “What time is Vic due?”

“Any time now, really”, Diane looked to her watch. “Really need to get the dinner started, and of course I’m opening up the pub in the evening”.

“We’ll pitch in”, Robert offered, Aaron nodding as he scooped a pile of beans on his plate. “Just give us the word”.

“Ta, pet”, Diane smiled. “Now tuck in, pet, your breakfast’ll get cold!”

“Merry Christmas, everyone”, came the call from the stairs, Vic and Adam filling the room with bags of presents and food as they entered. Diane kissed them each as they filed in, putting their gifts around the growing pile around the tree. Robert stood up from the table to kiss his sister and wish her a merry Christmas, but Adam had already walked off to the breakfast spread before Robert could wish him anything.

“Get stuck into the food, Vic, we’ve got lots going!” Diane chirped, clearly in her element as she turned on the radio.

“How did you know I had a bacon craving today?” Vic exclaimed jokingly as she piled on the bacon, Adam chuckling as he hugged his wife from behind. Robert felt a prickle of unease as Adam shot him a dirty look from the worktop, not entirely sure how he was supposed to negotiate a whole day without one row blowing up.

As Adam let go of his wife and sat down in one of the unoccupied seats on the table, Aaron looked up from his seat and at his best friend. “Merry Christmas, mate”, he offered, holding out his hand for a brotherly shake.

“Yeah, and you”, Adam didn’t look up from the television magazine. “Oh, Diane, there’s the highlights of last night’s footie on at three!”

“Ha, fat chance”, Diane replied. “Queen’s Speech is on at three, and we can’t not watch that!”

Adam returned to sulking as he flicked through the rest of the television magazine. Robert felt a surge of annoyance as he noticed Adam blatantly ignoring Aaron’s friendship, even on a day when grudges were to be laid to rest for a day. He wanted to call him out on it, but he had no idea what to say and he certainly didn’t want to be the last one to break the peace. He gave a small glance to Aaron from across the table, who flashed him one back of nonchalance, even though Robert knew otherwise.

Once Robert had finished seconds, he picked up his plate and took it over to the draining board for washing. He looked over at Adam, his back turned obstinately from Aaron who hadn’t moved. His annoyance turned to guilt and sadness, witnessing the souring of such a strong and unconditional love between two friends. Except something had to give, it seemed; it turned out that his devotion to his wife was stronger than his long standing friend, despite everything that Aaron had done to pull him out of trouble. Robert stroked his chin anxiously, knowing there was nothing he could do to repair the damage himself.

Robert didn't have enough time to think too long, with Diane and Vic roping him and Aaron into peeling the vegetables to the blissful innocence of the radio. He allowed himself to melt into cutting the carrots precisely, most of the anxiety that Robert felt dissipating into his concentration. But he couldn’t help the little niggle, that prick of doubt as he carved his way around each carrot, stinging him as he noticed the time tick every closer to two o’clock. Amazingly, he hadn’t even bumped into Chas yet, although Robert had heard her come in about one o’clock that morning, so she was probably still snoozing off her hangover.

Too late.

“Bloody hell, that music is piercing my brain like hot bloody pins”, Aaron’s mother stumbled into the kitchen. “Turn the bloody thing off, would ya, someone?”

Robert turned it down slightly, hoping that Chas wouldn’t notice him in the corner. He knew however that he had absolutely no chance of avoiding her steely gaze as soon as she clapped eyes upon him. What had already been a face showing the wear of a night on the lash had transformed into vitriolic contempt. Her lip curled into a snarl, her eyes shooting torpedoes at machine gun speed as she bore into Robert, her hatred digging deeper and deeper into Robert’s defences.

“Merry Christmas, Chas”, Robert gave an apologetic half-smile, the orange peel of the carrot hanging limply from the knife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that. I couldn't think of a softer way to end it, so you get a rough around the edges cliffhanger. I'll do my best not to split any more chapters up after this, but I knew that this could easily end up at around 9,000 words in one go, so this was probably a good decision! If only NaNoWriMo were in August... Sorry for being a little more rambling in these notes, I'm not sure I've said anything of notes apart from the fact that I'm feeling a bit creatively raw and I'm sorry if this is a bit shit! XD
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading this far, and please do give kudos and comments - they really spur me onto writing more material! Until the next chapter...


	13. Christmas II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The peace is broken over Christmas dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm glad I made these two chapters. Otherwise you'd have had to have gotten through about 12,000 words in one go if I had just posted one chapter. I'm glad people are still finding the characters believable, so thanks everyone for your feedback - do keep it coming in! Hope you enjoy this monster chapter! Thanks for reading! :)

“Huh, that’s about right, isn’t it”, Chas shook her head to herself as a confused Robert watched, struggling to keep the onslaught of thoughts from knocking him to the floor. “I can’t even be in my own house anymore without feeling sick to my stomach. Merry Christmas, Chas, eh?”

“Chas, I really don’t want to –“

“No, I know exactly what you want, Robert”, Chas spat, looking back into Robert’s eyes as she leant on the table. “You’ve got your feet back in with the Sudgens, you’ve wrapped Aaron round your little finger, you’ve managed to silence Paddy…no one is suspecting a thing, eh, Robert?”

“Chas, I promise you –“

“There is nothing you can promise me that will ever be worth any more than your shitty excuse for an existence”, Chas shook her head, almost cackling to herself with bitterness. “When Aaron was with Ollie, everything was perfect…then he realises that you’re getting released and you’re all he can think about again. He was settled. He was happy! They were gonna get a flat in Hotten together, they’d saved up with money from the scrapyard. I thought he was for keeps… But you just had to come back and ruin him again. You’ve ruined him, Diane’s still uncertain, Adam and Vic are fighting…what is it about you and destruction, eh?”

Robert bit his lip, barely managing to overcome the intense burning his mind as more of Chas’s words reverberated between his ears. He couldn’t come back with anything sarcastic, all of his wit wasted away in a prison cell as he struggled to comprehend his own existence. Chas had a gift of making him feel as small and as toxic as possible without even saying that much. But when she started, she couldn’t stop.

“So what are you waiting for, Robert?” Chas muttered, clutching her head with the weight of her hangover. “What are you really after? Who’s going to die this time? How many other affairs have you got going on back in Leeds when Aaron is away?”

“None”, Robert struggled to raise his voice. “Why am I not allowed to have moved on? Why do I always have to remain that twisted bastard that I used to be all that time ago? Am I not allowed to have changed for the better, to actually think about what my true priorities are?” He felt a small spark of confidence light itself in Robert’s gut, struggling to control the odd coolness that seeped through his stomach.

“People don’t like you never change, though, Robert”, Chas replied equally as coolly. “I’m a Dingle, we’ve met enough of them. They just pick people up when they’re interested in them, and drop them as soon as they’ve got everything they wanted”.

“I want Aaron”, he flashed his gaze slowly towards Chas, taking her aback slightly as he mustered together some sort of control. Inside, he was counting regularly to ten, focussing on getting all the way through the numbers when he could feel that sickness rising in the back of his throat. “There’s nothing else I want more than to be with Aaron. He’s the only person who’s ever been able to understand me as well as he has. He’s supported me through all of the problems, all of the disasters. And I want to be there for him, when it matters. Because he is all that matters”.

“I bet you said that to Lawrence when you were marrying Chrissie”, Chas laughed bitterly, standing up straight for the first time as she managed to maintain some balance. “I bet you completely sold it to him, with your words of forever and being the doting husband. How you’d look after him in his old age, take over the business, run it for him, in their honour. I bet you told him how humble you felt to be with the Whites. I bet you told him that you’d never leave her, how you’d love her forever. I bet you’ve told all the boys and girls that fell at your feet how much you loved them, how much you needed them. Well not me, Robert. It ends here. Enjoy today, because you’re going to leave him tomorrow. I want you to tell him that you can’t hurt him anymore, and that you’ll tell him exactly what sort of sick twisted game you’re playing. And then you’ll pack your bags and go back to Leeds, or even better, just keep driving off the nearest cliff”.

Chas went to turn around before Robert replied calmly, “No”.

“No?” Chas raised her eyebrows. “You’ve got no choice, mate”.

“How do you get to that?” Robert responded, genuinely confused.

“Because I’ll make your life a misery until ya leave. I will not stop until Aaron finally wakes up and smells the Americano about you”, Chas added with another bitter laugh. “I love him too much to lose him”.

“Then why are you doing this?” Robert bit his lip as he ventured bravely. “Aaron’s not a kid anymore, he’s an adult, making adult decisions by himself. He doesn’t need you to validate those decisions anymore because he takes responsibility for the consequences. Sometimes he takes on far too much responsibility for things he hasn’t done, but for what he has done, he takes accepts what happens. He knows what he’s getting with me…I know I can’t offer the most security he could have got, but if he’s truly happy, then why are you getting in the way of that?”

“Because he’s been blinded by what’s at face-value, not that venomous streak that runs underneath”, Chas curled her lip as she shook her head again. “One day he’ll figure that out and come running back, wishing he’d never left Ollie for lowlifes like you”.

“But he’d already left him long before we even started talking, Chas. Surely that shows that he wasn’t happy with what he had? Surely you can see how happy he is? Diane’s been telling me how much he’s changed since we got back together, how much calmer he is”.

“You can’t trust what Diane says, she’s been blinded by the light shining out your arse an’ all”, Chas shot back. “What is it that you want from Aaron? Do you really want to stick it out with him? Marry him? Be _his_ doting husband?”

“I would be honoured, Chas”, Robert murmured, the word ‘husband’ echoing through all parts of him like a cave. He wished fervently that one day Robert would finally be able to call Aaron his husband and stick it out with him for better and for worse. “But whatever happens between us…I…I think the more you lead this smear campaign against me, the more you’re going to push him away…”

“How dare you!” Chas marched up to Robert, her face mere inches away from Robert’s. “How dare you swan in here and give me parenting advice for someone you barely know! You don’t know where Aaron’s been, the shit he’s had to go through to get to where he is today! If you knew exactly what we had to go through, you would have let him be years ago! You’re nothing but a selfish, pig-headed, delusional, conniving little cu-“

“I was only gone five minutes and you’re already sticking your fucking oar in!” Robert let go of his breath shakily as he heard Aaron hiss from the other side of the room.

“Oi, language! I’m still your mother!” Chas barked as Aaron pushed past her and up to Robert.

“No you’re not, not at the moment”, Aaron rebutted sharply, Chas’s mouth dropping as he spoke. “A mother would accept my decisions even if she didn’t agree with them. I don’t need your babying over me anymore, I can accept the consequences of what I choose to do. It might be tough, but I’ve muddled through before and I can do it again. Paddy’s doing his best to give it a go…I don’t know why you can’t do the same”.

“But…Aaron…” Chas was for once dumbstruck. “You can’t say that…I’ve seen what happens with types like Robert…I know…”

“No you don’t, Mum”, Aaron shut her off coldly, sneering as he got closer to her. “You don’t know how this will turn out. I don’t know how this is going to turn out. But I need to give it a try. It’s what I want. And until you actually get that into yer thick skull, I don’t want ya in my life. Leave me alone”. With that, Aaron turned on his heels and faced the wall, picking up a knife to peel more potatoes. Robert stayed rooted to the spot, watching vaguely as Chas’s face fell to the floor, unable to find the words to convince her son to change her mind. Flashing one more loathing look at Robert, she turned and left the room, clutching her head.

Robert stayed fixed to where he was standing, wondering what had happened. He didn’t know whether to feel guilty or totally in awe of Aaron’s strength. He felt Aaron loop his right hand fingers between his own slowly, Aaron rubbing his thumb softly over the top of Robert’s hand. Robert turned around slowly, trying to look for the words to describe how he felt.

Aaron just grimaced and squeezed Robert’s hand. “Are you gonna actually peel these or just stare at me?”

* * *

 

Once the mammoth task of peeling and chopping all the vegetables had been completed, Diane set to work on the cooking, thanking the lads for their help as she swept them away from the work station. Taking the hint, Robert tapped on Aaron’s shoulder, asking if he wanted some fresh air. Nodding, Aaron led the way down the stairs, the tinsel tickling their hands lightly as they walked silently to the back door.

“I’m gasping for a fag”, Aaron confessed as he put his hood over his head, the snow much lighter than before. They’d still managed to get about eight inches overnight, however. “I’m fucking tense and I need loosening up”.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smoke”, Robert chuckled quizzically as he crunched through the snow and held his arms around Aaron, Aaron sinking his head underneath Robert’s chin.

“I gave up years ago”, Aaron explained. “Rank habit, dunno why I really started. I stopped when I met Ed. Y’know, sports type, didn’t want me clogging up his lungs. Felt so much less clogged up myself afterwards, but it doesn’t stop me from gagging for something to relax me…”

“Well…y’know…” Robert began silkily. “I think I can help there…”

“You’ll have to show me later”, Aaron smirked, getting Robert back for not being more rebellious before breakfast. Robert just squeezed him tighter, his boyfriend not resisting.

“I’m sorry for what happened”, Robert began, not certain how to explain himself for retaliating to Chas like that – even if for once he felt like he was on much firmer ground than before.

“Nah, don’t”, Aaron hushed him, holding onto the hand Robert was holding on his stomach. “She’s had it coming for a few weeks now…just going on and on at me about you, telling me to listen to Paddy, telling me to ignore Diane…I’ve been as patient as I could, but she wasn’t getting the message. And I have to make a decision about what makes me happy…and you win out”.

Robert didn’t have anything witty or sharp to reply with, simply holding Aaron in his arms as he struggled to hold his emotions. He had felt as though he had been far too liberal with showing his emotions sometimes, but Aaron telling him everything he had been dying to hear, everything that made him feel validated and necessary. He kissed Aaron lightly behind the ear, rocking him gently back and forth on the spot. He struggled to keep his emotions from flooding out, feeling a little overwhelmed that someone would show such loyalty to someone who had abused it so much in the past.

“You’re for keeps, right”, Robert assured him, hoping that Aaron knew that he wasn’t going to screw up his last chance. “There’s nothing that could happen to me that would make me want to live life without you next to me every step of the way”.

Aaron hushed him again. “I trust ya”, he replied simply. They stayed swaying on the spot, letting the flakes land around them as they lost themselves in their own company, their own scent, their own touch. Time flew past them like a hurricane, swirling around them with the pair locked in its eye, calmness inside an intensity they longed to leave behind. They repelled the cold like Teflon, their bodies a glow of comfortable warmth as they rocked silently to the collective beat of their hearts together.

As sickly as Aaron would say such an experience would be, Robert could see in Aaron’s delicate expression how much such open expressions of his love meant to him. He saw Aaron’s closed eyes as Aaron drowned himself in the affection, falling deeper and deeper from safety. He saw Aaron’s lips curve into the smallest of smiles, so minute only people that had studied Aaron for long enough could notice. Robert wasn’t sure how it could be, but those miniscule lifts in Aaron’s expression were the greatest of victories. Sex was sex. Kissing was kissing. But smiling was something Aaron could only do alone; when a rare grin escaped his boyfriend’s tender lips, Robert could feel the Earth swallowing him whole, the cosy heat of its core warming him just so that he could bathe in its deliciousness for eternity. There was no need for words, verbal declarations of eternal affection; there were no words for their state of demi-nirvana. It was more like a painting, a symphony of senses working together in a soft harmony, intoxicating those experiencing it in a confused haze of bliss.

Sighing, they regained consciousness from their comatose state, the cold starting to batter them once more as the hurricane past through them. A flood of thoughts came back to Robert, thoughts of uncertainty, of fear. But when he looked into Aaron’s eyes as his boyfriend turned to look at him, he felt a tight grip on his inner sickness. It was still there, doing its best to strangle him into submission, but Aaron had caught it. As long as he knew Aaron still believed in him, he would believe in himself.

Mechanical grunts and crushed gravel interrupted their world sharply, the gravel scraping along Robert’s eardrums as he turned to face what had broken their peace. The knot in Robert’s gut returned, the harsh words starting to filter through the barriers he had erected. He could feel his breathing starting to become hoarser, focusing on the counting in order to regain some control. Robert looked up; a pair of wellington boots emerged from the Land Rover that had parked up. Hauling themselves out of the four-by-four, the rest of the body emerged, quickening Robert’s frantic heart as he battled with his own conscience.

“Andy”.

* * *

 

Robert was sat on the sofa, feeling like a total spare part as the rest of his family made a fuss of his adoptive brother, arms laden with even more gifts and food. Andy had blindsided Aaron and Robert completely as he walked in, save for a very curt nod as he walked past. As far as Andy was concerned, Aaron was thoroughly complicit in Katie’s death, letting her become the village pariah as she uncovered more and more of the truth. Aaron had put his hand on Robert’s shoulder to let him know he was right behind him, but he could sense the uneasiness in Aaron’s grasp, as if Aaron didn’t quite believe his sincerity himself.

Diane and Vic cooed around Andy as he told tales of what he had been up to recently, after the profuse apologies for not ringing as often as he had promised. He told them excitedly about the new farm he had a controlling stake in, the new opportunities that come up, the new people he had met. Adam joined in, throwing the odd dirty glance at Aaron who was sat in the armchair, trying to avoid the action. They had almost managed to escape to Aaron’s room, but Diane had caught them and brought them down to face the music. Andy hadn’t even shown any interest in even saying hello to his adoptive brother, which made Robert even more anxious for when the moment would eventually come.

Every so often, he would hear Diane try to make small hints that Andy should go over and say hello, name dropping him when it was relevant to the conversation or nodding in his direction to make Andy see. But it was clear that Andy had expected all of this as soon as he had entered the door, not even entertaining the thought of his brother’s and his brother’s boyfriend’s existence for Diane’s benefit. One time Robert made eye contact with Vic, Vic shooting back an apologetically awkward glance back as she replied to something Andy had said.

“Oh, that’s the turkey ready!” Diane exclaimed as the kitchen timer buzzed on top of the microwave. “Everyone sit around the table, this will be ready in a few minutes. Let Chas know that it’s on the table, if anyone knows where she is?”

Vic got up and shouted up the stairwell, returning into the room as she said, “She said she’ll be down in a minute”.

The table had been enlarged to fit everybody round it; Vic returned to the table and sat down next to Andy at the end, Adam sat the other side of her. Then there were two empty seats for Chas and Diane, and then Aaron and Robert sat on the other side of the table, directly opposite from where Andy and Vic were sitting. Andy was doing his best to look in any direction other than his brother’s, but Adam sat with an unapologetic disapproving face fixed firmly on the boys.

Chas interrupted the tense silence as she made her way slowly through the door, her eyes puffy and her demeanour sullen as she sat herself down next to Adam.

Diane turned around and caught a glimpse of Chas as she did. “Chas, pet, are you alright?”

“Fine”, Chas had no effort to retort in her usual cutting manner. “Bastard combination of a cold and a heavy night last night, ‘s all”.

Diane made an uncertain face, but let it go as she brought the plates around, placing them down one by one before going to find the bottle of prosecco to fill everyone’s classes up. She sat down in her seat, acutely noticing the awkwardness of the group. She raised her glass hopefully, and smiled, “Merry Christmas, everyone!”

“Merry Christmas”, came the monotonic reply.

“Isn’t everyone going to pull their crackers then?” Diane prompted. “’Ere, give us a pull, Chas!”

Chas gave the limpest of efforts as Diane pulled the other side of the cracker, Diane winning as the hat, the joke, and the prize dropped out of the centre with a bang. Chas looked thoroughly unimpressed as she returned to her Christmas dinner, scooping the Brussel sprouts around the plate.

Breaking the silence, Adam and Vic turned to each other to pull Adam’s cracker, giggling together as Adam put as much force as she could muster into opening the cracker – he still lost. Robert turned to Aaron and held out his for Aaron to pull.

“Come on, you know you want to”, Robert smirked as he managed to melt Aaron’s nonchalance. Aaron flashed a reluctant glance at Robert and pulled on Robert’s cracker, the objects inside flying at Aaron as he won. Scowling, Robert picked up the fuchsia paper hat and popped it on Aaron’s hand, his boyfriend looking even less impressed when Robert presented him with the sewing kit he had won out of the cracker.

It wasn’t long before everyone had settled down to eating after the brief interlude with the crackers; Diane’s tactics had failed to settle the tension fizzling around the room, however. The tension was stiflingly muggy, itching at Robert’s neck as he tried to brush it away, refusing to take off his Christmas jumper. Every so often Robert would accidentally catch Adam or Andy’s eye when looking up, Adam returning a dark one and Andy pretending he wasn’t there.

No one dared to speak as they cleared their plates, the scraping of the cutlery praise enough for Diane as every last scrap was eaten. Whilst some sipped awkwardly at their prosecco, Diane was determined to animate their family Christmas dinner before Andy went go home.

“Come on, let’s do the charade prompts on the bottom of the jokes”, Diane suggested to Adam and Chas’s deep groaning. “Oh don’t be so boring! Robert you go”, Diane offered, raising her eyebrow slightly as if in code for something that Robert wasn’t aware of.

“Erm…” Robert looked down at his piece of paper, _Midsomer Murders_ written along the bottom. Squinting his eyes as he rued his luck, he showed his paper to Diane and whispered to her, “I really don’t think that’s a good idea”.

“Ah, yes”, Diane took Robert’s paper awkwardly, but as she put it on the table beside her, Adam swooped over from the other side and took a look, scoffing as he peered round to Robert.

“ _Midsomer Murders_?” Adam scoffed. “That one would have been easy for you, you could have just mimed pushing someone through a barn floor!”

“Adam!” Vic hissed. “What the hell was that for?” Vic looked round to Andy beside her, his gaze clouding over like a summer storm, saying nothing.

“I can’t sit here anymore and just pretend that we’re a big happy family”, Adam dug his heels in, Vic’s gaze hardening in response. “Robert just picks people up when he’s lonely and then drops them again, and Aaron’s a mug for falling for it. That’s not even talking about what he’s done to Andy”.

“But that was a long time ago”, Diane turned to face Adam, steely in her response. “We can’t go on forever not talking about the past and getting over it – as a family”.

“Well I don’t want to be part of it”, Adam curled his lip. “Not Robert or Aaron”.

“Have you forgotten what Aaron’s done for you?” Chas rasped unexpectedly. “When he bailed you out and went on the run for something he didn’t even do? Constantly looking out for you? And you repay him by just abandoning him?”

“You’ve changed your tune”, Adam turned his nose up.

“No, I’m defending my son”, Chas matched his expression inch for inch.

“Why do you have to do this every time, Adam?” Vic shook her head. “Why can’t you just leave it alone, accept my decision?”

“Because it was _him_ that almost made you lose our boy!” Adam sneered, pointing at a hapless Robert from across the table.

“But we didn’t lose him”, Vic started to raise her voice, exasperated by Adam’s stubbornness. “And that wasn’t Robert’s fault, it was yours for not trusting me to make my own decisions!”

“Are you seriously blaming me for trying to protect you?” Adam was incredulous at such an accusation.

“Yes, I am”, Vic barked as she stood up from the table. “I don’t need protecting, Adam! I’m going for a lie-down, Diane, thanks for the dinner”. She swept out of the room, the door shutting behind her.

“Oh come on, Vic!” Adam moaned, getting up to follow her out of the room, flinging the door back open as he ran up the stairs to the guest room.

Andy shook his head, unable to even look in Robert’s direction a moment longer. Thanking Diane, he walked out of the room and off to who-knows-where.

Diane sighed heavily as she moaned softly, “We haven’t even had the puddings yet”.

Robert stood up immediately, not able to stomach tearing his family apart any further. “Diane, I’m gonna head back to Leeds”, he decided. “I can’t sit here anymore and ruin everyone else’s Christmas, this was a mistake”.

“Robert, you can’t”, Diane protested limply. “Come on, you’ve come all this way, you can still make things better”.

“I really can’t, Diane. Adam’s never gonna let up, which is going to break their marriage. Andy can’t even bear to acknowledge my existence. I’m just upsetting people by being here, I’ll call you when I get back”.

“Please don’t do this, Robert”, Diane pleaded, but Robert had already headed towards the living room door and out, forcing his way through his emotions as he marched to Aaron’s room, stuffing clothes haphazardly into his suitcase and rushing out of the door. He bumped into Aaron as he exited the door.

“You don’t have to do this, Robert”, Aaron tried to persuade him, but Robert pushed past him, carrying his suitcase down the stairs as he just about heard Diane’s sobs from the living room. “You’ve had a drink anyway!”

“I’ve had two Buck’s Fizz”, Robert rolled his eyes. “I’m hardly over the limit”.

“Well at least let me get ready!”

“No, you need to stay here”, Robert pressed, Aaron’s face falling further. “You need to sort things out with Adam, you don’t need to be around a liability like me at the moment”.

“Robert, I’m not letting you go back on your own”, Aaron growled. “Fucking stay here, I’ll be two seconds”.

Robert heard Aaron’s bedroom door shut and rushed down the stairs, through the hallway and out into the chilly winter air. Not allowing himself to focus on anything but getting back to Leeds, he gave one apologetic glance to Aaron’s room, threw his suitcase onto the backseat, clipped himself in, and sped out of the drive, flashing past the Woolpack as he drove up the high street.

Trees and bushes sped past as Robert picked up speed through the countryside, the radio antagonising him with stupid naïve pop songs. The streets and roads were completely empty, every other family being functional enough to actually get through a Christmas dinner without wanting to kill each other. He rose over a crest in the road as he saw the signs for Hotten flash past, focussing on his route rather than his thoughts.

A man in the road caused Robert to jump on the brakes, smoke billowing from the battered tyres of the Fiat as he struggled to slow down in time. He wound down the window and threw his head out of it, shouting, “What the fucking hell are you playing at?!”

The man turned around.

“Andy?” Robert dropped his voice, hoarse with realisation. Andy wasn’t even wearing a coat as the light snow continued to fall, his muscular bare arms fighting against the bitter cold air. His face was gaunt, memories haunting him as he wandered through the fields he used to work on, the fields he almost managed to buy off Robert.

“Running away again, are we?” Andy murmured audibly, Robert’s face burning with shame as he felt his brother’s scorn emanating from down the road.

“I wasn’t doing anyone any favours being there”, Robert replied solemnly. “What are you doing out here? Why aren’t you wearing a coat? It’s freezing!”

“I don’t need your sympathy, Robert”, Andy rasped, the weight of grief heavy on his shoulders. “It meant nothing before, it means nothing now”.

“At least let me take you back to the village?” Robert offered hopefully.

“No, I’m fine here”, Andy turned back to face the road.

“I’m not taking no for an answer”, Robert was resolute. “Get in the car. Please?”

Andy turned around. After an eternity, he let his shoulders sag and stepped cautiously towards the car, opening the passenger side door as Robert put his hazard lights on.

“Go on then, drive”, Andy ordered emotionlessly.

“Not until we’ve had a chat”, Robert’s breath shook again.

“I don’t want to have a chat, I want to go back to the Woolpack and for you to not be here”.

“Andy…I can’t bare this anymore…I can’t live with myself splitting up this family, I need to sort it out”, Robert put his hand to his forehand, feeling the sweat drip nervously from his head.

“Then why don’t you just leave us alone?” Andy rumbled.

“Because I really want the chance to prove myself, prove that I belong in this family, prove that you can rely on me”, Robert pleaded.

“There’s nothing you can say or do to prove yourself to me”, Andy pushed his thumb to the corner of his eyes to wipe away the tears. “Just leave us alone”.

“Us…?” Robert repeated before he could stop himself. “Us? You’ve buggered off to god-knows-where, you don’t even phone home that much…and I have to leave all of them alone because of someone who doesn’t even live there anymore?”

“I never would have had to leave if it weren’t for you!” Andy hissed, still refusing to look at Robert. “If it weren’t for you, I’d be living on that farm, with my wife, like we planned. Like we deserved. And you took that away just because you could. Just because it didn’t suit you”.

“I know”, Robert was struggling to halt the foaming tears in his eyes, his hands shaking on the steering wheel as his guilt consumed him once more. “I can’t undo anything that I’ve done…all I see when I wake up in the morning is Katie, everything that happened…I just want to be able to do something…anything…to put something right”.

“When you bring someone back from the dead, let me know”, Andy answered bitterly. There was a silence, sharp like thorns on a rose, scraping along Robert’s mind as he struggled to contain his anxiety building up inside. “What did you do when she died?” Andy asked suddenly.

Robert closed his eyes, the image clear as day before him as he relived those moments in the barn. “I could barely stand up properly”, Robert swallowed. “I saw her face, the horror still etched her face from when she fell. I just wished that I hadn’t pushed her…it’s not like I knew it was unstable, I just wanted her to be quiet…but it’s been almost four years and it’s still one of the first things I think of when I wake up…it’s impossible not to…I look at my hands and I think about how I was the last one to touch her…how I could have saved her…”

Andy said nothing, just stared ahead of him. He didn’t shed a tear, he didn’t shake, he didn’t sniffle. He just stared blankly down the country road. How Robert wished he could get inside Andy’s head, just to know there was a whisker of hope that Andy could move on, at least give him a chance. Eventually, he murmured, “I can’t forgive you. Not yet. I know you didn’t intend to kill her. I know you’ve served your time, tried to build yourself back up. But you killed the love of my life. My brother, the one who I thought I could trust the most after Dad died. How am I supposed to just look past that as if it didn’t matter?”

“I’m not asking you to”, Robert whispered loudly. “I know things can never be the same, too much has happened between us, more than the others. But given time…maybe we can salvage something?”

Andy exhaled deeply, “I don’t know, Robert. We’ll see. I can’t promise anything, because you broke me so much. I had to leave all my family just to get my head straight. I need to think about things…let things happen naturally. I won’t be around that much, so it gives both of us some space. Besides, I think you have more of a problem with Adam than me, it was him giving you all that earlier”.

“I know”, Robert grimaced. “I can’t tell you how much it means…just a slither of hope is better than none”.

“Just don’t expect anything of me”, Andy shook his head. “I’m promising you nothing”. Robert grimaced, still not able to look Andy in the eye, despite his gratitude. “Can we drive back now?”

Nodding, Robert turned the ignition and set off slowly, the weight of contemplation slowing his reactions as they drove back.

* * *

 

Robert was persuaded to stay that night, Chas keeping well out of the way and Adam promising not to stir any more of the past during Robert’s stay. Andy left that evening, promising to visit a little more often and flashing a cryptic look to Robert as he left. They had unwrapped their presents that evening, Aaron having gotten Robert a trackday with an Audi R8 at Silverstone. Aaron smirked, telling Robert how he knew how much Robert was missing his cars since he left Chrissie. Robert had tried to protest to Aaron that he wasn’t, that he had gotten used to his Punto, but Aaron knew that wasn’t necessarily true. Robert had missed the grunt and grip of his old Audi, how he could blast through the countryside in comfort and power. He had gotten used to his Punto, but it wasn’t the same. He kissed his boyfriend on the cheek as he held him in his arms, Aaron shrinking shyly but not hiding away as he nuzzled back. Robert could see Vic biting her lip softly out of the corner of his eye, wondering if she was finally softening properly as she saw how much Robert really loved Aaron.

They had also managed to get through Boxing Day unscathed, all of them going outside to play in the thick snow, getting snowballed and making snowmen. Aaron had told him afterwards how Adam had started a snowball fight with him whilst Robert was talking to Diane and Vic. It had started off viciously, true aggression in their launches as they fought on the hills. One time, however, Adam had missed ridiculously, and Aaron couldn’t help but belly laugh as he pummelled Adam into submission. Aaron told Robert that afterwards, they sat out looking over the village together, explaining where they were coming from and trying to find a solution. Eventually, they managed to find some common ground, and had managed to walk back together on a much better note than they had left – even if Adam was still no more sold on Robert’s redemption abilities than before.

Robert eventually returned to Leeds, feeling a little more optimistic that he could win people around in the end. Even Chas was able to keep her mouth shut and act civilly, Aaron’s chilling warning evidently affecting her. He was excited to see his friends again, although Robert was more nervous than ever about interacting with Owen; late Christmas Night, he had received a simple message from Owen: _Merry Christmas, hope you had a nice day xxxx_. Robert had replied _You too, Merry Xmas xx_ (only Aaron deserved more than two kisses), but he knew that he wouldn’t have texted Owen unprompted. He wasn’t sure whether he would have to cut back the amount he would speak to Owen in order to let things calm down. However, when they had their own Christmas party on the 29th, things had been remarkably platonic for the amount of alcohol they had consumed. Robert remained cautiously optimistic that maybe a line had been drawn.

New Year’s Eve rolled around quickly, Robert waking up particularly early in order to get ready to pick up Aaron from Emmerdale. Packing his suitcase once more the night before, he leapt from his bed, showered quickly, got dressed and breakfast, and left. Before he left the flat, he looked at himself in the mirror, a small smile escaping as he looked at someone who he was happier to live with than before. He knew he was about to do a lovely thing to bring in the New Year how he wanted to – in the arms of his boyfriend.

The sunlight was still struggling to make its way above the hills as he sped down the motorway to the village. The world was waking up slowly, but Robert was absolutely alert, not letting anything ruining his surprise this time. Once had been enough.

Aaron was already waiting at the door when Robert pulled up that morning, overnight bag in hand as he put his hood down.

“Why the fuck do I have to be up at the fucking arsecrack of dawn?” Aaron grumbled, a large yawn escaping him as he put his overnight bag in the boot.

“Because we need to beat the traffic and get there ASAP”, Robert hurried Aaron into the passenger seat. “And it’s ten o’clock!”

The journey down had been filled with Aaron’s constant moaning, reminding Robert how much he hated surprises as he tried to decipher where they were heading through the road signs. The sun rose further in the sky as the pair travelled further south, the bickering dying down as Aaron gave up on finding out, accepting his fate. His interest peaked again somewhat as they reached the capital, Robert driving them further towards the bright lights and tall buildings.

“What are we doing here?” Aaron’s annoyance had melted into genuine curiosity. The landmarks flew by as Robert kept driving, an enormous grin beginning to appear on his face as his surprise was about to be revealed. They crossed the Thames, Aaron putting his head out of the window to get a better view of the history that surrounded them. Strangely, it had surprised Robert to see that Aaron was so excited by his surrounds; Aaron was a borderline southern-phobe at times, always telling Robert how he hated his trips down south to deal with clients and suppliers down there. But here, Aaron was looking around, almost excitedly, Big Ben fading away in the distance as they crossed the river and turned left into a hotel.

“Is this the surprise?” Aaron looked at Robert, confused.

“Part of it”, Robert smirked as they pulled up outside the front, a chauffeur taking the bags out of the back and driving the car away, turning his nose up at the state of the shitty Fiat in his hands. The reception was grand, majestic wooden fixtures lining the entrance as the pair walked in. Aaron had been dumbstruck all the way up to the room; the carpets were pristine, the decoration ornate as they took the lift right up to the top floor. The bellboy, whom Robert seemed to know, opened the key to their room, Aaron’s face falling even more into shock as they walked through.

The room was a suite, a large four poster bed pushed up against the opposite wall. Closer to them, a pair of chaises longues surrounded a large plasma television in a giant case. Robert watched as Aaron walked slowly out to the large windows of the room, perfect views of Westminster underneath their feet.

“But…tonight’s New Year’s Eve…” Aaron tried to string words together.

“Yep”, Robert smiled. “I’ve never liked the coverage on the telly, so I thought we’d see the fireworks for ourselves”.

“But…this…this must have cost a fortune…” Aaron shook his head, knowing full well that Robert had implemented a strict budget since having started his recovery.

“Or I just know a few people who still owe me a few favours…” Robert winked. He made a mental note to himself to thank Greg, a bellboy who he had met before he had met Chrissie. They had met up for casual sex when Robert was still figuring himself out, but had somehow managed to make a good friend out of him when they found they had much more in common than simply their curiosity. Robert had managed to pull him out of a sticky situation a few years ago with some bailiffs, so he knew he could rely on Greg to pull a few strings when the time came. “I was a bit worried that this would remind you too much of Home Farm, of the shit times. But I needed to show you how much you mean to me…so I’ve recreated that time at the hotel when Katie was following us. The date we never got to have. Even the beer’s the same, I checked. I want to be able to have that time with you that I should have spent with you all along. I love you so much, Aaron…there’s no real way I can show you how much…I just hope this goes some way to showing it…”

Robert was cut off as Aaron moved forward from the window, steadily and strongly, towards Robert. Their lips collided before he could even think about what he was about to do, Aaron gazing intensely into Robert’s softened eyes, his love communicated in the simple look that he gave. They found each other’s hands, rocking on the spot as Robert made himself drunk on Aaron’s affection. One stumble later, they were on the bed, the bed rocking as they made themselves comfortable in the suite.

* * *

 

“Come on!” Robert called as they heard the bells of Big Ben chime their tune before the hourly strikes. “We can’t miss this!”

Aaron rushed over to the window, the hordes of cheering revellers outside counting down as they waited excitedly for the first bong. Robert took Aaron in his arm, a bottle of beer in his hand as he enveloped Aaron under his chin. They had spent the whole day in the room, ordering room service, fucking on the chaise longue. They had taken two showers together in what was basically a very posh wet room, and had sat watching every movie on the television catalogue. By the time midnight was approaching, they had been suitably drunk, having cleared out the mini-bar and started picking their way down the menu.

“3…2…1…” they counted together as Big Ben rang in the New Year, cheering rippling like a wave through the crowds, fireworks lighting up the hotel room like euphoric explosions as the pair watched on, arms wrapped around each other. They stood watching, in awe of such beauty and design, savouring every second of the unique opportunity they had. Robert knew, however, that this moment would have been special in the tiny flat in Leeds, or in the Woolpack, or in any old pub down some backstreet. This was their first proper New Year’s together, a day when they could look forward to the future with genuine optimism and determination. They could make promises that they could legitimately keep. They could look each other in the eye and be confident where their future was headed, because even if the waves were choppy, they would have each other. And that was all the certainty they needed.

“Happy New Year, Aaron”, Robert beamed softly as he rubbed Aaron’s back.

“Happy New Year, Robert”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who managed to get to the end, I salute you! Thanks everyone for all the Kudos and comments I've been receiving; it transpires that I've amassed quite a lot of Kudos, so I'm really humbled that people are enjoying the fic as much I am enjoying writing it! I'm really grateful! Definitely only three chapters left now, I know exactly where the fic is heading. Comment and Kudos as always, see you next time! :)


	14. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life moves on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely on the home stretch - unadulterated fluff from now on! Thanks again for all of the comments and Kudos, you're all amazingly kind and generous people and I'm so grateful. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> WARNING: I am male, and have never actually experienced childbirth. If I have cocked up my description of Vic going into labour, I apologise!

“Come on! Come on!”

The clock ticked into injury time. Robert got to his feet as he watched the striker pass the hapless defenders with ease, his pace building gloriously behind the ball as he reached the box. Robert clenched his fists as the striker got nearer and nearer, kicking the ball majestically over the goalkeeper and into the back of the net. “ _Yes!!_ Get in there!”

The opposite stand roared in delight from across the pitch, but it took Robert a few moments until he realised Owen was giving him an odd expression and the fans around him a slightly threatening one.

“What? They scored!” Robert sat back down slowly.

“Yes”, Owen nodded. “The other fucking team”.

“Oh”, Robert coughed into his hand, embarrassed. “It’s the new kit colour, I got confused”.

“Yeah, don’t do that again”, the depression was clear on Owen’s face as the final whistle blew, Leeds’s miserable run continuing as the rain continued to patter down resolutely on a soggy Wednesday evening in late February. “Come on, before we get mauled by this lot”.

Things had been somewhat tricky between Robert and Owen since Christmas. Aaron had spent more and more time with Robert and his friends since the New Year, and Owen and Alice had even met Diane and Vic one time in the pub. Robert couldn’t shake the feeling, however, that he was taunting Owen; whilst it was true that Robert did have strong platonic feelings for Owen, he could feel that Owen wanted to give so much more than Robert could offer. The whole friendship was starting to wobble under the pressure of Owen’s feelings, despite Robert not letting up on going out with him to the footie and on runs round the park. Something had to give eventually – Robert hoped it wouldn’t be their friendship.

Living up to form, Alice had absolutely no idea of how deeply Owen was feeling until Robert confided with her on the way back to the car from a French lesson. Determined to find him some happiness (or at least some relief), Alice had tried her hand at matchmaking on Valentine’s Day, setting Owen up with one of her friends from her rock climbing club. When Owen had told Robert, they looked guiltily at her Facebook together, Robert doing his best to pick out all the positive points that Flick had – she was sporty, interesting, good looking (although not Robert’s type). Even though Owen did do his best to look interested and excited, Robert could see how forced his expressions were, his own heart sinking with levels of sympathy he didn't even know he had. He was surprised at his ability for such depth of guilt for something he hadn't actually done wrong; it was certainly a change from selfish Home Farm Robert, who would have callously left Owen to his own devices. Perhaps if Robert and Owen hadn't been through so much since Robert’s recovery it would’ve been easier for Robert to just move on without him. He knew it was ridiculous to think, but he was indeed almost embarrassed that he had lost his formidable edge that he once used with aplomb for his own ends.

“Do you reckon you're gonna meet up again with Flick?” Robert broached as they headed back towards the Punto, the rain slicking their hair down as it battered them mercilessly. “You didn't say much about it at work, and it's been a week now?”

“Meh”, Owen replied simply, turning as he waited for Robert to unlock the car, eager to escape the rain.

“It must have been better than meh”, Robert raised his eyebrows as he got in the driver’s seat.

“She was a nice person”, Owen murmured. “We had a nice chat, I think we’d be good friends, but there was no spark”.

“Oh”, Robert’s ears burned as he wondered how he could dig himself out of this one. “There will be better ones, definitely. You're too fucking nice not to get a date”.

“I’m dunno about that”, Owen shrugged. “There must be something I must be missing”.

“There's nothing missing, mate”, Robert trod on eggshells as he tried to avoid talking about Aaron. “You're a top lad, you really are”.

“Then what is there that Aaron has that I didn't?” Owen flashed bitterly, Robert looking round as he noticed his friend immediately regretting it, squinting his eyes tightly.  “I’m sorry, I really shouldn't have said that, that was totally unreasonable of me…”

“No…it’s fine”, Robert sighed, knowing it would have to be spoken about sooner or later if their friendship were going to survive. “I think history kinda did us in, mate. I have such a history with Aaron, so many feelings that I can't even explain properly…no one would have had a chance with Aaron in my life. It’s so intense…bound by all the shit we went through together, all the shit I did. Aaron is endgame”.

“I understand, I know I'm being unreasonable”, Owen murmured. “You’re just fucking special, Robert”.

“I know”, Robert smirked, a flash of the old arrogance sparkling in his eyes jokingly before realising this wasn't the right moment. “I know this isn't the right thing to say, I bet, but…I think if I didn't have all this shit behind me and I didn't have Aaron…I would have really liked to have seen where we would have gotten to. You do mean an awful lot to me…it's you that got me talking about my feelings, for fuck sake! I was a lot more closed before I met you. I have you to thank for sorting me out”.

Owen smiled sadly, Robert understanding the depth of Owen’s sacrifice. He knew that he wouldn't have been able to do the same, only letting his respect for his friend grow more and more.

“Can we still be friends?” Robert ventured. “I’ll understand if you can't do that”.

“Of course we’re still mates”, Owen heaved. “I’ll sort this out in my own time”.

“Good”, Robert smiled, patting Owen on the shoulder in genuine affection. “Does that mean you'll give Flick another try?”

“Nah”, Owen shrugged. “I know when there’s no spark. I’ll just float along, wait to see what comes my way in the future”.

“You'll find someone, Owen”, Robert patted him again. “Much better than me, anyway. Aaron's always moaning about me kicking him when I'm spark out!” Robert smirked to himself when he got a small chortle out of Owen next to him. Going to turn the ignition to start the car, Robert thought for a moment before he asked, “Owen…when did you like…when did you... get comfortable with your sexuality?”

Robert had been trying his best to feel one hundred percent comfortable with sexuality, working hard with Grace in his sessions to try and find the causes for his discomfort and solutions. The problem wasn't being out as Aaron’s boyfriend; he was far too proud of his boyfriend to hide the broad grin on his face when even so much as Aaron’s name was mentioned in passing. What he had troubles with was accepting his attraction to men in a general sense, particularly on a more than purely carnal level. Before Aaron, he believed that men were just things he could use to get his end away when heterosexual endeavours were on the wane. Now, after Aaron, and to an extent with Owen as well, he knew that that was no longer the case, that he could find a deep emotional connection with another man. Robert struggled to allow himself to accept that completely, and still shied away from any words like ‘bisexual’.

“Erm”, Owen was clearly not expecting that question from the surprised look Robert clocked on Owen’s face. “It took a little while…I wondered where all of these odd feelings and urges were coming from…and you know I got no sympathy from my mum. I guess it just got more comfortable the more I got used to dating guys as well as girls. I suppose knowing I liked girls was kinda helpful because I felt some sort of ‘normality’”, Owen made inverted commas with his fingers, “but I didn't really matter after a while. I found that I could love a man just as much as a woman…and eventually I accepted myself for it. Identified with being ‘bi’, focussed on the feelings rather than the terminology. Why, are you still having issues?”

“Kinda”, Robert held his chin in contemplation. “It's more just overriding all of the shit I've told myself and just accepting that that's the way it is”.

“Well, you don't have to put a label on it yet, or ever”, Owen pointed out. “It's whatever makes you feel comfortable with who you are. If you don't like saying bi, you don't have to. You just have to own your feelings and remember that your feelings don’t make up the whole of you. You're allowed to be whoever you want to be; your sexual and romantic desires are just the context to the main story”.

Robert didn't respond, just remained in thought. He knew that what Owen was telling him was in direct response to his fears, all of his trouble with allowing himself to be comfortable with his identity. What was stronger was that infernal internal voice of his, still finding every opportunity to be extremely vocal. Robert had felt as though he had made some progress with his conscience, but as the sexuality issue flagged up, it dug its heels in, refusing to allow Robert to grow. With Owen’s words on his mind, Robert flashed a grateful smile at him before putting his hands back on the steering wheel, the pair not even having left the football stadium. “Right, we’re having a curry, I'm starving”.

* * *

 

“Cheers!” Robert and Vic chinked their glasses together, Robert’s wine sloshing around as Vic’s orange juice moved to meet it at the side of the glass.. Vic had come up to Leeds on her own on the train, much to the sincere annoyance of Diane and Adam, who had been keeping her under lock and key. She had lamented her lack of freedom with her stepmother and her husband’s hawkish overprotection, driving her to see her brother, especially upon hearing his good news.

Robert had come into work the previous morning with the ominous order of a meeting with his manager lingering over him from the evening prior. He had spent the night in a ferocious war of words with himself, laid in bed, staring at the dank ceiling. What if he just hadn’t cut it in the office? What if somebody had complained about him? Was it something he had said? Something he did? He certainly couldn’t think of anything in particular that he had done since he had reintegrated into the group. He almost would have preferred it if he had done something scandalous, just so that he could at least prepare for the mental beating he knew he’d be about to take. With everything up in the air, the suspense gnawed at his sanity with unabated hunger as the small hours grew with the weak light beyond his curtains.

“You look like the Walking Dead”, Alice jibed as he trudged slowly down the corridor of cubicles to his desk.

“Har, har, har”, Robert rolled his eyes, yawning as he placed his satchel by his desk chair. “I drifted off at six…”

“God, you look dreadful”, Janet noted as she walked up to the coffee machine at the back of the room.

“Wow, now I do feel beautiful”, Robert flashed back sarcastically.

“When’s your meeting with the Big Cheese?” Owen asked sincerely as he entered the room, his slight fringe flattened on his forehead by the driving rain.

“Five minutes or so”, Robert grimaced, unwrapping his scarf and fiddling with the tassels on the end with his fingers.

“You’re meeting Big Cheese?” Alice lost her tongue-in-cheek edge, a concerned glance sweeping across her face. The office ‘affectionately’ nicknamed their line manager ‘Big Cheese’ for his authoritarian style – you only seemed to see Big Cheese for something bad, and it never tended to end well. “But you’ve not even done anything wrong!”

“I dunno”, Robert sighed. “Maybe it was all that time I took off to get better; remember that monk on he had when I went to HR instead of him about that time off?”

“He can’t fire you for that”, Owen assured Robert. “That’s illegal for one thing”.

“Doesn’t sound like he’d be the one to care that much”, Robert huffed. “I’m not gonna unpack my stuff”. He sat at his seat for a few moments, praying to get some of his old self-assurance back, whispering under his breath, “Come on, Sudgen, you’re a big fella, you can hold your own”. Grace had tried to promote positive thinking in any way possible, so Robert assumed that this would be fine, even if somewhat peculiar to the outsider.

The clock ran eagerly towards the twelve like a child to chocolate, Robert’s stomach churning uncomfortably as he shifted around in his seat. Puffing his chest out, he rose from his seat once more, and started walking down the corridor of cubicles, calls of good luck rising from the coffee machine at the back. He stared down his path, determined not to let it dictate his worth or his value. He stared at his manager’s door, gritting his teeth as he visualised how he wanted to be in his mind, strong and assertive. Without hesitation, he knocked on the door, the adrenaline and positive self-assertion spurring him forwards without rational consideration. He was called in monotonically.

When he reopened the door after what had been a longer conversation than he had initially anticipated, Owen, Alice, Janet, and Emily jumped back suddenly from where they were obviously listening in.

“I guess you heard, then?” Robert asked, slyly doing his best to keep his question emotionless, despite the wildfire of feelings burning in his stomach.

“Not really”, Alice admitted, then leaned in inquisitively, hanging on Robert’s response.

“Well”, Robert smiled to himself. “Big Cheese is leaving in the next two weeks –“, everyone gasped as Robert waved their commotion down with his hand, “- so he was asked to choose his successor as line manager…and, well, he…he chose me”.

Alice squealed a congratulations, Owen giving him a somewhat over-tender hug. Janet clapped and nodded approvingly, but Emily had not been quite so complimentary.

“How come you’ve got it? You’ve only been working here for six months or so…” Emily asked through gritted teeth.

“He just said that the bosses have been impressed with how I’ve dealt with the customers since the start of my recovery, and believed I could handle sorting out the floor”, Robert grinned, biting his lip in disbelief. It was the first promotion he had felt he had ever earnt in years of just bumming jobs off of rich father-in-laws and friends of friends. He knew that he had the way with charming customers because he had managed to compartmentalise his work from his head, bringing out the Sudgen charm on the phone but not necessarily in his own personal affairs. Now he had proof that he still had it, he could allow himself to rebuild himself into the self-assured hard worker he always knew he was, whilst still keeping two feet on the ground.

As soon as he had left for his lunch break with the team, he had rung Aaron’s phone off the wall until he got an answer. He wished he could have seen Aaron’s face when his words came through the speaker, instead imagining the small grin Aaron’s words were painting in his mind’s eye. He had come over later that night to ‘celebrate’ before his overnight trip to Newcastle for the scrapyard, and Robert had felt lonely when Aaron had left that Friday. As almost all of his friends from work were also busy that night, Robert called Vic round to celebrate the good news.

“I’m so proud of you!” Vic replied as she sipped at her orange juice whilst curled up on Robert’s lumpy sofa. “So quickly and all, that’s amazing!”

“I think I’ve lost a friend in Emily, mind”, Robert replied. “Looks like she had her eye on that position for ages, according to Janet. Always thought she had an ambitious streak in her”.

“And you don’t?” Vic raised her eyebrows.

“Well…” Robert blushed. “I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground, Vic!”

“I know”, Vic cuffed Robert playfully on the shoulder. “Did Aaron come round last night?”

“Yeah”, Robert smiled to himself as he allowed himself to relive their curling up together on the sofa watching DVDs under Robert’s duvet. “It was lovely”.

“I’ve got to admit”, Vic started, scratching her neck slightly as she spoke. “I was a bit sceptical of how you two would work out together as a couple after everything you’ve been through. But…you’ve blossomed, both of you have. You seem to make each other want to grow and improve…I’ve never seen Aaron so relaxed and calm. And I’ve never see you so humble and honest! I’m really proud of how well you’ve been doing”, she put her hand on Robert’s arm, smiling softly as Robert felt himself go slightly red at the unnecessary praise.

“Thanks…” Robert grimaced as he took another sip of wine. “How have things been with Adam?”

“Oh don’t get me started”, Vic rolled her eyes, making Robert wonder whether he’d regret asking. “I mean…I guess it’s good that at least him and Aaron are back to talking again…but he just won’t stop fussing over me! It’s ridiculous, I’m barely allowed to boil a kettle anymore, let alone board a train to Leeds. I had to deal with him on the phone being angry as fuck when I got off the platform at the station, but I just couldn’t take the scrutiny anymore. If he’s like this after our little boy is born, I’m gonna have to have serious words with him, I tell ya”.

“He’ll calm down, I’m sure”, Robert tried to sound convincing, but he knew that Vic was sensing his uncertainty.

“I know you’re still finding it really tough with Adam”, Vic responded. “He’s just sticking up for me, he wants me to be safe. He just needs to learn to accept my decisions and trust me”.

“I don’t blame him”, Robert admittedly, turning the glass thoughtfully in his hand as he spoke. “I don’t think I’ll ever be on good terms with him, so I have to learn to be okay with that”.

“Just give him time”, Vic squeezed Robert’s wrist.

Robert smiled back, prompting her to smile. “I can’t believe how much you’ve grown since I got sent down…you just became so wise and confident. I should be the one telling you how proud I am of you!”

“Well, I had to do a lot of growing up when the family needed it”, Vic pouted as Robert burned slightly in shame. “But it was what I needed, and I wouldn’t have made it through all the shit without it. Besides, I’m still your little sister you can piss around with”, she winked as she prodded Robert in the stomach, Robert gasping in mock shock.

“Just because I can’t poke you back!” Robert frowned. Vic turned as she heard her mobile vibrate from across the table, her eyes rolling as she noticed the caller ID.

“Speak of the devil”, she muttered in annoyance. “I’m gonna have to talk to him, hang on a sec… Hello...?... yes, I’m absolutely fine…! For God’s sake, Adam, I’m not five…! Yes, I got a seat on the train…! No, no one touched me…! For God’s sake, Adam, I can look after myself…! Yes, I’m with Robert…! Because he’s my brother, and I wanted to see him…! You have no say about who I do and don’t see, Adam…! Just because happens to be your son too, that doesn’t make me your property…! Adam! No, Adam…! How dare y-“ Vic doubled over in pain as the phone fell from her hand onto the floor, the world moving into slow motion as Robert leapt to his sister’s side.

“Vic?” Robert pressed, holding onto Vic’s back as she breathed heavily, a long, drawn out moan escaping her. “Vic?”

“It’s coming, I think it’s coming!” Vic struggled to speak as her moan finally came to end, collapsing into a heap of ragged breath.

“Coming?!” Robert exclaimed. “He’s not due for another two weeks!”

“I’m not sure he gives much of a shiiiiiiiiiiiiit”, another shot of pain electrified Vic as she gripped onto the arm of the sofa with all of her might, her face turning a disturbing shade of purple as Robert stood up, struggling to think clearly.

“Right, okay”, Robert breathed deeply to focus, the urgency muddling his thoughts. “Right, I’m going to ring for an ambulance, and get you a glass of water. It’s going to be okay!”

* * *

 

The ambulance had arrived an agonising half hour later, the lift finally coming through for them as the paramedics helped down the tower block and into the ambulance. He had rung everyone he could to tell them the news and to get them up to where Vic was being taken, even Adam being cordial once he realised this was when Vic had really needed him. Robert felt overwhelmed at being Vic’s only support for so long, but he knew that it was his responsibility to look out for his sister, his nephew. He felt the bond of familial love burn raw as he held on tightly to Vic’s hand in the hospital, nurses and midwives buzzing around the bed like hornets in a nest.

The minutes ticked by, Vic’s contractions getting sooner and sooner whilst Adam’s particular absence was markedly felt. Robert looked down, his gaze meeting Victoria’s terrified expression. He had no words to comfort her, no words to promise her that it would be alright. He simply offered his presence, his silent support. Vic smiled through her fear, and gripped onto his hand tighter as another whelp of pain escaped her battered lungs. It was the most frighteningly real experience Robert had ever undergone; he had never understood before the sheer reality of the creation of a new life. But sat there, next to his sister, the two of them alone as a scientific miracle was underway, the real world struck Robert directly between the eyes. He didn’t have enough time to compute that, to contemplate it, however. It had to wash over his head, focussing all the time on comforting Vic until the others arrived.

After what seemed like years, Diane and Adam burst through the door, sweat running freely down Adam’s forehead as Robert moved away to allow her husband to sit beside her.

“It’s alright, I’m here, I’m here”, Adam buried his face into Vic’s cheek as Robert moved back towards Diane, who had rushed to the end of the bed.

“How is she?” Diane’s voice wobbled in worry. “What was she doing? How did it happen?”

“It was all a bit of a blur, really”, Robert murmured, casually leaving out Adam’s phone call as he put his arm around Diane. “But she’s fine, the midwife is happy”.

“Good”, Diane nodded weakly, Robert leaving them for a moment to get them some coffee – it would be a very long night.

* * *

 

Aaron had arrived about three hours later from Newcastle, the hour hand on the clinically clean clock on the wall dragging itself past two o’clock. Robert melted into his arms immediately as his boyfriend came from the door, tears of exhaustion pouring from him as he allowed himself to offload all of the pent up emotions for the first time. Aaron didn’t ask anything, he just held onto Robert as Robert clung on for dear life, overwhelmingly unsure as to where the torrent of confusing emotions were coming from.

Time continued to tick past, the pair leaning worriedly against one another in the waiting room, seemingly dozens of polystyrene coffee cups surrounding them like an audience, waiting for news. They drifted in and out of consciousness, tiredness winning and losing its constant battle with caffeine. Sometimes Diane would pop her head out and said there was no more news, sometimes Robert would run to find a nurse to bother into divulging more information. But still nothing.

The sun began to bleed light through the sterile blue blinds of the waiting room, still without any news. Robert was supporting a snoozing Aaron on his shoulder, staring dully at the doors separating him from his sister. He hadn't been able to hear anything from behind the doors, so he wasn't able to glean even the minutest of tidbits to keep himself from worrying too much. Every so often, the beleaguered nurses would shoot him a sympathetic glance, but that was all he could expect.

“Any news?” Aaron yawned as he awoke from his uncomfortable slumber, not bothering to move his neck.

“Nope”, Robert huffed. “It's been over seven hours now”.

“God, that’s a fucking lazy baby”, Aaron murmured. “Do you want another coffee?”

“No, ta”, Robert felt the caffeine pulsating around him like wasps, his heart working on overdrive as it was. “I’m just glad I can't get you up the duff”.

“You say I'd make ugly babies?” Aaron remarked, turning his head to give him a scathing look.

“No!” Robert exclaimed, kissing Aaron’s forehead lightly. “I’m just not sure I could sit there for all this time watching you be in so much pain”.

“If you felt like that, maybe you’d stop kicking me in bed”, Aaron smirked.

“You can always go sleep on the sofa”.

“Why do I have to move?!”

“Because you’re the one with the issue!” Robert’s cheeky grin fell quickly as Aaron gave him a glare that could well have been serious. “Still, I’m glad it’s not you in there”, Robert kissed Aaron’s forehead again. He thought for a few moments before he added softly, “I reckon you’d be a great dad, you”.

“Me?” Aaron sat up and looked into Robert’s eyes with an incredulous expression. “Are you taking the piss?”

“No!” Robert murmured with a smile. “You’re fierce to defend people you care about, you’re much more fun and cuddly than you like to let on…you’d be a great dad”.

“Yeah, alright, whatever”, Aaron rolled his eyes, but turned his face so that Robert couldn’t see his further expression.

Before Robert could say anything else, Diane appeared from behind the door, relief and wonder painted roughly on her tired face. “Your nephew’s been born, just a minute ago now – would you like to come and meet him?”

Heaving a huge sigh of relief, Robert got up from the plastic seat. Aaron stayed seated, letting Robert taking his moment with his family with a smile.

“I’ll be there in a minute”, his boyfriend reassured him as Robert turned back and slowly opened the door. The sight with which he was met melted him instantly; a physically exhausted Vic was laid in her bed, a tired crooked smile looking down to the new beating heart in her arms. The baby looked very healthy, wrapped snugly in a clean white blanket as he cried. Around the bed, Diane and Adam smiled softly down at the sight they were beholding, peace and serenity replacing the chaotic and emotional scenes that Robert had witnessed here earlier that morning.

“He’s beautiful”, Robert whispered as he held onto the bar at the end of the bed.

“Healthy weight, 6lb 5oz”, Diane nodded, speaking for the dumbstruck couple, frozen in awe.

“Have you thought of a name yet?” Robert asked.

“Well…we did think of one…” Vic woke from her adoring trance to address Robert, Adam frowning somewhat as she spoke. “But I wanted to run it by you first…”

“It’s not my –“ Robert started, by Vic kept speaking. 

“We wanted to call him Jack”, Vic smiled as she looked back down at the baby once more.

“Oh Vic, that’s a wonderful idea”, Diane put her hand on Vic’s shoulder, a tear forming in the corner of her eye.

“Robert?” Vic looked up at him. He knew his relationship with his father had always been fraught, but for Vic, it was a lovely tribute to someone who had meant the world to her.

Smiling back and swallowing the bad memories that flooded back, he nodded, “I like it”. Once Adam and Diane had held Jack, it was Robert’s turn, as Aaron entered the room. He looked down at Jack in his arms, the little baby having stopped screaming and had taken to looking at his uncle with a curious expression. Robert smiled slightly as he cradled him lightly, overcome with nerves as he felt the responsibility of being an uncle filling his mind. He knew Jack would have two great parents and a wonderful grandmother in Diane, but Robert wondered if he could ever live up to their natural talents with kids. _I’ll try my hardest. I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are - a bit of a filler chapter, but this was important to help me tie up some loose ends. The next chapter is the last real chapter, and then after that is the epilogue (which will be long regardless, knowing me), which are both bathed in fluff. I really hope you've enjoyed Robert's journey back to redemption, and especially the new characters I've introduced him to. Because I'm one of those people who can't even let go of yesterday's newspaper, I'm quite tempted to just do some one shots using this story as canon in the future, so that may be a thing in the future. I don't know, I'm quite bad at letting go. Anyway, kudos and comments are always appreciated and loved, and I hope you've enjoyed the chapter!


	15. Redemption II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert redeems himself as life moves on quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last proper chapter! :( Only the epilogue to come, so I hope you enjoy the last chapters that I have managed to conjure up with the my last remaining brain cells. Thanks for the comments and Kudos as per, I really appreciate your feedback as always. Here's the last chapter!

 

Robert opened the door, letting it shut as he walked slowly into the late spring air. The sun had finally reared its head from a long spell of hibernation, the buds growing into gloriously green leaves on the trees that surrounded him. He related to those leaves; moribund in winter as the dark clouds drew in, they blossomed once more in spring, waiting patiently until it was time to be reborn into something different. However, those leaves were never anything completely new – just different shades of the same leaf. And as Robert had struggled through the long and difficult winter, he had been reborn – not as something completely new, but as something slightly different. As what Robert had wanted to be, not what he thought he should be.

He didn’t smile as he left the therapist’s office for the last time. Instead, he focussed. Focussed in on the road ahead. Focussed in on his goals, his dreams, his desires. He embraced ambition with open arms, and rejected defeat. His inner voice had been softened, combated with a more positive and determined discourse that drove him to outgrow his past. He bit his lip as he visualised the challenges ahead, the obstacles placed inside and outside of his own psyche. He knew that the fight was not over. Indeed, he knew that the fight could never be truly won, only lost. The only way to keep from losing was to continue fighting.

Time has a curious habit of making life come full circle. It was May, the twelfth to be exact. In four days, it would have been a year precisely since his release, since the start of his own period of hibernation. It was an odd paradox that he had gone into a hibernation upon the return of his basic liberties, as if Robert had overdosed on the sudden high of freedom. It had caused him to withdraw, to tear away at his fragile layers, to keep hold of only what was truly vital to his fulfilled existence. As the sun began to reappear from its marked absence, however, so did Robert, toeing the line carefully between success and failure as he slowly regained himself from his own shadow.

Just as that day three hundred and sixty one days prior, Robert’s senses were hypersensitive, reacting attentively to every brush, every vibration, every flash of brilliant light. He reached his car, rubbing his hand softly against the battered metal chassis with care and wonder, his hand steady as he slowly pushed the lock into the car door. He felt the leather of the steering wheel in his hands, the smooth metal of the key as he placed it into the ignition. He felt the vibrations under his seat tickle lightly at him from below as the engine roared hoarsely, his ears bathing soothingly in its low drum.

People had taken on a new sheen, a new level of curiosity as he passed them on the street. Robert was no longer afraid of the judgement of his past, and instead wanted to know their hopes, their fears, their emotions. He parked the car and took a stroll down the shopping district, allowing himself to experience humanity in its raw reality. They were far from perfect, but they were human, just as Robert was. He had realised the futile nature of perfection, realised that the pressure for perfection was too great for anyone to possibly function in a way that he could be happy with. Now that the pressure was released, he felt as though he could enjoy his own humanity again, and greatly appreciate it in others. He was a walking experiment, constantly tinkering and improving as he found new challenges, new obstacles to overcome.

Robert walked into a nearby coffee shop, the smell of the cocoa beans alluring as he followed his nose through the door. He had always found coffee shops homely, their smells wholesome and comfortable. One of the things that made him feel comfortable was sitting in a coffee shop with a playlist and some mental stimulation, either for business or pleasure. It allowed him to regroup his frayed mind, sweeping away its dusty corners as he brought himself to the present. Often he could be found at a table in a coffee shop, sat in a snugly encompassing armchair, surrounded by papers, his laptop, and four empty Americano mugs.

He never minded queuing in a coffee shop either. He permitted himself to take in the flavours, the sounds, the relaxing atmosphere, breathing it in like a drug. The time would pass by, making Robert completely comfortable as he waited for the barista to finally reach his point in the queue. Smiling, he rocked back on the heels of his comparatively inexpensive brogues as the woman in front dropped her purse, not noticing. Robert bent down to pick up the purse, and tapped the woman on the shoulder as he regained his posture.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes?” the woman turned around, her eyes widening slowly in shock as she looked properly.

“…Chrissie…?” Robert whispered hoarsely, as if all of the oxygen in the room had collapsed into a tiny spec.

“Robert…” she looked slightly away from Robert’s eyes, the resulting reaction too powerful for Chrissie to look straight at her former husband.

“Erm…” Robert struggled to gain his composure as he looked down at the purse in his hand. “Oh, you dropped this”. He put his hand out with the purse in his grasp, Chrissie not reacting for a few seconds.

“Oh…th-thanks…” Chrissie’s voice shook slightly as she took the purse and placed it back her handbag.

“What are you doing here in Leeds…?” Robert asked slowly, his breathing steady, if not short. He felt as if it would be rude to not have continued the conversation with someone whom he had promised to love with all his heart, but that did not stop him from wishing that the ground would swallow him whole on that spot.

“I’ve just come back from visiting a friend”, she explained, still not giving eye contact. “I’ll be going back down to London tonight”.

“Oh, you moved there after you sold the farm?” Robert asked out of vague interest.

“Yes, I started my own business”, Chrissie replied. “I needed to break out of Dad’s shadow, be recognised for my own achievements”.

“I see”, Robert’s face contorted into an expression of curiosity; perhaps he and his ex-wife had more in common than he had previously thought. “What do you do?”

“I own a fashion emporium on Regent Street. Started off as a tatty place in Portobello Road, but two years later, we’ve just moved into our new store”.

“Congrats”, Robert nodded genuinely. Even though so much time had passed since the affair and the clean-cut annulment, he couldn’t help but feel a prickle of pride for someone he subconsciously still cared for.

“A flat white for me please”, Chrissie responded to the barista as she came up to the front of the queue. “And I’m presuming you’re having an Americano, Robert?”

“Oh, God, you don’t – “

“Well, you did return my purse, so it’s only polite”, Chrissie raised her eyebrows but still refused to give eye contact, looking just a little past Robert’s left eye.

“Thanks”, Robert smiled slightly. “Yes, an Americano would be lovely, please”.

* * *

 

“So what are you doing in Leeds?” Chrissie asked as they sat down in the armchairs at the back of the coffee shop. In his curiosity, Robert had asked if Chrissie wanted to catch up. Chrissie had been somewhat reluctant, but her gaze softened when she nodded cautiously.

“I live here now, moved here this time last year”, Robert sipped at his Americano, the steam stroking his eyes gently as he tipped the mug to drink.

“What is it you do?” Chrissie asked. “Some new up-and-coming start up? Clients pouring in from Europe?”

“Nope”, Robert shook his head. There would have been a time when he would have been dreadfully embarrassed to even entertain the notion of divulging his occupation, particularly to someone as powerful as Chrissie White. But now, lessons of many therapy sessions and personal experience in hand, he let himself be comfortable with his own achievements. “I work in a breakdown call centre”.

Chrissie spat out some of her coffee into her mug. “You’re joking, right?”

Robert shook his hand, a small smirk creeping into the corner of his mouth.

“Ah, I see”, Chrissie shook herself as she navigated her way out of her social faux pas.

“Got promoted a couple of months back, I manage my floor now”, Robert raised his eyebrows for a moment, waiting for Chrissie’s reply eagerly.

“Oh…congrats”, Chrissie murmured, trying her best to look completely unfazed by Robert’s revelation. “I presume that was after something had failed with your last business?”

“Nope”, Robert shook his head again. “It…it was the first thing I did as soon as my sentence ended”.

“Sentence…?” Chrissie repeated, confused. “You got sent to prison?”

“Katie’s manslaughter”, Robert confessed, Chrissie’s jaw dropping as he spoke. “Two and a half years in a medium-security jail in Nottingham”.

“Shit…” was all that Chrissie could respond with as she computed what she had just heard.

“So I moved up to Leeds when I got the call centre job and I’ve been rebuilding myself up ever since”, Robert nodded as he looked out of the corner of his eye, a surge of pride blossoming as he realised how far he had come. “It was my last therapy session today, so I thought I’d come here to celebrate”.

Chrissie failed to reply, simply remained sipping on her flat white as she continued to compute what she was hearing. Robert tried to look in her eyes, looking for the cogs of her mind turning as he attempted to figure out her thoughts, but couldn’t get anywhere.

“Time’s changed you”, she murmured slowly. “Four years ago, you would have been charming me out of the room, trying to sell yourself as the best thing since sliced bread…”

“That’s because I hadn’t convinced myself that I was worth being sold”, Robert answered matter-of-factly. “Now I have all of the important things in my life, I don’t need to constantly impress people”.

“But you’ve lost my edge”, Chrissie remarked. “You’re hardly intimidating anymore”.

“You haven’t seen intimidating until you’ve been inside”, Robert’s voice was flat in response. “The people I managed to intimidate were pussy cats in comparison to some of those on my wing”.

“But don’t you miss the power? The ability to just click your fingers and things would get done?”

“Why would I?” Robert surprised himself with the sincerity of his response. “People didn’t like me for being that arrogant bastard that just got what he wanted because he had the power to. Now I’ve got my priorities straight…I’ve got all the important people in my life because of me as a person, not money”.

“Does that include Aaron?” Chrissie blurted out, still incapable of hiding the tiny amount of bitterness laced in her words.

“Yes”, Robert made his smile wider as he heard his name, eager for Chrissie to see that the decision was for the best. He was missing Aaron heavily; Aaron had gone on a week-long business trip to France, the business’s first potential client abroad. Robert was crestfallen when he had found out – he would be missing Robert’s anniversary party in the Woolpack, and he had wanted to share the day reminding himself how far he had come. “It took some time and some hard work to get him to trust me again…but by just being me rather than some loaded powerful bastard, we worked through it”.

“Does he still do that silly scrapyard project?” Chrissie chided, Robert noticing how her snobby platform had still not left her even after leaving her father’s shadow.

“That silly project is now getting business in France”, Robert added edge to his voice as he beat Chrissie’s tongue back. “He’s earning a lot more than I am, I tell you that. Not that that matters, of course”.

“Of course not”, Chrissie repeated unconvincingly. “Do…do you really love him?”

“Absolutely”, Robert replied unwaveringly. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me”.

“A dirty mechanic with fists for brains and an inbred family?”

“No”, Robert put his hand on the table as he went to stand, “a misunderstood man who loves his friends, has a great sense of humour, and has been unquestionably loyal to me”.

“Where are you going?” Chrissie turned in her chair to face Robert.

“Home. You haven’t changed, have you?” Robert looked down at her and sighed. “You’re still looking down from your pedestal judging everyone below you when everyone else is getting on with their lives. People don’t care about your wealth, Chrissie. People don’t care about how many zeroes are on your bank balance, or how many houses you have in the countryside. They care about the important things, the things you can’t buy – like my self-respect. Good luck in London, Chrissie”. Robert turned and left, not looking back as Chrissie looked cluelessly in Robert’s wake. Robert smiled when he realised something – he hadn’t needed to think about his breathing once in the entire conversation. _Well done, Sudgen._

* * *

 

“I can’t wait until we get there”, Alice chirped in the backseat of the Punto as she, Robert, and Owen rolled down the motorway on the way to Robert’s party. Diane had felt particularly guilty that Robert hadn’t received a welcoming party upon his release from prison, so was practically forcing this party down his throat in his honour. Never one to reject a party about him, Robert was pleased to accept, and Diane had told him to invite down Owen and Alice.

“I’m not sure it’ll be that exciting”, Robert rolled his eyes, knowing that Alice would faint from the postman coming. “How did your French exam go last night, by the way?”

“Oh God, Madame DuPont looked as though she wanted to throttle me with her bare hands”, Alice lamented. “It’s not like she’s even French, she’s from fucking Dudley!”

Robert laughed and Owen chuckled to himself softly. “Well, you still have the writing exam to go, it’s not all lost!”

“You’re only saying that because you know she was like putty in your hand for you”, Alice sighed. “You’ll walk the written!”

“Eh…maybe”, Robert winked into the rear-view mirror, Alice putting her finger up in reply. “I wish Aaron was coming back tonight”.

“Thanks, are we not good enough company?” Alice poked the back of Robert’s seat playfully.

“You know what I mean”, Robert pouted. “It’s just a special occasion and I wish I was able to enjoy it with him”. 

“I’m sure he’ll want to ‘make it up to you’ as soon as he gets back from France”, Owen responded quietly, Robert still a little unsure as to how much bitterness there was behind that statement.

“I just want him here”, Robert sighed, trying not to let Aaron’s absence put a dampener on the whole evening. Besides, it had given them a good opportunity to be a little more experimental with the video calling one night, and those images weren’t going to leave Robert’s mind for a while…

The Punto coughed and spluttered as Robert parked up in front of the Woolpack, going through the customers’ entrance as instructed in Diane’s thoroughly detailed text. Owen held the door open as Robert walked through the second set of doors, the room erupting into cheers and applause as almost all of Robert’s friends and family filled the room – even Chas, who was sitting uncomfortable near the back of the bar.

“Come here, pet”, Diane walked over, beaming, as Robert bent down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “I hope this makes up for last year”, she murmurs in his ear as the cheers died down.

“More than ever”, Robert assured her, their eyes meeting for a few moments. Robert could see the pride in Robert’s journey in her soft expression, his own feelings of pride and warmth crackling like a toasty winter fireplace somewhere deep inside of him.

“Come on, this party isn’t going to start itself!” shouted Vic from the bar, Diane hurrying over to the MP3 stereos as Vic greeted her brother with open arms. “I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, big bro”.

“Yeah, you’ve done alright”, Adam added, a respectful look enough to stop any sort of smile escaping him. “I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on ya”.

“It’s fine”, Robert grimaced. “I understood why you did it. But thanks”. He turned to Vic again as he added, “Where’s Jack? I want to see my favourite nephew!”

“He’s having a bit of a snooze at the moment, but he’ll want to announce himself to the rest of the world soon enough”, Vic rolled her eyes as she laughed. “Loves being the centre of attention does our Jack!”

“I wonder where he got that from…” Robert replied, tongue in cheek as Vic snorted in laughter.

* * *

 

By nine o’clock, the party had gotten into full swing. Robert had made his way around the room in true Robert Sudgen style, mingling effortlessly between those that had gathered for his party. He’d even managed to have a somewhat cordial conversation with Paddy, although admittedly Diane did do most of the talking. However, any progress towards Paddy not looking as though he wanted to strangle Robert with his bare hands was good enough for him.

The drink had made him miss Aaron more, and by half past nine he was sat at the bar, holding his mobile in his hand. Before Robert could send something somewhat embarrassing to his unaware boyfriend, Alice interrupted his space, already on her fourth rum and coke.

“Hey, Robert”, Alice slurred slightly, but still kept her trademark smile. “Have you seen Owen?”

“Yes”, Robert smirked as he pointed in Owen’s direction. Robert had noticed that Owen had been talking to Finn for over an hour now, neither of them looking bored of each other’s company. Robert hoped fervently that this could be the start of something really great for Owen, something he richly deserved after all of his disappointment with Robert. “Better not disturb them though…”

Alice laughed loudly, and went off to go and find somebody else to talk at. Robert looked down at his glass and then and thought of Aaron. He wondered where he was, what he was doing right now. He wondered if Aaron was thinking exactly the same thing, and if some higher being was connecting them through the power of thought. He liked to think that Aaron would be thinking of him right that second; it would be almost as if Robert was with him. Remembering his touch as he gave him the biggest hug before he left, Robert sighed.

“Missing Aaron as well, are we?”

“Chas?” Robert looked to see Aaron’s mother sat on the stall next to him, an unusually sympathetic expression on her face. “Yeah, a lot”.

“How do you think I feel?” Chas muttered. “Last time he popped to France, it took him two and a half years to come back!”

Robert smiled sadly, “I just want him to be here, celebrating with me. It’s not the same. I know this would be probably his idea of absolute hell, but just to know he was with me”.

Chas looked down at her own glass before she looked back at Robert. “You really love my son, don’t you”.

“Without a doubt”, Robert nodded. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, he’s just…amazing. It took me a while to find out what I really wanted from my life…but Aaron…Aaron is it”.

Chas was silent for a moment, before replying, “Aaron loves you too. There’s nothing I can do to stop that, and there’s nothing I can do that’s gonna stop you from being together. It’s something I have to get used to, because I look at you now and I know you two are for keeps”.

“I want that more than anything”, Robert smiled again, this time giddy with the thought that Aaron might one day be his husband, rather just his bit on the side or his boyfriend. “I always thought Aaron would make a good dad…”

“Pff, don’t push it, luv, he won’t thank you for saying that!” Chas remarked, although the look in her eyes suggested that she had thought the same. “Look…I’m sorry I’ve been such a cow to you…more than a cow…I…I really should have listened to my son before things got too heated. It still doesn’t mean I haven’t got my eye on you…but I know you’re making my son really really happy, and not many people can pull that off…so…”

“Thanks”, Robert bit his lip, not entirely sure if he was dreaming or not. Chas held her arms out and they shared a small hug, finally feeling as though he had broken down one of the last remaining barriers to his redemption. He almost wept at the thought, not being able to contain himself considering where he had been in his mind only eight months beforehand.

“God, Mum, how much have you been drinking?”

“Aaron!” Robert and Chas exclaimed, Robert getting up and marching over to his boyfriend at the entrance door. Aaron was blown back as Robert led an onslaught of kisses against him, just happy to have him back in his arms after what seemed like light years apart.

“Wow, you must have drunk some an’ all!” Aaron breathed as Robert finally let go of him.

“How did you get here? You’re not due back for another few days!” words tumbled out of Robert’s mouth like water.

“Well, the France deal only took two days, and I had to sort some things out for you”, Aaron raised his eyebrows.

“For me?” Robert moved his head back quizzically.

“Yep”, Aaron nodded. “Now, say your goodbyes, Robert, we need to head back to Leeds for your surprise”.

* * *

 

“Aaron, you’ve missed the turn-off for my flat”, Robert pointed at the road disappearing in the rear view mirror. “Aaron, we’re going the wrong way”.

“I’m not going the wrong way”, Aaron said cryptically. “But we can always go back to yours if you don’t want your surprise?”

“I want my surprise”, Robert scrunched up his mouth and remained silent, seeing Aaron’s smirk out of the corner of his eye. After snaking through the backstreets of Leeds into the slightly more affluent quarters of the city, Aaron finally parked up the Punto on a street Robert was not familiar with.

“Where are we?” Robert asked as he unclipped himself from the passenger seat and got out of the car.

“You’ll find out in about five minutes”, Aaron sighed. “For the meantime, put this on”, he added as he passed Robert a blindfold.

“Seriously?” Robert flashed Aaron an unsure look before being silenced by Aaron’s glare. “Okay, okay”, he gave it to Aaron, bending down so that Aaron could reach to tie it around his eyes.

“Right, hold my hand and listen to my instructions so you don’t die”, Aaron murmured from somewhere as Robert could only see the darkness of the blindfold. Robert was led through a warm room with a loud tiled floor, up into a lift and out along a short corridor. Robert’s mind buzzed as he tried to guess where Aaron was taking him: a gorgeous hotel room? A candlelit dinner?

Robert heard the door shut behind him, Aaron saying, “You can take it off now”. Robert patted around for the knot, taking it apart slowly as the blindfold dropped away. Before him was a large apartment, complete with a large kitchen area, a spacious study and living area, and a lovely view of the city below. Robert walked around slowly as he looked around, his eyes big in wonder.

“This is amazing”, Robert grinned as he looked at the bathroom, complete with a bidet next to the toilet.

“Well, I got tired of doing the commute from Emmerdale to Leeds every time I wanted to see, so I thought I’d get a place here”, Aaron followed Robert as Robert sniffed eagerly around every corner of the apartment.

“Oh my God, it’ll be amazing having you living in the same city!” Robert exclaimed giddily. “We’ll be able to pop around each other’s whenever because we’re so clo-!”

“Robert”, Aaron cut into Robert’s babbling. “I didn’t buy this just for me. I bought it for us. I’m fed up of all the days I wake up and you’re not next to me on the pillow. I want to be able to bicker with you whenever I want”. Aaron took Robert’s hand as they stood beside the large window of the lounge. “I don’t want to live without you anymore”.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” Robert whispered, the corners of his mouth unable to hide the large grin itching to jump out. Aaron nodded shyly, and Robert collapsed into his arms as he whispered a soft ‘yes’ into Aaron’s ear. They didn’t kiss, not initially anyway. Robert just held Aaron in his arms as he contemplated what he had gone through to reach this moment. He thought of all of the hard work that he had had to put in order that Aaron would even give him the time of day. He thought of all of the times he had to drag himself into work so that he didn’t just stay in bed in a depressed heap. He thought of all of the times he would hang out with the call centre team and rebuild his social confidence. He thought of the initially awkward situations with his family before they started to welcome him back as one of them once more. He thought of the highs and the lows, the pits of despair, the roars of elation when he had won someone back. He had succeeded.

Robert pulled back and looked down into Aaron’s soft glistening eyes. “I love you so much, Aaron”, his voice wobbled as he spoke, all of his emotion pouring into those six short words.

“I love you too, Robert”, Aaron smiled, intertwining his hand with Robert’s as they looked out over Leeds. This was Robert’s home now, with Aaron, with Owen and Alice and the call centre friends. With his friends from his French class and the lads he had met at the footie. The old ladies that he would pass on his morning run, the checkout girls down the corner shop. He felt every street corner glisten, every damp puddle shine in splendour as he looked down upon his new home, his city.

That didn’t mean he had rejected everything that used to be. He had his family once more, and he’ll always be in and out of the village, checking upon the latest news, visiting his nephew. Tried as he might, he couldn’t shake those ties from his veins that kept drawing him back to Emmerdale. He had no idea why, he had come to appreciate the hustle and bustle of the city. But where pieces of heart had come to rest, those were his home, and Emmerdale would always remain firmly a part of his being.

“I didn’t even show you the best part…” Aaron led Robert by the hand into the bedroom.

“ _Finally! A king size bed!”_ Robert roared with glee, jumping straight onto the plump mattress, Aaron jumping beside him. Robert looked over at his boyfriend, a goofy grin plastered all over his handsome face. _Savour this, Suggers,_ he thought, _you deserve it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All's well that ends well! :) Hope you enjoyed that - I struggled with how to end this chapter, but I think I did okay. Please do let me know what you thought in the comments, and Kudos are always appreciated! Thanks everyone for your massive support of this story - the amount of hits and comments and Kudos has been absolutely phenomenal, thank you so much!!!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, see you next time for the epilogue!


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end! I can't believe I actually managed to finish it, I'm always a starter, not a finisher. I'm really sad but relieved to get to the end of this, although I'm not entire sure if this chapter is much good. I just struck the inspiration at about eleven o'clock tonight and jammed the chapter out before I lost it. I tried my best to tie up all the loose ends, so I hope you enjoy where the characters headed. Enjoy the last instalment!

 

“Where’s Aaron?” Robert walked briskly across the room. “He said he’d be home half an hour ago!”

“Stop bloody panicking”, Vic put her arm around him momentarily as she finished laying out the vol-au-vents onto the buffet table. “You know what rush hour traffic is like, he’s probably stuck coming back from the office”.

“But it’s not like he’s commuting from Emmerdale anymore”, Robert whined. “When he moved the main office here, I thought he’d be home in five minutes. Now he’s always stuck in traffic!”

“Or you’re just being impatient when people aren’t even due to arrive for another three hours yet”, Vic reproached Robert, who was pacing around the buffet table. “He didn’t get a luxury of a day off like someone did!”

“We’re both our own bosses, he could’ve pulled a sickie!” Robert pointed out childishly.                   

“Speaks wonders for your work ethic”, Vic shot back sarcastically, unwrapping the paper plates out of their packaging. “Does Alice do all the work at that place?”

“I do the selling and she does the sourcing”, Robert shrugged his shoulders. “You should have seen the Aston Martin DB5 we’ve got, Vic. God, those seats…that leather, it’s amazing. And when I took her out for a spin…wow, just hark at that engine. And the gear shifts...”

“Switched off at Aston Martin, Robert”, Vic butted in cheekily. “I’m glad things are working out for you two though, it was brilliant of Aaron to give you the investment”.

“I know”, Robert smiled. In February, Alice had managed to inherit two worn-out Ford Mustangs for a bargain price. With her knowledge of fixing up old cars from a course she took a couple of years previously, she managed to refurbish them with some new parts until they looked as good as new. Robert had pointed out the business potential over a couple of drinks on their regular Friday night at the pub, and a month later, they had sold both of the cars, had bought three more, fixed them up, and sold them for a bigger profit. Seeing the fulfilment that Robert gained from his new hobby, Aaron told him that he would invest some money to give them some premises so that Robert and Alice could leave the call centre. Even though he had initially been reluctant to accept Aaron’s money, Aaron wouldn’t take no for an answer, and the business had been flourishing ever since. “It’s funny – we got closer because I invested in his business and now he’s invested in mine”.

“Life has an obsession with circles”, Vic remarked. “Do you miss the call centre?”

“A little bit”, Robert sighed. “It was lovely being around my friends there, and me, Owen, and Alice used to get up to some right laughs…but this was a great opportunity to do something I was passionate about, so I don’t regret leaving. Besides, I still see them most Fridays, so it’s like I’ve not really gone!”

Vic laughed as she unravelled the bunting to go across the wall. “I can tell Adam misses Aaron working with him at the Emmerdale yard. I go in and check on him, and he’s constantly shooting him texts. I swear he doesn’t actually even talk to the people he employed to help him out”.

“I guess that explains why I never seem to be able to drag Aaron out with me on a Friday night”, Robert huffed. “He’s always meeting Adam for a pint before I can even get the bloody question out!”

“You think that’s bad?” Vic pointed out. “You don’t have to look after Jack single-handedly until eleven, when Adam merrily strolls in through the door wanting to fall asleep! He’s started teething now…”

“Shit”, Robert replied, glad the worst he had to put up with when a drunk Aaron would stroll through his door was making sure he didn’t try cooking chips with the frying pan at one in the morning. “I’m glad I get the easy job of being the fun uncle”.

“Just you wait”, Vic smirked as she put the drawing pin through the end of the bunting to hang it firmly on the wall. “If you and Aaron have a kid, this’ll be you every night for the next five years!”

“Let’s just wait until after the wedding”, Robert put his hands up in protest. “I’m not sure I fancy that argument yet…you knew how much of a mardy arse he was about getting the fucking cat!”

“I still don’t get why you have a cat”, Vic thought out loud. “I mean, it’s not like he can run around outside because you’re up too high, and it means he has to shit inside…”

“That’s why we, well, I got us an indoor cat”, Robert responded. “Plus, he does very fragrant shits, I’ll have you know!”

“Because you feed him those rank looking pellets”, Vic turned her nose up at the thought. She turned around suddenly as she heard Jack’s cries from the guest bedroom. Vic left to go and see what Jack had been up to as Robert put up the other side of the banner. Robert had spent most of the day making sure that the evening would run like clockwork; never before had he been so stressed before a party. He knew it had to be special, just like Aaron. He had enlisted Vic’s help on the catering, now back to work full time after she rejoined the kitchen at the Woolpack. On Tuesdays Robert would work from home rather than at the showroom, so Adam always dropped Jack off with him before meeting Aaron at the office. Spending the day with Jack crawling around the apartment would make him feel broodier than ever, Aaron thoroughly adept at looking after the troublesome toddler when Robert would run out of ideas to make him stop crying.

“Come here, let’s see if Uncle Robert can cheer you up”, Vic pouted at Jack who was sobbing in her arms.

“What’s up with you, eh?” Robert gasped softly as Vic passed Jack into his arms. “Eh? What’s happened to you?” Robert rocked him in his arms gently, hoping that the soothing movement would stop the tears from falling down his chubby cheeks. “Come on, this isn’t very fun, is it, mate?”

Robert turned as the front door closed and Aaron walked through into large living space, putting his hard hat down on the coffee table as he walked up to Robert, Vic, and Jack.

“Aa-ron”, Jack pointed at Aaron as Robert turned to kiss him.

“Yes, it’s me”, Aaron smiled, Robert pouting in jealousy as Aaron took Jack from his arms and rocked him around the room. Robert had been fuming when Jack had said Aaron’s name first, when Aaron had come in one Tuesday half way through the Teletubbies. Robert was still ‘Ro-ba’ and Aaron couldn’t help a sly grin every time Jack had managed to get his name right. “Has nasty Robert been making you cry again? Has he?”

“Oi, I’m a great uncle!” Robert pouted, turning back around to the table. “You can be quiet an’ all!” he turned to Vic, who was chortling as she covered over the nibbles with clingfilm.

“Ah well, when you can make Jack stop crying, come back to me”, Aaron shot back as Jack laughed his arms. “You look as though you could use a nap, eh, mister?” He disappeared into the bedroom to go and put Jack down. Robert continued pouting, his face like thunder as he scrolled through the playlist for tonight on his mobile.

“Sorry I’m late, it was the traffic coming out of the shopping centre”, Aaron stated quietly as he walked back out of the bedroom. “Fuckin’ nightmare”.

“It’s fine”, Robert replied, looking up from his phone, silencing Vic’s protests with his eyes. “I’m just glad you’re home, there’s so much left to do…”

“What have you been doing all day?” Aaron inquired as he flicked through the unopened envelopes on the kitchen worktop.

“Well…I had to go for my run before I could do anything…” Robert admitted as Aaron rolled his eyes. “And then it was already one by the time me and Vic got back from Emmerdale”.

“What do you need help with?” Aaron huffed as he walked back up to the table.

“I could use some help with just doing the cleaning up, the hoovering and the like”, Robert pointed around the room as he struggled to remember all of the tasks he had set himself. “Hey…Aaron?”

“Yeah?” Aaron turned around, the hoover handle in his hand.

“Thanks for doing this”, Robert smiled. “I know how much you hate parties, but it’ll only be people you know and you can disappear when you want and…”

“Hey”, Aaron dropped the handle and walked back over to Robert, taking his hand as he rubbed his thumb over Robert’s ring finger. “We got engaged, I’d have been thick as shit to not expect you to throw a big arse do. It’s fine, I’ll suck it up”.

“Thanks, husband-to-be”, Robert smirked as they leant in for a quick peck.

“I’ll suck it up…as long as you didn’t buy sour cream and chive Pringles instead of the normal ones”, Aaron raised his eyebrows as he placed one of the Pringles in a dish into his mouth, immediately recoiling at the taste. “That’s it, I’m running away and marrying Janet…”

* * *

 

“Did you hear?” Alice broke Robert’s daydreams as she came running over, champagne in hand, from the buffet table. Robert had been thinking about the wedding again, despite the fact they had only gotten engaged about a week before the party. He knew Aaron would want something simple and understated, but Robert couldn't resist sneaking in a bit of extravagance where he could. It wouldn't necessarily be anything expensive, but you only get married once. Or twice, as the case may be.

“What?” Robert shouted over the speakers behind him.

“Finn and Owen are moving in together!” Alice clapped her hands together in sheer glee. Putting his glass down, he scythed his way through the groups of chattering invitees to where Owen and Finn were chatting with grins on their faces.

“Alice just told me!” Robert held his hand out to shake Finn’s. “Congratulations, that's great news!” Owen put his hand out to shake but Robert pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Owen’s shoulders in a brotherly embrace. “I'm well made up for you, mate”, he murmured in Owen’s ear. “You so fucking deserve this”.

Owen just smiled back, laughing politely onto the end of a shitty Finn joke as Robert stood back. More than anyone, Owen had deserved a happy ending. Robert knew better than anyone else how good a person Owen was, how loyal he was, how much he would sacrifice for the good of his friends. By the time Robert had gotten engaged to Chrissie, he had always thought nice guys finished last; Robert was more than chuffed to see that for once, Owen had finished first.

Robert walked back over to his glass and chinked a spoon against it as he turned the speakers down. “If I could have your attention for a few minutes, before you all get completely pissed!”

A ripple of laughter surfed the party as they calmed down to listen to Robert.

“I guess I just want to thank everyone that’s come tonight, I didn't realise me and Aaron had so many friends until we got you all in one room. I don't really have anything else to add…”

“Speech! Speech! Speech!” came the unmistakable shouts of Alice and Vic at the back, the rest of the room joining as Robert shuffled his feet, biting his lip.

“Oh I couldn't possibly – fine!” Robert winked as they laughed again. “Well…I need to save my best speech for the wedding reception, but…what can I say about Aaron, eh? What hasn't been said about Aaron? Always seemed to have one foot in trouble, but always managed to charm people with that gloriously endearing hard act he loves to play…”

“Fuck off, Mr Whiter-Than-White!” Aaron jeered half-playfully from the buffet table, Robert motioning to join him up at the front, Aaron refusing.

“Yeah, alright, I have my minor faults, but I'm getting to the good bit. What you lot don't see with Aaron is just what an amazing guy he really is. He’s had so many reasons to be totally selfish and distrusting, but he’s the most loyal friend I could have ever hoped to have. He gave me one last chance when I really really didn't deserve one. He’s worked so incredibly hard to get what he has in his life...I always feel a little bit humbled that he decided to shack up with me, the cocky arrogant flashy twat. I wish you could see just how sweet he is when it’s just us, how loving and kind he often is. He’s a masterclass in humility, and I’ll always be in his debt for the kindness and forgiveness he showed me. I love him so much, and being able to call him my husband will be the biggest honour of my life. Now”, Robert picked up his glass once more, “I know Aaron will never forgive me for this, but I'd like to propose a toast. To Aaron!”

“To Aaron!” the entire room turned to Aaron at the buffet table, Aaron turning the same shade as the abundant red wine as everyone clapped and cheered him. Aaron and Robert’s eyes met across the crowded room, Robert’s slightly cocky expression softened by his sheer devotion to his dirty mechanic. He smiled, a thousand ‘I love you’s sent in the lifting of his lips, Aaron accepting and returning. The look was broken as Vic came scurrying up quickly.

“Diane wants to say something”, she whispered into his ear as the rest of the crowd melted into conversation once more.

Robert chinked the spoon against the glass again, the silence falling eventually as the crowd finished having their brief conversations. “Sorry, you’ll get your freedom back in a minute. My brilliant step-mother Diane would like to say a few words”.

Diane stepped where Robert had been, Robert moving slightly to the side to allow Diane to be the centre of attention. “As ever, Robert carried a great speech, but I think it needs saying how much Robert has grown over the past two years as well. He might be the cockiest man this side of the English Channel, but he wouldn’t tell you about all of the trials he had to work through to be where he was today. There’s no need to rake over the mistakes of the distant past anymore, but Robert had a lot of work to do to sort himself out, let alone allow people to trust him again. But he didn’t give up, he didn’t quit. He worked and worked to get the people he loved back in his life again, to show them the real Robert that had been hidden by all the money and the greed. Because when you get down to it, Robert’s just a cheeky lad who cares deeply about the people he loves. And he’s proved that time and time again with Aaron, he’s proved that with Vic and Jack, and he’s proved that with me. I know that with Aaron beside him, he can be the person he always wanted to be, but just never knew how. I’m proud of you, Robert, and I wish all the best for you and Aaron in the next stage of your life together. To Robert”, she lifted her glass.

“To Robert!” the room erupted into applause and cheering once more, and Robert looked around the room shyly at all of the faces that were showing their love and appreciation for him – two things he had always craved since he was a young lad. He saw Diane nod proudly at him; he saw Vic, Adam, and Jack smiling from the sidelines, Jack waving at his uncle; he saw Owen and Alice, two of his dearest friends, the ones that had stuck by him when he was at his very lowest; he saw Paddy and Chas, two of Robert’s harshest critics, their expressions softer than ever before as they clapped along with the rest of the crowd; he saw the rest of his friends from the call centre, led by Janet, cheering and calling his name in his honour; and he saw Aaron, the love of his life, the one who had changed Robert for the better by merely existing.

A tear rolled down his cheek as the abundance of love that Robert felt in his life overwhelmed him, pulling his sleeve over his slightly damp cheek to rub the tear away. He saw Aaron saunter through the crowd up to his fiancé, and Robert took him by the hand as the music came back on. They rocked back and forth as they collapsed into each other’s arms, a slow ballad coming on. They leant their necks on each other’s shoulders, Robert drowning in the smell of Aaron’s aftershave, still the same cheap scent he had been wearing for years. He bathed in the familiarity of Aaron and his affection, knowing that he could accomplish anything by remembering that he had Aaron’s unwavering support. He had won his battle against himself, and he was riding higher than ever.

* * *

 

“God, I’m fucking exhausted”, Aaron yawned as he took off his tie, stepping out of his trousers as he did so.

“You were fucking amazing tonight”, called an underwear-clad Robert from the ensuite, the electric toothbrush in his mouth garbling his speech somewhat. “You were mingling, laughing, having a good time…I think you’re a secret extravert after all!”

“Or I’ve been saving up my energy for the last four weeks for this moment?” Aaron raised his eyebrow as he clambered into bed.

“We’ve only been engaged a week”, Robert pointed out, spitting the toothpaste into the sink as he turned the tap on to wash it away. “So I think you’re much better at socialising than you make out to be”.

“Meh, I’m not gonna be making a habit of it”, Aaron warned as Robert got in his side of the bed, the enormity of the bed in comparison to Robert’s single in the old flat a welcome change. “I have to pretend to be chatty to all of the clients for the scrapyard, I’m not coming home so I can make even more useless chatter”.

“Alright, I’ll lock you in the bedroom with Jack next time I throw an amazing party, then”, Robert stated matter-of-factly, earning a playful push from Aaron. “I can’t believe you’re my fiancé”.

“I know”, Aaron smiled slightly as he sunk under the duvet. “Never thought I’d get married, to be honest”.

“Well it was a turn up for the books when you were the one who proposed!” Robert remarked, the shock from such an event still prevalent a whole week down the line. “I never saw you as the on one knee type”.

“Hence why I wasn’t on one knee”, Aaron pointed out flatly. “We were in bed at the time.”

“So romantic”, Robert rolled his eyes, a broad grin on display. Robert rolled over onto his side as Aaron copied, pulling themselves closer inwards as their lips melted into each other’s, the fire inside Robert still just as bright and as burning as it had been all those years ago when they first met. They rubbed their hands over their smooth bodies, putting them slyly down underwear as they dragged them down to their ankles, their nudity a welcome relief in the stiflingly humid July night. They felt every inch of each other as they came in closer and closer, practically one person. Robert rolled onto Aaron’s front, placing his hands all over his body in controlled lust and affection, Aaron returning the favour by kissing hard and placing his hands on Robert’s smooth, hairless chest. They spent what seemed like hours melting into one single gaze, unable to break the contact whilst their hands did all of the sensing for them. Robert loved to feel Aaron’s hairier body run through his fingers; he loved Aaron’s ruggedness, how unkempt he was. It felt real. It felt raw. It felt like Aaron.

“I’ve never been one for sex before marriage…” Robert began whispering silkily into Aaron’s ear, seducing him into a congratulations romp, but he was interrupted. He heard scratching at the door. “What the fuck is that?”

“It’s Malcolm”, Aaron rolled his eyes, disgusted at such a name for a cat. The door pushed open eventually, Malcolm running across the floor and jumping on the sheets.

“Come on, Malcolm, this is Robert and Aaron’s alone time now”, Robert tried to push Malcolm back onto the floor, but the ginger haired cat just curled up down the end of the bed and drifted off to sleep. “Malcolm? Malcolm?” Robert sighed, climbing off of Aaron and laying the other side of him once more.

“What?” Aaron asked flatly, knowing the answer immediately.

“I’m not having sex in front of a cat”, Robert replied unimpressed as he worked himself down from his sexual high. “And you know what Malcolm is like, he won’t leave until tomorrow afternoon”.

“You really are a pushover”, Aaron chided playfully as he went to turn the bedroom light off. The lights flicked off, leaving only the sounds of Malcolm’s snoring, and the boys’ gentle breathing to be noticed.

“I love you, Aaron Livesy”, Robert kissed his fiancé lightly on the lips as he intertwined his legs with Aaron’s, feeling every part of Aaron pressed up against him as they held each other underneath the sheets. However, he didn’t take it for granted; he savoured the moment just as fervently as he had done in the very first day of his affair, smiling uncontrollably as he strolled back from the garage that night. What Robert did do differently was remember never to leave Aaron for anyone else. He didn’t even entertain the thought. He just existed with the love of his life. And that’s all he ever needed.

“I love you too, Robert Sudgen”.

“Good night, Aaron”.

“Good night, Robert”.

                                                                                                                                                         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. Redemption is done. However, never fear - I want to do some standalone chapters using this as canon, so I doubt this will be the last you see of Robert and his new life in Leeds. I also have a couple more ideas in the pipeline, so I'm sure you'll see me again soon! I'd like to say an enormous thank you to all of the people that followed the journey from the very beginning - I really hope you enjoyed where I took the story and where it ended. I enjoyed writing it as much as the commentors enjoyed reading it, apparently. Please do give Kudos and comments as per, I would like to know how you thought of this as an ending. All that's left to say is that that's it - thank you! :)


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